whatever and everything

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  • The way I felt on September 22? I don’t feel that way anymore.
    That feeling has since been replaced with a feeling of gratitude for my beautiful, clever, loving wife and my beautiful child. I have everything I need and want for nothing. Sure there may be things that no longer fit in my life but that’s OK. I have come to terms with it and no longer live wishing my life were different. What a goddamn relief. That was the kind of thinking that splits marriages and leaves bastard children.

  • It’s not something you can stop halfway through. It’s like the first time you fuck a girl. You’ve wined and dined her, committed a lot of time and effort in the flirt and the hunt and when the moment comes to fuck and you’ve got her shirt off and you’re making out and your hands are in her pants rubbing that wet pussy and then her pants come off and you go down on her and – uh oh – you smell fish. fucking rotten tuna. you can’t bail! you got no choice! you’ve come this far brother you can’t just take your hat and your coat and leave! no fucking way. You owe it to the chick at this point. It’s now service work. It’s fucking but it’s service work. and That’s what I mean. Sometimes life’s pleasures and lives obligations are cleverly disguised as one another.

  • the rains came last week. i felt their effect of my mood immediately. i think it’s been affecting me since.

    today i’m not feeling okay. isolated. like isolating. not talkative. not able to connect with people – even my wife, even my baby. feel this creeping feeling that i’m on the wrong path. that i shouldn’t be married. that what the fuck was i doing tying myself down like this. that i should be out exploring life and the world. that i am marginalizing myself. marginalized existence. i know life is what i make it and if i don’t like it so much why don’t i change it. well, that’s a hard thing to do and a choice that comes with a million sacrifices. enough sacrifice to be a road block, at least until perhaps my sanity can return.

    i feel though that the sadest part, the thing that makes this whole feeling worse is feeling like i have no one to talk to about it. my wife is too busy with the baby, and thinking about herself and how hard life is for her today to really hear what i’m going through. it’s okay. i’ve gotten used to solitude and coming to terms that there really is no one. we are truly alone and any idications to the contrary are lies and deceipt.

    things that aren’t my life:

    • photojournalist on assignment in africa or asia
    • banging countless dumb whores
    • overseas at some obscure military posting in Cyprus or Kandahar
    • in the Canadian Special Ops
    • posessing a college degree and owning a home, a high-paying job and driving a Range Rover
    • making art in some loft somwhere

  • Change of heart?

    While watching the news last night, conflicts in Libya, revolt in Syria, Bahrain and Yemen, carrie Commented, “why aren’t [the Canadian Forces] going there to fight? We should be helping those people.” I challenged her on it saying, “it’s not our fight. We can’t go messing in other countries’ affairs like we are a world social worker.” She defended her position, “yes we are, we are privileged enough to have a stable gov’t and the resources to be able to help other people that are enslaved and oppressed by their governments. We absolutely have an obligation to go and fight for other’s freedom.”

    I feel hopeful.

    – Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

  • Why?

    Feeling so sad. Not sure why. Is this a creeping depression? Scared of having a baby. Afraid of being married. Afraid of things never changing. Ashamed of the way I am right now – self loathing and bitter. Afraid of not being able to do whatever I want: deploy overseas, be young and full of possibilities, have finished my degree, have a significant and respectable career. All these regrets and fears. I must overcome.

    – Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

  • I’m in

    I was sworn in to the Canadian Forces about four weeks ago (march 23). My official swearing-in ceremony followed two weeks later. Carrie has been less than enthusiasitc about the whole husband-in-the-army senario. I can sense her fear. I don’t think she’s there yet, at the point of realizing her fears around it, and not yet ready to face them. I understand and accept her fears. How can she not associate the army with war and war with the inevitable death of her husband and loss of her love – to have to raise our child alone. I would be terrified too if I were so uninformed and out of touch with what my feelings are towards it.

    I just watched The Devil Came On Horseback, a fim about the genocide in Darfur. Sure I play a lot of violent first-person shooter video games, and sure I have spent my entire life virtually role-playing and glorifying war. While I can’t deny that this had a part in my enrolment in the army, when I search my heart I can attest that the major reason I joined up was to be of service in the truest and most noble sense I can fathom – to sacrifice my self for my fellow man and to protect those more vulnerable than me from the threats that be. That is it – plane and simple. When I imagine myself on a deployment or tour, I know it would only be right if it were that. It is for this reason that I cannot support the engagment in Afghanistan. There was no atrocity there before western forces attacked. Sure, there was oppression but there was no genocide. And it is not obvious to me that we are there to stop the oppression of women. No, we are there for selfish reasons. To be brutish and take. I do not support that kind of conflict. However, show me a cause where I can protect the vulnerable, those that are being slaghtered and cannot protect themselves and I say I have a duty as a man, as a warrior, as a human to help that person. Just as Carrie voluntarily chooses to help people when they are having the worst day of their life – when they are cut up, broken and mangled, I too want to get in to the dirt, I am not afraid of the harshness, the ugly, the crazy or the scary. This is my advantage and this is what I can offer the world. Carrie doesn’t want to lose me, and I don’t blame her. But right here right now, I say it’s selfish of her not to let me, as a tool, help others that may need me. And right now, what that looks like is preparing myself to be an effective soldier. I need to complete BMQ, complete SQ, complete DP-1 and DP-2, get in to Recce Squadron, so that when the opportunity arrises, I am ready and able to help my fellow man. Cause I am already willing.

  • What I would do if I won the lottery

    Bought a Lotto SuperMax lottery ticket. Draw is friday for 22 million.

    If anything Wayne Dyer said is true I should set out to visualize my goal. What is my goal? To win. Let’s just look at what I would do:

    1. Buy a house or pay off the mortgage for:

    1. Carrie and I – a house in East Vancouver or North Van.
    2. My mom and dad – since they already own, a retirement cottage in Parksville
    3. My brother
    4. My sister
    5. Carrie’s parents, brothers and sister

    2. Go traveling every 4 months – South East Asia, India, China, Europe, Brazil would be top choices.

    3. Continue to work as a carpenter, finish my Red Seal

    4. Go back to school and get my degree; probably an undergrad in Architecture and an MBA.

    5. Sell the old car and buy Carrie a big ass German SUV and a ’69 Challenger.

    6. Pay off all loans and debts for all immediate family members and open a trust in each of their names for $500k a piece maturing at each members respective projected retirement date.

    Well, that takes care of about 14 million. For the rest of the 8 million, I would put it in a long term investment option and forget about it.

    What would you do?

  • Started taking herbal medicine again two days ago in the effort of curing this depression. St. John’s Wort three times a day (30mg x 3) and Gingko Biloba in the morning.

    Noticeable lift in mood Yestyeday and today. Also went to the gym last night and hung out with Briony. Maybe that helped too.

  • Weekend summary

    So, I talked with my consellor and decided that it would be a good idea to styart journelling about my moods. Actually, it was my idea and I passed it by her and she agreed that there would be good merit in tracking my mood cycles. So without further adoo…

    Friday, March 27th
    Went to see The Watchmen with Carrie, Ward and Robin. Felt energetic, youthful and great. REally felt connected to those around me and in the moment.

    Saturday, March 28th
    Today was great. I woke up with Carrie in my bed and we spent much of the morning sleeping late into the day. When we awoke, we were in no rush. I felt calm and collected, like I had unlimited opportunities that day. I was with a person I love and who equally loves me. My home was messy and cluttered but it did not matter. The weather was cloudy with rainy periods. We walked to the grocery store, bought $100 worth of groceries, went home and Carrie made a delicious breakfast of eggs and sausage. We spent the afternoon cleaning the house and then at night hung around the house.

    Sunday, March 29th
    Awoke feeling a little sad at the fact that I have to go abck to work tomorrow. Carrie was a little sad too and this affected me. It was beautifully sunny out. Other than iopening the blinds, I did nothing to enjoy it – I felt like staying in. Carrie made us breakfast again and it was delicious. Neither of us had anything to do today and it was nice knowing that I had a real day off. I picked up my guitar for the firtst time in weeks but couldn’t think of anything to play so i put it down. this saddened me. We had another nap around 3, had sex and woke up about 5. We were going to go feed the ducks today but we ran out of time. WE went to have dinner with my parents. My parents unsupportive reaction to my decision to apply to UBC really sent me for a spin. When I left there i was feeling sad, depressed, angry, hopeless and frustrated. I guess betrayed as well. Talking to Carrie about it only helped a little. Talking to Ward about it also helped a little. Now I have to go to bed, and I am saddened by this a little because I dhave to go to work tomorrow.

  • My new blog

    I’m setting up a new blog. It will be very different than this one in many respects.

    This blog (whatever and everything) I have had for 4 and a half years. I created it as a digital journal. I became affraid of having people read my paper journals, i wanted a place to vent and talk about anything, unrestricted. It started as a public blog, read and frequented by many of my friends. When they started commenting too much and prying too much in to the details of my greatest secrets I decided to “shut it down” by changing the address and not informing them. Since then (I can’t recall the date) this blog has been public but at the same time anonymous. All the original content is still here.

    My new blog will be much more refined than this one. It’s purpose will be to bring value to other people. I want it to be able to communicate my ideas clearly and succintly. This will require more careful attention to topic, structure, and spelling & grammar for each post. I want each article/post to impart a piece of wisdom to the readers. I want it to generate interest. I want it to become a viral phenomenon. I have high hopes for it. I have a lot to offer the world and until this moment I wasn’t sure of how to best do it.

    Last night was a typical night – disgruntled about my current employment situation which brought me back to the familiar question that I have been asking myself for as long as I can remember: What is the purpose of life? Or to quote PJ Harvey, “Is that all there is?” A google search lead to an article on another blog that spelled it out for me in black and white. I guess you could say it was a life-changing moment; my outlook on my career, my approach to life has changed in a mere 24 hours. After reading that article I instantly found I was eager for life. Previously dreary and depressed, idolless and uninspired, hopeful but hopeless I woke this morning smiling for the first time in months. today was a breeze at work for I knew it would not be the end of me.

    On my way to work this morning I took some notes on my iPhone about potential articles that people might be interested in reading about. This is an example of how I would like to try approaching the creation of topics to cover. While my wisodm and experience is great for such a young lad, I would be better off to (atleast for the first while) generate content worthy of being read. How many people would want to read an article on “How to find true love”, “How to get a job you love”, “How to write an effective cover letter and resume”, “How to communicate effectively”. I might as well quote Steve Pavlina himself who has inspired me on this journey:

    “Think about the effect you want your writing to have on people. Since I write about personal growth, I want my writing to change people for the better. I want to expand people’s thinking, to raise their consciousness, and to help them eliminate fear from their lives. If my writing doesn’t change people’s thinking, actions, or awareness, then my value isn’t being transferred well enough.”

    Here’s the rest of the notes I took on my iPhone during the ten minute drive to work (I do not recommend or advocate doing this). Most are ideas for articles or potential titles:

    • Learn to Play Guitar
    • How to Get a Job That You Love
    • How to Write an Effective Resume
    • How to Write an Effective Cover Letter
    • How to Save [for Retirement]
    • Budgeting 101
    • How to Become a Creative Person
    • How to Make Excellent Coffee
    • How to Not be a Douchebag
    • Dating Tips
    • Finding True Love
    • Building Intimacy
    • How to Date
    • Tantra 101
    • Multi-Orgasms for Men
    • How to Make Her Orgasm
    • Secrets to Mindblowing Sex
    • How to Buy a Car
    • How to Import a Car to Canada
    • Moving to and Starting-Up in Los Angeles
    • Roadtrip Guide
    • How to Make Friends for Life
    • Essay Writing
    • How to Ace a Test
    • Studying for a Test
    • How to Organize Your Life
    • How to have Sex Like a Porn Star!
    • Songwriting 101
    • Setting up a Home Studio
    • How to Swim
    • How to be a Superb Boyfriend
    • How to Get In Shape and Stay That Way

    Not only do I have personal experience with all the above articles, most I am very good at, which is to say my personal experience has proven that I am effective at whatever the objective is. As you can see, most of the articles I brainstormed this morning are in the realm of Personal Development notably social, sexual, physical and financial but I could see the scope of the articles ranging across these categories as well as emotional, spiritual and moral topics.

    In terms of commitment, I hereby commit to spending no less that 30 minutes daily working on this project for the next year. I will revisit this commitment in three months time to evaluate it. I will put no upward limit on my time commitment.

    I am excited to have a purpose to write. I am excited to share my experience with others, and hopefully add value to their lives. I am excited at the possibility of creating an income from nothing more than what I love to do – writing.

    I am excited to embark on this journey. The best part is that I know I can do it. No convincing is needed. I have maintained a blog for a long time. I am simply deciding to create a new blog with a different purpose in mind, which will require some additional considerations as far as marketability and profitability go.

    I have some technical specs to work out with my new blog –

    1. Picking a domain name. I am thinking about www.alexkiner.com. I feel that a name adds credibility to a blog and using my name would be expecially appropriate since I will be sharing my personal experiences. I think domains such as www.changeyourlife.com seem impersonal, scammy and ostentatious.
    2. Registering my domain name. Still need to source a good domain registrar. Should be one of my only business expenses – probably >$15.00
    3. Finding a suitable delivery method. Do i go with Blogger? MoveableType? It’s been a while since I’ve been up on my blogging technology. I’d like to spend about an hour researching different blogs that I frequent to find out what they use and what method will support advertising, donations, customizable templates, etc.
    4. Write out a simple business plan. – I mainly want to explicate the purpose and values.
    5. Add my first article. I would say this is it and this step is already done!
    6. Research more about advertising and affiliate marketing.
    7. And of course, write more articles.

    While Steve Pavlina mentions not having generated any income in his first 4 months of operationing his blog, The quality of his early articles are also not that high. I am thankful for the level of transparency he presents across his entire publication. It is invaluable in seeing what worked for him and how I can build a business model on his, while improving areas that I see could be improved.

    There is something so satisfying about writing a blog post- a sample of my life, as I have just done – and looking back at it, feeling gratified in having created something that has orignal content, meaning, and inherant value.