whatever and everything

Blog

  • Weekend summary

    So, I talked with my consellor and decided that it would be a good idea to styart journelling about my moods. Actually, it was my idea and I passed it by her and she agreed that there would be good merit in tracking my mood cycles. So without further adoo…

    Friday, March 27th
    Went to see The Watchmen with Carrie, Ward and Robin. Felt energetic, youthful and great. REally felt connected to those around me and in the moment.

    Saturday, March 28th
    Today was great. I woke up with Carrie in my bed and we spent much of the morning sleeping late into the day. When we awoke, we were in no rush. I felt calm and collected, like I had unlimited opportunities that day. I was with a person I love and who equally loves me. My home was messy and cluttered but it did not matter. The weather was cloudy with rainy periods. We walked to the grocery store, bought $100 worth of groceries, went home and Carrie made a delicious breakfast of eggs and sausage. We spent the afternoon cleaning the house and then at night hung around the house.

    Sunday, March 29th
    Awoke feeling a little sad at the fact that I have to go abck to work tomorrow. Carrie was a little sad too and this affected me. It was beautifully sunny out. Other than iopening the blinds, I did nothing to enjoy it – I felt like staying in. Carrie made us breakfast again and it was delicious. Neither of us had anything to do today and it was nice knowing that I had a real day off. I picked up my guitar for the firtst time in weeks but couldn’t think of anything to play so i put it down. this saddened me. We had another nap around 3, had sex and woke up about 5. We were going to go feed the ducks today but we ran out of time. WE went to have dinner with my parents. My parents unsupportive reaction to my decision to apply to UBC really sent me for a spin. When I left there i was feeling sad, depressed, angry, hopeless and frustrated. I guess betrayed as well. Talking to Carrie about it only helped a little. Talking to Ward about it also helped a little. Now I have to go to bed, and I am saddened by this a little because I dhave to go to work tomorrow.

  • My new blog

    I’m setting up a new blog. It will be very different than this one in many respects.

    This blog (whatever and everything) I have had for 4 and a half years. I created it as a digital journal. I became affraid of having people read my paper journals, i wanted a place to vent and talk about anything, unrestricted. It started as a public blog, read and frequented by many of my friends. When they started commenting too much and prying too much in to the details of my greatest secrets I decided to “shut it down” by changing the address and not informing them. Since then (I can’t recall the date) this blog has been public but at the same time anonymous. All the original content is still here.

    My new blog will be much more refined than this one. It’s purpose will be to bring value to other people. I want it to be able to communicate my ideas clearly and succintly. This will require more careful attention to topic, structure, and spelling & grammar for each post. I want each article/post to impart a piece of wisdom to the readers. I want it to generate interest. I want it to become a viral phenomenon. I have high hopes for it. I have a lot to offer the world and until this moment I wasn’t sure of how to best do it.

    Last night was a typical night – disgruntled about my current employment situation which brought me back to the familiar question that I have been asking myself for as long as I can remember: What is the purpose of life? Or to quote PJ Harvey, “Is that all there is?” A google search lead to an article on another blog that spelled it out for me in black and white. I guess you could say it was a life-changing moment; my outlook on my career, my approach to life has changed in a mere 24 hours. After reading that article I instantly found I was eager for life. Previously dreary and depressed, idolless and uninspired, hopeful but hopeless I woke this morning smiling for the first time in months. today was a breeze at work for I knew it would not be the end of me.

    On my way to work this morning I took some notes on my iPhone about potential articles that people might be interested in reading about. This is an example of how I would like to try approaching the creation of topics to cover. While my wisodm and experience is great for such a young lad, I would be better off to (atleast for the first while) generate content worthy of being read. How many people would want to read an article on “How to find true love”, “How to get a job you love”, “How to write an effective cover letter and resume”, “How to communicate effectively”. I might as well quote Steve Pavlina himself who has inspired me on this journey:

    “Think about the effect you want your writing to have on people. Since I write about personal growth, I want my writing to change people for the better. I want to expand people’s thinking, to raise their consciousness, and to help them eliminate fear from their lives. If my writing doesn’t change people’s thinking, actions, or awareness, then my value isn’t being transferred well enough.”

    Here’s the rest of the notes I took on my iPhone during the ten minute drive to work (I do not recommend or advocate doing this). Most are ideas for articles or potential titles:

    • Learn to Play Guitar
    • How to Get a Job That You Love
    • How to Write an Effective Resume
    • How to Write an Effective Cover Letter
    • How to Save [for Retirement]
    • Budgeting 101
    • How to Become a Creative Person
    • How to Make Excellent Coffee
    • How to Not be a Douchebag
    • Dating Tips
    • Finding True Love
    • Building Intimacy
    • How to Date
    • Tantra 101
    • Multi-Orgasms for Men
    • How to Make Her Orgasm
    • Secrets to Mindblowing Sex
    • How to Buy a Car
    • How to Import a Car to Canada
    • Moving to and Starting-Up in Los Angeles
    • Roadtrip Guide
    • How to Make Friends for Life
    • Essay Writing
    • How to Ace a Test
    • Studying for a Test
    • How to Organize Your Life
    • How to have Sex Like a Porn Star!
    • Songwriting 101
    • Setting up a Home Studio
    • How to Swim
    • How to be a Superb Boyfriend
    • How to Get In Shape and Stay That Way

    Not only do I have personal experience with all the above articles, most I am very good at, which is to say my personal experience has proven that I am effective at whatever the objective is. As you can see, most of the articles I brainstormed this morning are in the realm of Personal Development notably social, sexual, physical and financial but I could see the scope of the articles ranging across these categories as well as emotional, spiritual and moral topics.

    In terms of commitment, I hereby commit to spending no less that 30 minutes daily working on this project for the next year. I will revisit this commitment in three months time to evaluate it. I will put no upward limit on my time commitment.

    I am excited to have a purpose to write. I am excited to share my experience with others, and hopefully add value to their lives. I am excited at the possibility of creating an income from nothing more than what I love to do – writing.

    I am excited to embark on this journey. The best part is that I know I can do it. No convincing is needed. I have maintained a blog for a long time. I am simply deciding to create a new blog with a different purpose in mind, which will require some additional considerations as far as marketability and profitability go.

    I have some technical specs to work out with my new blog –

    1. Picking a domain name. I am thinking about www.alexkiner.com. I feel that a name adds credibility to a blog and using my name would be expecially appropriate since I will be sharing my personal experiences. I think domains such as www.changeyourlife.com seem impersonal, scammy and ostentatious.
    2. Registering my domain name. Still need to source a good domain registrar. Should be one of my only business expenses – probably >$15.00
    3. Finding a suitable delivery method. Do i go with Blogger? MoveableType? It’s been a while since I’ve been up on my blogging technology. I’d like to spend about an hour researching different blogs that I frequent to find out what they use and what method will support advertising, donations, customizable templates, etc.
    4. Write out a simple business plan. – I mainly want to explicate the purpose and values.
    5. Add my first article. I would say this is it and this step is already done!
    6. Research more about advertising and affiliate marketing.
    7. And of course, write more articles.

    While Steve Pavlina mentions not having generated any income in his first 4 months of operationing his blog, The quality of his early articles are also not that high. I am thankful for the level of transparency he presents across his entire publication. It is invaluable in seeing what worked for him and how I can build a business model on his, while improving areas that I see could be improved.

    There is something so satisfying about writing a blog post- a sample of my life, as I have just done – and looking back at it, feeling gratified in having created something that has orignal content, meaning, and inherant value.

  • What else is new.

    This time of year… Maybe Tom is right. Maybe it is this time of year that makes me depressed which leads me in turn to this mental state I am in now where I do not feel that I can face life. I feel as though I am totally incapable of dealing with what I have before me. Just for clarity, let’s review what it is that is bugging me…

    1. Got in a fight with Carrie last night which carried over to tonight’s conversation on the phone which evolved into tonight’s fight on the phone. Her grandmother died two days ago. While I admittedly lack any experience in bereavement support, I have nonetheless did everything I could to show her that I care. Considering the business of our lives lately, this included a brief 2-minute conversation and embrace while I was still half asleep as she left for school at 7am and I still lay asleep, a 10 minute phone call while I was incredibly busy at work, a 10 minute car ride conversation where she expressed some sadness and requested that I stay at her house for the night. She made arrangements to fly to Calgary for the following morning. I had an incredibly stressful day myself at work then my car wouldn;t start after work and I spent an hour in the rain waiting for a jump start all so that I could rush off and spend time showing my sponsee how to do Step 4. Then to the meeting to be of service there. She hadn’t been to a meeting in about 10 days – the longest she had ever gone without a meeting. She also hadn’t eaten in 8 hours and was totally insane. All defects were in full swing, including my favourite, where she tells me that she’s okay with something, like me going and eating with my buddies and then going home to sleep cause she doesn’t feel like eating and come to think of it has lots of her own needs to tend to. I agree, and think to myself, “wow, I am dating such an understanding girl. Even though both our lives are falling apart she has the ability to reccognize that and allow us to both go and deal with our shit. Our love never falters. WRONG. It was infact a manipulative ploy to see whether I would stay or go. Because I left, she later sent me a hateful text telling me essentially that I don’t care for her needs and that I’m selfish, blah blah blah. Come to think of it, we’ve been fighting a lot lately – I would say weekly. If I start blogging again, I will be able to track it.
    2. Work. Hate it. They use me, underpay me. I feel undervalued. I work in a rich company that lavishes other departments and not mine. I feel like the bastard step-child. Cinderella. If I had more money, say $28/hour, would I enjoy it? Hardly. at the end of every day I feel entirely used up. I’m of no use to Carrie after work, and no use to anybody. At the end of every day I feel angry at people, irritable, resentful at my work and the state of my life, trapped in a job where I feel undervaluedd and overworked.
    3. The state of my Finances. I do not make enough money to support everything. Rent, gas, clothing, food, phone bill, visa bill, financing, savings. I can’t keep up. I am constantly drowning. CRA is hounding me for proof of my 2006 income.
    4. MSP is hounding me for payments to my long overdue MSP premiums. I can’t pay this until CRA gets off my back. I don’t know what to do.
    5. I have been waiting to move in to my new house for months. Rob keeps pushing the date for move-in and it’s driving me mad.
    6. I want to travel. I want to be doing something other than what I’m doing right now. But what else it new.

  • New Event

    Posted with LifeCast

  • I spent nothing today.

    I spent nothing today. I worked for 9 hours at a job, doing something pretty enjoyable that I am exceptionally good at. I worked for a wage that I negotiated for, and I am going to negotiate for more when ever I want to. I ate food for lunch that I made from scratch with my own hands. I had a delicious dinner with my family who I love so much that I cry when I think about it. I had a conversation with my sister that made me feel closer to her. I talked to Breanna about her day. I had a shower to relax and clean myself. I spent nothing today, not a dime. And I gained so much.

  • A searching and fearless sex inventory.

    July 08, 2007 was my last post!?!?! That’s amazing. A month after that, on August 14, 2007 I flew to Los Angeles. I lived there for just over three months, and it’s a shame that I didn’t keep record of my time there on this blog. One day all memory of it will have evaporated in to the ether and forver lost.

    I just finished a sex inventory. It was rigorously thorough and honest – and long. I wrote down every girl or boy I ever had sexual encounters with even if it wasn’t intercourse, even if it was just flirting. I listed them all, gave specific testimony of how I acted in that relationship, and my specific wrongs done to them. I’m now ready to go sit for an hour and look over it, to make sure I haven’t missed anything.

    My mind this evening is amazingly quiet for the first time in a long time, perhaps years.

  • LA still….

    I need to go to LA. I need to fly out of this nest. Vancouver is so small. I need the heat and the beach. I need to cut ties and start new. My band is over and I need a new project in a new city. I have a plan, too. I need to sell some stuff and take my savings and i will have about 7 grand. Buy a ticket to LA. Stay with Thia or Pete for a few weeks. Buy a car for under 2500 bucks. Then look at apartments. Go to a shit load of meetings and put it out there that I need a place to live and work UTT.

    I’m so chicken shit though. Here’s what my holdup is: selling that shit, some of it I am attached to. Like my Ampeg SVT. If I sold that I would make like 3200 bucks. But it’s really rare. Other things include the hope that maybe RSD will get back together after our two-week hiatus. I also have a carpentry level exam on the 16th. And I definitely want to go to that and pwn it. Also, how to get my things to LA without looking like I’m moving there. I would take a suitcase and a backpack and my guitar. And that’s it. Holy shit.

  • my new guitar…

    is so beautiful. first item on my dream board has been actualized. A vintage white Gibson SG Standard. oh my fucking god. it’s such a nice guitar. It was at Tom Lee for the last few months. I would go in once or twice a week and ask to play it. I have been wanting an SG since I was 13. My friend, Alec had an SG copy and I remember us pretending to be Angus Young in his room with it. I’ve been thinking about it nonestop for the last couple weeks, about actually buying it. and on tuesday i was having a rough day. So i caved and went in and bought it. yay. Just gave it a setup today- oiled the fretboard, polished the finish, polished the metal, put new D’Addario 11-49’s on it, reset the pickups and intonated it. It stays in tune amazingly. epecially considering these are brand new strings. like… it NEVER goes out of tune. rosewood fretboard is my favorite. action is awesome. a slight string buzz still, cause the frets are so warn down. might need a fret dressing in a few months. but otherwise it sounds fucking killer. all those songs that i have been practicing that were 75% there are now 100% there in sound and playability. so stoked.

    video shoot yesterday for The Battle, our second single. got doused in buckets of paint. horrible shit to get out of hair. there was a hot young chick there named Sabina. wanna makeout with her bigtime. she’s only 17, though… still weighing my morality.

  • breaking down my spiritual beliefs

    —————– Original Message —————–
    From: D MAQ
    Date: 15/05/2007

    blasphemy!!!! May God have mercy on you….lol no playing but… really…. how the heck do you suppose we have souls..?.
    unless, you really don’t think we have souls?

    did souls evolve from apes or something?

    Response:

    I am assuming that by souls you mean our spiritual dimension. I believe that we are spiritual beings accountable for a physical body here on this planet. I also believe that every animal and living thing has a spiritual dimension. Dogs, horses, insects, trees. This spiritual dimension is essentially energy. It is on a higher plane than our consciousness or our feelings, both of which we often mistake for our spiritual dimension. I’m gonna have to think about your concept of “souls”, though. Because I equate having a soul with having a personal thing that can be redeemed or saved or validated. My idea of our spiritual dimension is more expansive than that and can even transcend bodies and physical limitations explaining how you can feel inexplicably connected or affected by people, thoughts, nature etc. Like a whole spiritual level that we can’t see and can’t even conceive where there are no limits and where every animal and person’ spirit can meld together in a sea of energy transference.

    And yes, i do not believe in God yet i do believe in this spiritual field, because i do not believe that one power has ultimate authority in the spiritual field, everything and ultimately everyone is equal with no limits or rules or conditions. yet i can understand when people talk about “God” because they are talking about a ultimate omnipresent power, and i can relate that with my theory of a spiritual field that is everywhere and nowhere and is everything and is in everything.

    Now, as for your question about where souls come from. I am going to assume that you mean where does this spitual realm come from, and conversely where do our idividual capacities for spiritual awareness come from, since I have already explained that I do not believe in the term “souls”. I really have no explanation for where this spritual realm came from, how it came to be or when it will end. However I do belive that it is in a constant state of change, and that when our physical bodies perish our spirit can still exist in the spritual dimension. I also believe that while our physical bodies are still alive, our spirits can be so disconected from the great spiritual dimension that we are essentially spritually-void physical facades of beings. Many people live in this state of non-existence.

    This is all very wordy, i know. but read it slow and it just migh make sense. i hope you can understand what my consciousness is trying to convey to you.

    What’s your belief?

    n.

  • Six Flags Magic Moutain

    i wish you were still here too. it’s been a fucking awesome week here, dude. fucking unreal.

    So, Rob and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain yesterday with a new friend of ours from Vancouver. we rode every single rollercoaster there: Viper, Tatsu twice, DejaVu, Riddler’s Revenge, Batman The Ride, Superman The Ride, and X. By half way through my body was so rocked. I never knew that it was legal for rollercaosters to cause one physical trauma. I feel like i was in 8 car crashes yesterday. They were the coolest rollercoasters I have ever been on, but nonetheless I think I dropped 20 IQ points since yesterday morning. So, this one ride, DejaVu works by first going in reverse at a really high backwards up an incline so the coaster can get it’s speed. then it drops and goes down a really crazy track that does unnatural things to your body and then it hits the endd of the track and does the whole thing again in reverse. Well, about 5 seconds in to the first descent I hit my head on the padded shoulder rest and kinda blacked out. I couldn’t see anything. It was the feeling right before fainting. And it’s really scary being on a rollercoaster and being blind. oh, and rob relapsed on cough medicine at Magic Mountain. He thought it would be a great idea to drink some Robitussin on an empty stomach so that he could try to have an accidental freebee. nice try. he was stoned. it was funny.

    just woke up on the couch at Thia’s. I feel awesome. I’m going to go shower and smoke.

    I fucking love it here. I want to move here.