whatever and everything

Blog

  • ninth floor balcony

    We are going to try to make it work.

    Seeing her again this morning, just so fucking sad. I was sad too. Last night, drunk, messaging Lauren. Missing her. Wanting connection and comfort. Feeling so lonely. Realizing I was looking outside myself. Thinking about what was I had and this separation and the pain I was causing and the pain I was causing myself. 

    I thought about jumping off the balcony from the ninth floor. And how would end all the suffering for me. It would just be over. But then the thought of suicide comes with his own sadness. 

    Bleak

    I am willing to see if we can work it out. I’m willing to talk with her to see what the deal is. Maybe we can work it out maybe we can’t. But I’m willing to try. I’m willing to talk to somebody together. I want to be open to change. 

    I’ve been running from this fear.

    I’ve been drinking too much to escape this darkness.

    There’s so much to learn from this. And so much growth is around the corner.

    There’s so much I have learned from Lauren. What passion feels like. To be wanted. To feel attractive. Flirting with her feel so good. Sex that feels so good. 

    I don’t know what is in the future for Carrie and I. But I owe it to our family after 18 years to see what else I can grow from this.

    He held each other both crying this morning. And there was a glimpse of something beautiful. Something deep.

    So we are both just gonna be brutally honest with each other and in therapy and if it works it works.

    I told her I know that it’s going to be hard for her. But I don’t know what else to do. Lie to her? Lie to myself?

    I told her that I really need to be able to have the freedom to have sex with other people. She said yes she wants that for me and she knows I need that. 

    Whether I use it or not, I need non-exclusivity.

    I can’t feel trapped. I can’t feel suffocated. I need to be real with myself why I have these feeling of suffocation.

    I told her that I want my own bed, and sometimes we can sleep together but I also need my space. She’s okay with that.

    Everything is on the table. Everything is negotiable. We had to burn it down to build it back up.

    I need therapy. I have been transferring my childhood trauma to Carrie. She’s become the stand in for my mom. I am afraid of her because I was afraid of my mom. Boring trauma and I’m ready to get over it.

    Pain is an indicator. It’s also the greatest motivator. There is fear here. I have to go through it or I’m going to jump off a balcony.

  • with you / out here

    Wish I was with you out here,
    Instead of alone.
    I could be your big spoon.
    It could be a different night,
    Everything perfect.
    Why do you feel so good?
    Make it make sense.
    The memory of you in
    Another life.
    So clear / unafraid.
    I feel safe with you.
    Want you here. Want you close.
    Told myself I wouldn’t text.
    Wish i was with you out here.

  • Hawaii day 1

    I had to work this morning and she took the kids out and to the beach. But the beach was too stressful for her so she bailed. I met them back at the hotel after working. They were all in terrible moods. Turns out the kids and her hadn’t eaten and Rowan told me she was a total stress case. I took the kids out for lunch and took them back to the beach. We had a great time! Rowan said “I don’t know why the beach was so stressful this morning but this is so nice.” 

    I told her mom is under a lot of stress and is having trouble accepting this separation and she needs time to process it.

    Rowan told me the other kids were super stressed too.

    Probably because they are taking on her emotions, as they have always done. Whereas I had such a blast with them! What’s not to like! In Hawaii with my favourite people, at the beach!? It doesn’t get any better than that. But instead she chooses to be unhappy and focus on… what? What’s different? The IDEA that we aren’t married anymore? I don’t get it. Literally nothing has changed except me drawing a line. And it has shattered her world. I didn’t realize the extent of her codependency.

    Took Carrie and the kids to Monkeypod for dinner. When we left the hotel Carrie just looked sick. I could tell she was suppressing so much anxiety. It’s hard to see her in pain. I wish I could fix it. But I can’t lie to myself and to her to fix it.
    I ordered some food I thought she would like – a tomato avocado salad and a lobster pizza. Thankfully, she actually ate some. After some food and a cocktail I could see the light come back in her eyes.

    After dinner, the kids ran off to look in ABC and Rowan was drawing in her sketchbook. Carrie and I finally had a few minutes to talk. This had been a theme in our marriage also – rarely having more than 30 seconds to talk with each other, the kids absorbing all air from every situation.

    I asked her how I could help her.

    She said, “I haven’t had the time to process this yet that you have. But I know it’s going to be okay.”

    I said, ”can I suggest something? That you stay in the moment. Look at us right now, at this restaurant, in Hawaii, with our kids. Nothing has changed except the IDEA that this concept of “marriage” is something we are no longer subscribing to, and your reaction to it. You don’t need to let the fear of the future or your sadness of some perceived loss ruin your present moment. Be here, be here now. The kids need you to just be present with them. If not, they are just picking up your stress and sadness and it will be stressful and sad for them.”

    she heard that. And it seemed to click for her. That she was going to be okay. That her and I are ok, even without this label. I told her that nothing has changed, I’m just calling a spade a spade – that our marriage wasn’t a marriage for years. We were roommates and coparents who held hands and occasionally fucked. And that’s the whole point – I was dying a slow death in this marriage. I needed to leave to be able to experience romantic, sexual desire and intimacy. She keeps saying, “ but we were both just so busy and focused on the wrong things. We could fix it. We could work on intimacy.” But for me, that ship has sailed. Our relationship is past that and not able to return. You can’t willfully make yourself manufacture intimacy.

    I asked her if we could call each other partners instead of husband/wife or ex. This is my partner, Carrie. Because we will always be bound to each other through the kids and the experience we have had the past 18 years. I am okay to call her my close friend and partner. Partner is non-exclusive. Partner doesn’t come with the pretense and structure and meaning of the concept of marriage. Partner can mean business partner. Partner can mean sharing a common goal and interest. And it isn’t sexual. She likes that. She is into that. So that’s what we are now.

    we haven’t figured out our housing situation yet. One day at a time.

  • the moms

    Oh man, I thought we were getting somewhere last night. I was super excited about the idea of conscious uncoupling. And relieved that she was onboard. We held hands and it felt different. The beginning of a new understanding of what our relationship could evolve to.

    We are spiritual beings having a human experience. And that her and I will always have a spiritual connection. And are always connected through our children. But that for me, the idea of this marriage is over and not recoverable. That I don’t want a romantic partnership with her. She understood. She was remarkably understanding. Was fully onboard and could see the vision I see.

    the Vision

    How we can coparent and will be great friends. We will have family events together – birthdays, holidays, the odd vacation. We will support each other. We will be kind to each other always. We will always see the best in each other and want the best for each other.

    This morning I wake up to a barrage of “her journaled thoughts”. Back to the guilt trip and bargaining and pleading.

    🤮 it’s so repulsive to me.

    Also now getting it from my mom. She tried yelling at me last night and laid guilt trips on me and frothy emotional appeal. Flash back to my childhood and teens and the whole start of my repulsion to that kind of manipulation and fear based response. Which wounded me then and I still have those . The same scars that are rubbed by Carrie now and the reason I want out.

  • do i want this

    all the pain i am causing

    the pain that was already there

    all in sorrow

    what i’ve caused

    lead me only

    to what was next

    if it could be better

    it would already be

    can wait no longer

    for what could be

    (WIP)

  • I’ve told Carrie that I don’t wanna be married anymore. All she heard was that I’m unhappy and she’s doing everything to try to keep me to stay. She went to see Counsellor today. She went and fixed the relationship with her brother today she’s trying to show me that she’s gonna change as a person. But for me, I’m already checked out. It feels too little too late. And that’s heartbreaking for her. I don’t wanna give her false. Hope that things are going to turn around and I’m going to want to stay. I want separation. But I also love her as a person and it hurts me to see her hurt. After telling her I wanted a divorce last night I ended up sleeping in our bed. Not because I wanted to, but because she was begging me to stay in the room with her. She was in full-blown panic attack. It felt heartless for me to leave her like that. So I took care of her. after hours of convulsing and throwing up, I got her calm down watching a show and gave her an Ativan. She put her head on my shoulder. I put my hand on her back. I comforted her and I told her it was gonna be OK. Which is an a lie. I know she’s gonna be OK. She’s a strong woman and she could do hard things.

    What do I do tonight when I get home. She’s doing everything to try to show me how an ideal partner she is. She made dinner. She’s giving me space. But all I want is distance and it makes me feel like I’m the monster.

  • Untitled

    Trying to be good

    You try too

    Crashing cars

    Steel on steel

    Skin on skin

    No touch / no talk

    Hum between walls

    Sparks no faces

    Air pocket of hours

    Distance apart

    Souls connected

    Another time, another place, another life

    Not saying never

    Car breaking down

    What’s that rattle 

    Maybe you do too?

    Fifteen years ago I meet you instead

    Smaller storms and cheaper rent

    Our kids and our life

    Would I feel different now

    Or would we still

    Be checking under the hood

  • scenarios

    I’m still thinking about her every minute. Like literally every minute. I think about her face. I replay snapshots of us hanging out last week. I replay the feeling of comfort, excitement and admiration I felt. I loved that she was so comforted by me. It’s a happy place I can escape to. I’ve been living there all week. 

    I wonder what she’s doing if she’s having a good time with Mike I wonder if she’s thinking about me too. I do the math over in my head of when I will see her next.

    Thankfully, the feeling is less intense now than it was on Saturday and Sunday. That was actual withdrawal pain. The feeling is less now less reactive, but also deeper somehow more authentic somehow. I probably am putting a lot on her. But just because it’s novel doesn’t mean it doesn’t have profound weight and meaning.

    I imagine all the various scenarios of what it will be like when she gets back and we see each other again. Or what work will be like with her around. Or what six months or a year from now will look like. 

    One scenario is a world where we can be together as much as we want above board and honestly. In that world, both our careers would need to change and my marriage would need to end. She wouldn’t get to be a mom, and I want her to have what she wants. And eventually, we just become a boring married couple with unmet needs.

    In another scenario, we are still keeping it a secret. It’s alive and electric. Forbidden love that we both know wouldn’t survive daylight. But that’s what makes it so amazing. It would be complicated if she gets promoted to my team and then I’m her actual boss . Would she feel like she slept with me to get a promotion? Am I predatory?I hate that. it would Il legitimize both our relationship and her promotion for which she’s so worthy.

    In the third scenario, we draw a hard line and neither of us are crossing it. Who knows who would be the stronger one. Probably her. and then I would be the one stuck in this mire of wanting her and not being able to have her. I wouldn’t be sleeping with Ruth, but I would be with her in my mind constantly. but at least there would be a chance that our careers could go on as they are on their current trajectories. Thankfully, she would get to stay at Earls where we could still see each other professionally. She would meet a new guy and have kids and a family. And maybe we could be friends. this one kind of feels like it sucks the most but it’s fair and logically correct.

    In the fourth scenario, and the one I’m most preoccupied with lately, we see each other when she gets back on Monday and I ask her how she’s doing and she tells me how hard her week was having to be with Mike but thinking about me the whole time. I tell her it was the same for me having to put up with Carrie. My heart is racing and we talk about what we should do. We give each other a smile and we both know what we should do. We talk about the right thing to do is to end it. But our eyes were telling a different story of desire. We leave work and go back to her apartment. We have some drinks and we fuck all afternoon. It’s so hot. The next day we go back to work and vow to each other that we have to stop for the sake of our jobs. But the affair stays alive behind closed doors, adding excitement to both of our dysfunctional relationships. Every so often through the year will get assigned on a trip together, and we bunk up and hang out and they will be amazing holidays together. That forbidden love forever sustained.

  • Message for Ruth (WIP)

    Hi Ruth –

    This has been so intense, in the best way that a human can experience intensity. You’ve woken something up in me that I haven’t felt in years, and I’m so grateful for that. You gave me human kindness and comfort that I haven’t felt in over a decade. Our time in Hawaii was like I was riding MDMA. 

    Distance from you is so painful for me. It’s wild how much I miss you.

    I don’t want to watch either of us burn our lives to the ground.

    After a lot of soul-searching and jorunalling, this is what I have come up with. This is hot precisely because it’s so destructive to both of us.

    In another time this could work. Or maybe this is what it looks like when it works.

    If this thing between us is more than just a passionate fling, and if there is any change of something working romantically between us, I have to do a two things first:

    1. I need to deal with my marriage, cleanly and honestly. If I don’t, it will torch my family, my kids, and our reputations. I care about you too much to drag you into the middle of that mess. I need to separate my marriage without you being the reason. Even still, it’s going to be painful and messy.
    2. I want you to thrive in your career and I don’t want to compromize your future here or mine. We would need to make career changes to our reporting structure.

    I want you to know that you aren’t the cause of my pending divorce. I didn’t share the details with you but I have been suffering in my marriage silently for a long time. I thought that once committed to marriage, there was never a reason to leave. I stoically thought that I had to take on all the pain. But over the past year or so, I’ve reflected that just maybe that is all wrong and that I deserve more. That my kids deserve to be around a dad who’s actually happy in his relationship and not around parents who fight and don’t always bring out the best in each other.

    You woke me up to the fact that I don’t need to settle, you reminded me what intimacy and fun feels like, and that I am loveable. And it felt so amazing.

    Once I have cleaned up my wreckage, I’ll see if you’re still around.

    So right now, I need to step back from anything personal between us and just be back to strictly business. I gotta cool my jets and take a pause.

    I don’t know where life will land us after that. Maybe it brings us back together, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe this space will give you time to find someone to build a family with. But if we do get back together, it will be clean, it will be fair, and it won’t put your career, your relationship—or mine—in jeopardy.

    That’s where I’m at. Sucks to admit it for me. It won’t be for me but I need you help.