Why do I keep getting close to people? They always fucking hurt me. I get to know someone and fall in love with them. I don’ t just mean girlfriends. I mean, friends. I guess I put too much faith in people. Not enough reliance on god and too much on people. People are as unreliable as the weather. There’s a few people in my life right now who seem to be incredibly selfish. I am as well. I am extremely selfish. So let’s write about my selfishness hopefully in an attempt to understand their selfishness.
I am selfish and self centered. I take advantage of people to make myself feel better. I love talking about my shit to people. When I was younger I had no friends, spent a lot of time alone and so never had to talk about my self. Now that I have friends in my life, I realize I do enjoy the attention being on me, my issues, my troubles, my goals, my joys, my thoughts, my sexlife, what’s going on for me, my sobriety, my hurt and my pain. If our friendship was perfect in my eyes, I would talk about me and the other person would be profoundly interested in listening. And then they would talk and I would be profoundly interested in them. But multiple people have told me that I take attention given but never give them the time of day. Self-centered. I want the attention. I figure my friends are my friends because I care about them and they care about me. I feel like I am there for my friends and that I make the effort to see them. But perhaps I am only their friends when it serves my purpose. Perhaps I only make the effort to see them when I need them. Like any self-centered person, i find this very hard to admit, and even harder to accept.
I’m particularly peaveed on this subject. One of my so-called best friends, and the guy who I’ve lived with for the past year took the liberty of telling me I’m selfish and fucked up and that it’s killing me. My first thought? How dare you! You’re the selfish one! And I whole-heartedly believed it at the time.
Today I wanted to see my other friend, JR. I guess I thought we had plans to see each other. Apparently this intricate plan was all in my head. I feel like such a bitch. I feel like a needy bitch. I’ve been trying to not squash my feelings. When I feel hurt or whatever to just vocalize it and not let my head run with it. Jr’s a free spirit and likes to be alone. I want to be around her a lot. I like her, she makes me feel good about myself, but in so doing I give her the power to make me feel like total shit as well. I tend to do that a lot, give that power to people. As a result I am fucked up. I feel very fucked up. I feel ashamed and embarassed. Like if my friends new about this they would not want to be my friends. This is because I do not like it about myself. I would not want to be friends with someone who felt like this.
So, what i’m left to work on is getting out of myself. to rid myself of this selfish thinking. But I think everything is about me. It’s so much easier to look at how selfish they are, but it is my selfishness that will kill me, not theirs. I just want to crawl in a hole, i don’t want to expose others to my selfishness. I am ashamed. I am so ashamed.
I often look at people in a well lit environment, or standing infront of a tree with the colours and composition and wish I could freeze that moment in time. It sounds cliche. I wish my eyes were cameras and my body was a facade to contain the cameras so that without influencing the moment I could just savour that image. If i were to actually pull out a camera, people cover their faces, they move they run away or they pose all resulting in an influenced moment. But to capture that pure moment is what I would love. To just be a hollow, to not be in the situation at all but to just be a camera that people looked at.
Fucking get over yourself, nick.
When is brutal honesty just brutal? fuck all this, i’m going to bed. and this, gentlemen and ladies, is nick giving in to the plague of depression once again reclaiming nick’s perception.