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I think we need

to get drunk with each other

to touch

to kiss

to escape reality with

to wake up with

/each other

+ as soon as possible

I like the way you look at me

like you are happy with just me.

I like how I can’t stop staring back—

eyes heavy, brain empty,

just you.

you fit against me like comfort

I want to pull you in close,

feel your breath in my ear,

feel your ear in my mouth.

feel all of you,

your skin sweating against mine,

real.

you bent over,

your hair falling, back arching, thrusting,

your body begging

I want to taste the salt of you,

lick the edge of your hunger,

slide my tongue where you start shaking.

I want to eat you out slow,

then faster,

then not at all—

I want your ass in my hands,

My tongue on every part of you.
A part of you

I want to fall asleep inside you,

wake up to your smell,

your legs wrapped around me like we survived something. Together.

I want to sit naked by a fire with you,

drink wine,

talk about nothing,

and then fuck again.

I want to climb mountains with you,

watch the cold bite our skin,

then warm up in some motel room,

still smelling like snow and sex.

you’re kind to me.

I’m kind to you.

that’s the dangerous part.

with you I don’t feel alone.

I just feel—

wild, seen,

like maybe this is what being alive is supposed to feel like.

if I died in that moment,

still inside you,

breathing your name—

that’d be alright.

I like this

I like the way you look at me.

like I’m a thing worth keeping.

I long to look at you too—

not just look—stare, like a fool.

you fit against me like we’ve been broken

by the same kind of loneliness.

I drink and think /

about your mouth,

your skin on mine,

how maybe it’s a mistake

We are too far apart.

I want tents and alcohol

salt on your neck,

your sweat under my tongue.

I want to eat you alive,

eat the ache right out of you,

sit by a fire till the wood gives up,

watch the moon fall into the water.

snowy mountains.

calm boards.

waves that don’t give a damn.

I want all of it,

but mostly I want you there.

you’re kind.

I’m kind back.

we cancel the world out for a while.

with you, I’m alone

but not lonely.

free but not gone.

I could lie beside you forever,

eyes open,

breathing the same night.

if I died there,

it’d be alright.

maybe if you don’t want to be a buzzkill

then don’t come up on me when I’m alone

drinking on the balcony

and start talking to me about

”what it all means”

A few things are true for me:

This passion for you has been one of the most intense experiences of my life.

Sex with you was incredible.

My marriage has been painful and scary and I wanted to run from it.

My goal:

1. To have peace from fear
   1. Fear of Carrie
2. To have freedom from all attachment

Some issues uncovered:

• Carrie enjoys time together, I enjoy time apart
• She sacrifices her wants and needs for what she thinks I want and a lot of time for what I actuallywant

When people ask me, where are you? I think I’m in trouble, but I shouldn’t be where I am.

When people ask me, what are you doing? I don’t hear warm curiosity. I hear you’re in trouble. But I shouldn’t be doing what I am.

There’s been a development. And I don’t need opinion Breanna, I need support Breanna.

Carrie and I are going to try to see if we can make it work. We are committing to going to a couples counsellor weekly for a 8 weeks and work through this shit that has gotten so big that I wanted to blow it up. If nothing else, so that we can both feel like we really tried everything, and so that we can identify how we each need to grow from this.

We’ve been together 18 years. That’s not nothing. And sure there has been a lot of shit I’ve put up with. We also have three kids and seeing the way this was so fucking hard for them this last week was just heartbreaking. Last night I thought about jumping off the balcony to just end the suffering because I felt like there’s no other option. But I think there is. I want to see if I can get everything I need and not explode everyone’s lives. My needs include sleeping with other people – I straight up told her that. And she said “I’ve known for a long time that is something you want and I want you to have that.” And that’s a must for me. I’ve just been too scared until now to really lay it out. But now I have no fear of “wrecking my marriage” by asking what I need, because it was already over. If it’s going to be rebuilt, it’s going to be better.

And this fear I have in this relationship – this terror and shame I feel, that’s my shit. That is 100% be projecting my mom onto Carrie and reacting as though I’m 16 again in my moms house getting “caught” and yelled at and shamed. And I need to work through that with my own counsellor or it will just continue to haunt me with every relationship. Her part is when I withdraw, it triggers her abandonment issues, so she gets mad trying to get me to stay but it does the opposite and triggers my issues and I withdraw from her. And that’s been our cycle.

We have both been operating at 110% for so long we have both neglected ourselves. We’ve been putting the kids first, and I’ve been putting work next, and then her and then me. And I never actually take care of me. So I have been burned out for so long. And so has she. Really, I need to flip that and put me first, then her, then work, then the kids.

So yeah.

I still am so hot for Lauren, and want to lick every part of her sexy body, and I don’t know what to do with that because it’s career suicide and also I know is blocking her from experiencing a potential relationship with a guy who could give her the family she wants. But goddamn, the sex was so hot, and she makes me go crazy with lust.

Wish I was with you out here,
Instead of alone.
I could be your big spoon.
It could be a different night,
Everything perfect.
Why do you feel so good?
Make it make sense.
The memory of you in
Another life.
So clear / unafraid.
I feel safe with you.
Want you here. Want you close.
Told myself I wouldn’t text.
Wish i was with you out here.

I had to work this morning and she took the kids out and to the beach. But the beach was too stressful for her so she bailed. I met them back at the hotel after working. They were all in terrible moods. Turns out the kids and her hadn’t eaten and Rowan told me she was a total stress case. I took the kids out for lunch and took them back to the beach. We had a great time! Rowan said “I don’t know why the beach was so stressful this morning but this is so nice.” 

I told her mom is under a lot of stress and is having trouble accepting this separation and she needs time to process it.

Rowan told me the other kids were super stressed too.

Probably because they are taking on her emotions, as they have always done. Whereas I had such a blast with them! What’s not to like! In Hawaii with my favourite people, at the beach!? It doesn’t get any better than that. But instead she chooses to be unhappy and focus on… what? What’s different? The IDEA that we aren’t married anymore? I don’t get it. Literally nothing has changed except me drawing a line. And it has shattered her world. I didn’t realize the extent of her codependency.

Took Carrie and the kids to Monkeypod for dinner. When we left the hotel Carrie just looked sick. I could tell she was suppressing so much anxiety. It’s hard to see her in pain. I wish I could fix it. But I can’t lie to myself and to her to fix it.
I ordered some food I thought she would like – a tomato avocado salad and a lobster pizza. Thankfully, she actually ate some. After some food and a cocktail I could see the light come back in her eyes.

After dinner, the kids ran off to look in ABC and Rowan was drawing in her sketchbook. Carrie and I finally had a few minutes to talk. This had been a theme in our marriage also – rarely having more than 30 seconds to talk with each other, the kids absorbing all air from every situation.

I asked her how I could help her.

She said, “I haven’t had the time to process this yet that you have. But I know it’s going to be okay.”

I said, ”can I suggest something? That you stay in the moment. Look at us right now, at this restaurant, in Hawaii, with our kids. Nothing has changed except the IDEA that this concept of “marriage” is something we are no longer subscribing to, and your reaction to it. You don’t need to let the fear of the future or your sadness of some perceived loss ruin your present moment. Be here, be here now. The kids need you to just be present with them. If not, they are just picking up your stress and sadness and it will be stressful and sad for them.”

she heard that. And it seemed to click for her. That she was going to be okay. That her and I are ok, even without this label. I told her that nothing has changed, I’m just calling a spade a spade – that our marriage wasn’t a marriage for years. We were roommates and coparents who held hands and occasionally fucked. And that’s the whole point – I was dying a slow death in this marriage. I needed to leave to be able to experience romantic, sexual desire and intimacy. She keeps saying, “ but we were both just so busy and focused on the wrong things. We could fix it. We could work on intimacy.” But for me, that ship has sailed. Our relationship is past that and not able to return. You can’t willfully make yourself manufacture intimacy.

I asked her if we could call each other partners instead of husband/wife or ex. This is my partner, Carrie. Because we will always be bound to each other through the kids and the experience we have had the past 18 years. I am okay to call her my close friend and partner. Partner is non-exclusive. Partner doesn’t come with the pretense and structure and meaning of the concept of marriage. Partner can mean business partner. Partner can mean sharing a common goal and interest. And it isn’t sexual. She likes that. She is into that. So that’s what we are now.

we haven’t figured out our housing situation yet. One day at a time.

Oh man, I thought we were getting somewhere last night. I was super excited about the idea of conscious uncoupling. And relieved that she was onboard. We held hands and it felt different. The beginning of a new understanding of what our relationship could evolve to.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience. And that her and I will always have a spiritual connection. And are always connected through our children. But that for me, the idea of this marriage is over and not recoverable. That I don’t want a romantic partnership with her. She understood. She was remarkably understanding. Was fully onboard and could see the vision I see.

the Vision

How we can coparent and will be great friends. We will have family events together – birthdays, holidays, the odd vacation. We will support each other. We will be kind to each other always. We will always see the best in each other and want the best for each other.

This morning I wake up to a barrage of “her journaled thoughts”. Back to the guilt trip and bargaining and pleading.

🤮 it’s so repulsive to me.

Also now getting it from my mom. She tried yelling at me last night and laid guilt trips on me and frothy emotional appeal. Flash back to my childhood and teens and the whole start of my repulsion to that kind of manipulation and fear based response. Which wounded me then and I still have those . The same scars that are rubbed by Carrie now and the reason I want out.