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not talking to you is so painful. it’s more painful than coming off this shit and more painful than anything i’ve ever experienced. i can’t stop thinking about you, when i wake up, when i go to sleep and all through the day you’re always on my mind. i love you, briony. I know we are going to get healthy. i know i will see you again. i know we have a future together. fuck, i love you.

Okay…. so, about a month has passed and i haven’t put anything new up since i bought this cursed really really amazingly good game. Oh well. If we ever start fighting each other with cavalry and spears again, i’d command the finest phalanx in Vancouver…. yay me. w00t

the real reason i’m back on is that everyone has been hastling me to post more on this blog. i don;t know why… i don;t really think any body reads it. not like i ever write anything important here.

things in my bag:
carton of cigarettes
orange juice
cold pack
a cloth bag my mom sewed me in two minutes before i left to put the coldpack in.
my sunglasses (cause it was then nighttime)

I am sick. getting over the flu.slept for four days

i conned Briony in to sleeping over last night. forgot i had left her in my bed. she was still there when i went to bed 4 hours later. pleasant for me.

i hate how old people always emphasize technological words that have become commonplace words in the past twenty years…. like how they put emphasis on “Internet” in a phrase or say that iPhoto is really slick… cause i hate iPhoto…. i think it’s a shitty piece of software. it’s contributed to losing or deleting my old library of 4000+ photos. if you can feel my frustration, check out iView Media Pro. I’m sure you can download it at “the store”…. *wink.wink*…. “the store”…..

Oh. I moved. I moved in a couple weeks ago. I now live in the land of the crackhead. Wonderful backyard. Put together a drum n bass afterparty last friday for the DJ Lush show at the Met. We had about 200 people in our place i think. Still didn’t make rent. arghh. fuckit. Just wanna steal Briony and run away to Maui. bye.

I’m dangerously addicted to this game, Rome: Total War.

I bought it on Friday and have not been able to resist playing since.

throwing a party at my new space at the end of the month to make rent for January. Excited to move in and have 6000 sq. ft. to play in. However, it will be much more habitable when we get the heat and hot water issues worked out.

Listening to: Arcade Fire, Franz Ferdinand, the Nirvana boxset, tool (as always)

mood: why the fuck would i want to keep track of how i feel when i’m writing my blog. tracking moods seem as pointless as writing down what the weather was today. sunny, i think, like my mood – neither of which i really take any serious note of. both just affect me as they are present, then float away, melding in to the next mood like colours in a Bob Ross skyscape

my flatmate got a new G4. it’s a fast, beautiful machine.

Worked for Attila this morning. helped him move a desk and unpack some amazing antiquities from storage.

Attila took me out to a movie tonight. “Salo”. I highly recommend it to anyone who’s read any Nietzsche, taken any interest in fascism, likes to fuck, bondage or sodomy. That’s all i’m going to say about it.

Christmas is soon. bah humbug. I have bought no presents for anybbody. have four days. think i want to make everyone presents. there’s 11 people on my list…. so…. better get cracking. that’s as much art as the average gallery show. ack. fuck. shit. cunt. whore.

Watching a series on quantum mechanics. taking an interest in it. particularly in the narrowing divide between string theory and philosphy. The inattention to the relation between philosophy and science.

Changing the locks on my doors. We think someone has our key.

whoa. Briony left Turning Point. Packed up all her shit in to her car. Went to her parent’s house. When they tried to stop her she took her stuff and checked in to a hotel. She picked me up around 10pm. “I’m moving tomorrow!” she told me excitedly. Apparently, she can’t take it in this city. She’s blaming her problems on a location. and so, today she’s on the road to Kelowna. She’s high out of her fucking tree. This decision is not one well thought out.

I’m frustrated.

At a point of almost not caring.

Abandoned.

I don’t fucking care.

I don’t fuckin care.

I wanted to just have a nice vacation with you.

I wanted to go to Mexico and lie on a hot beach, naked with you.

I wanted to have a nice holiday, snowboarding at Big White with you.

You said you couldn’t handle Vancouver.

You said you couldn’t stay clean here.

I wanted you to love yourself.

All i can do is love you.

and that’s ALL i can do.

okay, so i slack of a little on my blog and all of a sudden it’s Decemeber. What the fuck? I’ve been crazy busy with school and life shit.

Detoxing is over, thank god. Well, atleast detoxing from the immediate physical withdrawl and shit. I still have another 2 years or so until my brain completely heals from the chemical damage and acute withdrawl supposedly ends.

I’m just glad to be not on drugs right now. or today, or for the past 18 days.

This addiction thing is nuts. I mean, i used to not really understand it at all. Now that i feel like i do understand it, i find it doesn’t really do me any good. Self-knowledge bennefits be none when it comes to this disease.

anyway.

Homework sucks. scraped through this last term. probably due in part to the first two months of it spent smoking meth.

for all you who read this. heads up: it’s my birthday on Dec, 19th…. next sunday. i want to go on a downtown rooftop parkinglot and hit golfballs in to the darkness.

if you come looking for me:

(if you ever cared)

i always wanted you to care

to really, sincerely care.

I always thought i cared about you

and I really do want to.

It’s hard when there’s a third member in the mix.

sorry i dissappeared.

I may return again.

likely come out of the woodwork.

but i haven’t decided when that will be.

I’m trying to not fail school.

I’m trying to fulfill my dreams

and discover if i can truly

be content and happy.

I just wish you the same.

and don’t take this as goodbye.

i (don’t) know where that always leads me.

tomorrow will be a better day than today

tomorrow i have a new chance to work on

becoming the person i want to be

tomorrow i can love you

tomorrow i can love myself

tomorrow i’ll feel different

all deep and meaningful relationships with women in my life have disappeared.

I have only 2 or 3 true friends that are not harmful to me

the only gratification i get is from drugs and orgasms

just keep your mind to yourself

it scares me

*when it’s not on its leash