high school – guilt about not fitting in in high school, not doing well in school, not keeping up with my classmates, not graduating university like most of them
church – guilt for falling off the path
using and early recovery – shaem for my vulnerability and dependency
past fucks and lovers – not being good enough for them
When i ask for Carrie to tidy up after herself in the bathroom, it triggers her and she will always become defensive and say “i don’t ooint out all the shit that you do that bugs me [cause I know you’re doing the best you can, and you should also not point the shit that i do that bugs you because you should just realise i’m doing the best I can…
Interpretation: When I ask her to tidy up her stuff, she hears “you’re not doing enough, you’re not good enough, I don’t appreciate you. I’m going to leave you.” which causes her to react as if “if you’re going to leave me then I’m going to tell you all the shit that you do that bothers me that I don’t complain about” so that I’m not at fault here.
Her defensive rebuttals:
“I never complain about anything you leave lying around.”
“You are just as messy as me.”
“I never ask you for anything.”
“I never come to you for emotional support. I know that you don’t have any emotional support to give me, so i go to my friends for that.”
“You yell at the kids too.”
“I clean up just as much as you do.”
“You think that you are so good at everything.”
“you’re always telling me how you are better than me at XYZ.”
Mocking how I speak.
“You haven’t even once acknowledged how difficult this [nursing school] has been for me and how much of an accomplishment it has been.”
Scenario:
Me: “I am having a difficult time managing all the demands on me. Working full time while also taking care of the kids on summer break, their dropoffs and pickups, AND trying to do the laundry, keep the house tidy, cook, buy supplies, fix and maintain things, plan the future, handle our finances. I have a bunch of accounting work to do but can’t seem to find the time to fit it in.”
Her: “Yeah Nick. I do all the laundry, tidy house, cook and take care of the kids too AND am in school. You don’t see me complaining about all the things that I have to do. If you need something then just tell me and I’ll do it for you. Don’t complain and mope around acting like you’re so hard done by. It sounds like you’re blaming me for everything – for the house not being tidy, for not doing more.”
Me: “You are sounding a bit defensive. I wasn’t asking for any help from you in particular. I just wanted to tell you how I was feeling, and that I am feeling at my max.”
Her: “Then I’ll watch the kids so you can go work.”
Me: “I am not really asking for that. I don’t need a certain amount of hours of time to get this work done. I was just telling you how I was feeling. And I know we are both doing all we can to stay on top of the house chores and the kids.”
“When you are at work during the week Monday to Friday and the kids are at home over the summer, it means that I have to watch the kids AND try to work remotely at the same time AND do all the other house stuff. Compared to when you are at work, you are physically at work and can be 100% at work. And when you are not at work, you are 100% not at work and can be fully engaged in taking care of the kids and the house stuff.”
Her: “Yeah, that’s why when I need childcare I set it up in advance. I don’t know why you aren’t doing that.”
Me: “Yes, I need to do that. That would solve the problem. And when you are done your practicum and working and actually getting paid, we can afford a housekeeper or nanny or some sort of help.”
Her: “Yeah.”
Me: “Until then, I don’t know how to stay on top of the housework. Maybe we all just need to tidy up after ourselves better.”
Her: “I feel like I am.”
Me: “well, the bathroom… I don’t even want to bring it up… But you still leave your stuff on the bathroom counter like everyday.” (trigger)
Her: “You know what? You leave your shit on the bathroom sink too and I don’t say anything, I just clean it up because I’m like, “Nick is doing the best he can, I’m going to be a nice person and just clean up after him.” Instead you just point out all the things I do wrong. I can’t do anything good enough for you. You act like your shit doesn’t stink, like you don’t leave your shit lying around all over the house too.”
Me: “I do? Where? Point out where I leave my shit lying around if it bothers you and I will clean it up. I don’t want to bother you and if I’m doing something that annoys you, I want to stop doing that.”
Her: Pointing to two bins of sewing supplies in the hallway, “Those bins over there of whatever that is and this pile of stuff on this trunk.”
Me: “Oh okay, yes, that bothers me too. I just didn’t really know where to put that stuff cause it has no home. I will move that stuff.
Her: “See but that stuff doesn’t bother me because I don’t care about it! I don’t care if you leave stuff lying around because I recognize everything you do and cut you some slack.”
Me: “Oh, well then it’s not the same as your bathroom mess. That DOES bother me, which is why I pointed it out. If my stuff lying around doesn’t bother you, then it’s not the same. You do this everytime I bring up your bathroom mess. You immediately get defensive and point out shit that I do but then say how it DOESN’T bother you, implying that what you do shouldn’t bother you either. Well, we aren’t the same person and I think it’s okay that we have different needs from each other.
Constant mess everywhere in our house. People not tidying up after themselves
Credit card bill is always higher than expected, higher than I can afford
Need to make money, yet kids unhelpful, prevent me from working
Our house isn’t big enough
Carries anger
Who you’re in a partnership with
What you do for work
Who you spend time with
Where you live
What you do when you’re not working
Divided, she went with rowan all day to a softball tournament. I took nova and Henrik (and the dog) to Steveston for CANADA Day festivities and to visit family. I found the whole day very hard. Also wasn’t on dex today. So tired. Everything felt like an effort. It’s easy to tell myself it’s my own fault or just my perspective on days like this, rather than seeing it as someone else’s fault. I mean, it never is another persons fault, right?
So I’ve been with kids all day. Then Henriks friend Boaz came over for a sleepover four hours ago – Something Carrie had arranged two weeks ago and “forgot about”. And by the way, she’s also going to go out when she gets home. Going over to Meagan’s house to drink with her. Very vague about who is there or how wasted Meagan will be. So Illl just stay here and take Henrik, Boaz and Nova to the park and then put four kids to bed. It’s fine.
I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore.
I apologize for swearing at you. I am at my emotional max as it is from this depression.
I just can’t put up with that kind of disrespect. All I do is give and and provide. But it doesn’t give me the right to treat you shittily.
It’s apparent over the past bit that you need more time commitment from me than I am able to commit to. I can see that is hard for you because you are doing all the heavy lifting with the kids and need more from me than I can give. I wish I could do more but I’m already collapsing.
It doesn’t give you the right to resort to treat me like that though – getting angry at me like you did on Sunday when I couldn’t get Rowan, rolling your eyes at me when I come short of your expectations.
That sort of treatment from you is a trend and it makes me feel like complete shit, unappreciated. Especially at a time when I’m already feeling worthless. I’m not putting up with it anymore and I’m not letting you treat me like that anymore.
I’m doing everything I can for this family as I always have. And so are you. And if I ever make you feel unappreciated I need you to let me know. So let’s drop these expectations of perfection and realize that if I come up short on your expectation, it’s not because I’m not already doing everything I can do.
…and I love it. I get to work on my laptop while she gets to improve herself through sleep.
Am I happily married? Or is the pain of leaving just greater than staying? Her constantly inconsistent attitude toward me. One minute she’ll be hugging me and kissing me and I believe the connection between us is real. Within an hour she will be yelling at me louder and with more ferocity than I would treat my worst enemy. It’s the worst when she yells at me I front of the kids. After slamming the door as hard as she could, Rowan turned to me and whispered, “we don’t slam doors,” something she has been taught and understood since she was old enough to slam a door. It’s hard to fault her for her angry spells though – she seems totally absent when she’s in them a “red out” they call it, where she’s not even aware how angry she is, can’t connect reality with the emotions coming out of her and seemingly no ability to control its onset or the ability to regulate it while it’s happening. All I can do is go silent, try to stay loving, try to tell myself “this is not your wife right now.” Usually, 9 times out of 10, she’s come out of it completely within an hour, back to being loving and affectionate, apologetic for her behaviour. But sometimes she feels justified for being angry. But nothing justifies being THAT angry towards the ones you love.
When I can tell she is sensitive, I have to walk on eggshells. I am careful to not be too close, because she could lash out over anything at anytime. I have just had my heart broken too many times, trusting that this person loves you and could never hurt me and the next minute being treated like the furthest thing from it.
There is just no justification for it.
Dexedrine seemed to help. It reduced her emotional tension, things which used to trigger her seemed to run off her back. But today she is out of pills and has no patience for anything.
I don’t want the kids exposed to this. When she is right-minded, she agrees that she doesn’t either. And that’s the funny thing about it. When she’s right-minded, her and I can compassionately joke about it and actually have productive conversations about what could help her – drugs, anger therapy, me taking careful approach to not suddenly switch plans on her, me taking more of an active role in the kids’ routine… But it’s like we are talking about a third party, like we are talking about how to help
A sick friend. Within an hour of such a talk, she could very well be back to frothing at the mouth yelling at me and slamming doors. I dunno.
I dream about what it would be like in another relationship. Would I be free from this? Probably, but I’d also probably have to put up with some other undesirable quality. Should I just count my blessings? The thing that has always made me stay is the kids. I would do anything for them, including sacrificing my own happiness and relationship aspirations to ensure they don’t have a broken home. But am I delusional? Is the home broken by having an angry mom? Is the reality that she loves me and just has angry spells? Or is the love all just put on as well, as flippant as at other emotion she may have?
Just to clarify, she doesn’t hit them. Doesn’t say cruel things to them. Doesn’t manipulate them. It’s not that deep. Inside, i believe she loves them more than anything. Her anger is only surface deep. But as I sit in the other room some nights, hearing her yell at the kids while putting them to sleep, my heart starts pounding in a full adrenal response to terror. How the hell is that not impacting the little guys who are an 8th my size and 5 feet from it?
Last weekend was a rough one. Carrie and I fought. Even worse, it seems that we just weren’t getting along, like we didn’t even like each other. I wondered if we ever had. The kids were a lot of work. Still are. There has been decreasingly less and less time for just her and I to enjoy each other. We have become more of a working relationship and less of a loving one. Our conversations are merely fnctional – who is picking up the kids, what groceries do we need, meal planning, life planning, my travel, her school. Life is full and full-on. Add to that that Carrie was PMSing. I was coming off nicotine.
Side bar: I smoke when I am travelling for work. It’s not a sometimes. it’s an always. The minute I get in the cab on the way to the airport, it’s the first thing I think about. I leave a pack of smokes hidden at the airport – behind the phonebook, under the payphone in the domestic terminal by the shuttle pickup area. Why? Because no one uses payphones anymore, much less phone books.
So This weekend we planned a few things to give us some time. We had a date night last night – much needed. And you know what? I think it helped us. We acutally remembered what each other are like when we’re not just merely putting out fires. I really do love her. But last weekend I was contemplating what the point of this was anymore.
She thinks…
I think…