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…and I love it. I get to work on my laptop while she gets to improve herself through sleep.

Am I happily married? Or is the pain of leaving just greater than staying? Her constantly inconsistent attitude toward me. One minute she’ll be hugging me and kissing me and I believe the connection between us is real. Within an hour she will be yelling at me louder and with more ferocity than I would treat my worst enemy. It’s the worst when she yells at me I front of the kids. After slamming the door as hard as she could, Rowan turned to me and whispered, “we don’t slam doors,” something she has been taught and understood since she was old enough to slam a door. It’s hard to fault her for her angry spells though – she seems totally absent when she’s in them a “red out” they call it, where she’s not even aware how angry she is, can’t connect reality with the emotions coming out of her and seemingly no ability to control its onset or the ability to regulate it while it’s happening. All I can do is go silent, try to stay loving, try to tell myself “this is not your wife right now.” Usually, 9 times out of 10, she’s come out of it completely within an hour, back to being loving and affectionate, apologetic for her behaviour. But sometimes she feels justified for being angry. But nothing justifies being THAT angry towards the ones you love.

When I can tell she is sensitive, I have to walk on eggshells. I am careful to not be too close, because she could lash out over anything at anytime. I have just had my heart broken too many times, trusting that this person loves you and could never hurt me and the next minute being treated like the furthest thing from it.

There is just no justification for it.

Dexedrine seemed to help. It reduced her emotional tension, things which used to trigger her seemed to run off her back. But today she is out of pills and has no patience for anything.

I don’t want the kids exposed to this. When she is right-minded, she agrees that she doesn’t either. And that’s the funny thing about it. When she’s right-minded, her and I can compassionately joke about it and actually have productive conversations about what could help her – drugs, anger therapy, me taking careful approach to not suddenly switch plans on her, me taking more of an active role in the kids’ routine… But it’s like we are talking about a third party, like we are talking about how to help
A sick friend. Within an hour of such a talk, she could very well be back to frothing at the mouth yelling at me and slamming doors. I dunno.

I dream about what it would be like in another relationship. Would I be free from this? Probably, but I’d also probably have to put up with some other undesirable quality. Should I just count my blessings? The thing that has always made me stay is the kids. I would do anything for them, including sacrificing my own happiness and relationship aspirations to ensure they don’t have a broken home. But am I delusional? Is the home broken by having an angry mom? Is the reality that she loves me and just has angry spells? Or is the love all just put on as well, as flippant as at other emotion she may have?

Just to clarify, she doesn’t hit them. Doesn’t say cruel things to them. Doesn’t manipulate them. It’s not that deep. Inside, i believe she loves them more than anything. Her anger is only surface deep. But as I sit in the other room some nights, hearing her yell at the kids while putting them to sleep, my heart starts pounding in a full adrenal response to terror. How the hell is that not impacting the little guys who are an 8th my size and 5 feet from it?

Last weekend was a rough one. Carrie and I fought. Even worse, it seems that we just weren’t getting along, like we didn’t even like each other. I wondered if we ever had. The kids were a lot of work. Still are. There has been decreasingly less and less time for just her and I to enjoy each other. We have become more of a working relationship and less of a loving one. Our conversations are merely fnctional – who is picking up the kids, what groceries do we need, meal planning, life planning, my travel, her school. Life is full and full-on. Add to that that Carrie was PMSing. I was coming off nicotine.

Side bar: I smoke when I am travelling for work. It’s not a sometimes. it’s an always. The minute I get in the cab on the way to the airport, it’s the first thing I think about. I leave a pack of smokes hidden at the airport – behind the phonebook, under the payphone in the domestic terminal by the shuttle pickup area. Why? Because no one uses payphones anymore, much less phone books.

So This weekend we planned a few things to give us some time. We had a date night last night – much needed. And you know what? I think it helped us. We acutally remembered what each other are like when we’re not just merely putting out fires. I really do love her. But last weekend I was contemplating what the point of this was anymore.

She thinks…

• I am ungrateful and selfish.
• That, “it must be so nice to have so much autonomy.” 
• That I just do whatever I want and expect her to accomodate my life.
• I don’t ever think about her and the kids.
• I coddle Rowan instead of “disciplining her”
• Life is so easy for me.
• She has to

I think…

• All I care about in the world are Rowan and Henrik.
• My role is to provide for my family and be a loving father and husband.
• It’s hard to be a loving husband to someone who thinks you don’t support them.
• My only true complaint and obstacle from enjoying life is that she complains and gets angry.
• I don’t like the way she yells at Rowan.
• She’s plays the victim.
• I accomodate her as best I can around my 40-hour work week and my business travel.
• She has watched more Netflix TV in the last month than I’ve watched in a year.
• She has more time and opportunities to maintain friendships than I do.
• She can make plans during the day to see friends whenever she wants.
• I always make sure she can go to a meeting and see her friends whenever she wants.
• When I get back from travelling, I make sure I take days off work to be with the kids and her, stay home in the evenings to be with her.
• When I get back from travelling, she is bitter and resentful at me. I have to try hard to be kind and loving despite this.
• Our lives together are really great.
• She does not enjoy our lives together.
• She complains almost everyday about something I do.
• She finds working such a chore.
• Work is a part of life and nothing to get worked up about.
• She doesn’t like that I have to travel for work.
• She doesn’t like if I leave before 7:30AM or if ‘m home later than 4:30PM (only an 8.5 hour work day). Even though I work less hours per week than everyone else in my department.
• She thinks c

 3 Gratitudes

Grateful for a comfortable, warm, dry bed with a sleeping companion to cuddle.

Grateful for dental benefits for myself and my family.

Grateful for a family that love me.

Positive Experience

Pretty much any moment with Rowan today. There were so many. Cuddling with her on the couch cause she was sick. making her a healthy juice of oranges, carrots and beets.

3 gratitudes

1. I am grateful I have a job I am reasonably good at and most of the time don’t mind going to.
2. I am grateful I have a loving wife whom I trust entirely with whom I have a mutually respectful, spiritual, and growing relationship. I am grateful we share goals, values, thoughts and humor.
3. I am grateful for a wonderfully perfect little girl. I love you, Rowan.

Journal

Positive experience of Mike House sharing with me about his weekend, how he and his girlfriend are on the outs and I could be there for him as a friend. It felt good that he trusted me enough to tell me what was going on with him.

I went ahead with my application to BCIT’s Construction Management Program. It is two years full time, 3-7 years part-time. I plan on doing it in 5-6. Graduation with a BTech in Construction Management will mean qualification for a position as a construction manager or a project manager in construction. Should be able to ask for $80-120k a year. High $100’s in Australia or Northern Alberta.

Rowan is a jem. Learning to crawl, and soon to walk. She has 8 teeth. I love her to pieces. She makes me so happy. And everything I do is for her.