Also, I went to bed at a responsible time last night! I was in bed by 10:45pm. I don’t think this had happened in wuite a while. I’m really glad I did this morning cause I’m really well rested.
I need to remember to finish my submission for the El Kartel show today. The show is on Saturday.
I haven’t had sex in what seems like two months.
It’s 7am and there’s an alarm clock somewhere else in the building that’s been going off for 20 minutes. during the week, when I am working this is when I get up, 6:45am. At work my 8. Done by 4pm. It’s a good way to spend half my waking day.
When I woke this morning I looked at the clock and read 6:30. It took me a while to remember what reality I was waking up in. I’m a really active lucid dreamer so adjusting to the real reality takes a bit. I got out of bed and on my feet and looked out my window at the morning mountains. The sun cut through a fog that was pushing in from the east and everything seemed to just be waking up. I then realized it was the morning and probably 6:30am in the morning, oh yeah and that I am working today cause yesterday was Sunday. I felt grateful that I had not slept through work and had to deal with the guilt of being irresponsible. At this point I really didn’t feel like going to work, I really didn’t feel like dealing with the day. I just wanted to throw in the towel. I find I am like this almost every morning when I wake up. I just don’t want to fucking bother. But here’ s the interesting part. As soon as I realize I am awake, I drop to my knees, literaly, and pray for the strength and willingness to be an active participant in my own life today. This morning I prayed to the sky cause it was a really beautiful post-sunrise. The sky is a hell of a lot bigger than me and it’s always there. But after I did this I immediately felt my fear of living lifted. I immediately felt determined to go to work and do my absolute best for my employer. I immediately felt awarded all the strength I needed to not just fuck it and go back to bed but to go and make a pot of coffee and get ready to start my day. Without this power to will myself to do good and useful things for myself I am positive I would not be able to do a quarter of the things I do on a daily basis.
Ow. I was looking forward to this breakfast but I think it was an error. Granola, blueberries and yogurt. Ow. It’s like eating glass cobbler. The roof of my mouth is shredded and raw, but mouth injuries heal fast.
It frustrates me to see your name on MSN. I can’t say hello. I can’t communicate with you. I’ve been excommunicated. That sucks. I can’t ask you why you’re online, cause you haven’t been online for months. Since you went to San Francisco. I have to respect your choice to have me not talk to you. I just think it’s not really anyway to solve any issue or problem… silence and avoidance…. out of sight isn’t out of mind. I know you will read my blog, i know you will get this message. I guess when you read this I just want to ask you why you’re willing to read my blog still but can’t deal with talking to me like a human. I understand if you need space. I’d like to understand.
I’m frustrated looking at your name on MSN. I want to talk to you. I want to hang out with you. But all I can hear in reply to my thoughts is “I don’t want messages from you, in fact fuck right off out of my life.” I made that last part up I know. If you want me to feel rejected, you’ve had your success, hope it felt as good for you as it did for me. I know you’ll read my blog still, I know you can’t stay that detached. Actually who knows, maybe you’re not reading this and maybe I’m talking to myself. It just really sucks looking at your name on MSN and not being able to ask you why you’re even online. You’re never online, except for when you were in San Francisco. You’re gonna win this one. You’re more stubborn than me. You’ve already won. Whatever. What a stupid fucking way to cope.
i totally have to bite my tongue around you. I am always about to say something really sexual or even just slightly beyond that friendship boundary we got going on. then I have to hold back and remember that we are friends that are not gonna fuck. then I consider saying it anyway, because we are not gonna fuck anyway so it shouldn’t make a difference. but then i don’t and just think that you can hear me and that you agree wholeheartedly. I like that option much better anyhow. I’m never let down.
This is one of my closest friends, Anna. I love her and am grateful to have her in my life. We look hot with our matching sunglasses and smiles. This is also the second time I have ever posted a picture of myself to this blog.
I got internet in my apartment today. No more squatting in the first floor corridor sapping wireless from the occupants. I was kind of let down. I somehow build expectations without even trying to and I was a little pissed when I didn’t have 20 new emails or 15 people throwing shoutouts to me on MSN Messenger as soon as I logged on. ‘Did you hear? Nick’s online again! He got his internet hooked up!’ I can see it, people running from house to house up the block and children running to bring me gifts. These thoughts actually go through my head. To admit that is frightening. To experience it is ordinary.
I’m feasting on a big-ass bowl of strawberry-vanilla yogurt. Fuck, i love yogurt. Just remembered I have Harvest Crunch granola and in the fucking bowl it’s going. Having ready access to food made possible by a fridge and stove is a perk I never thought of when I thought of moving in to a one-bedroom apartment.
I looked at you and wondered what you were thinking about, if it was me. Then i smacked my brain upside the left hemisphere for even thinking that. I guess after your disproved enough times you should just stop assuming. Stop wondering. Stop asking.
And then there’s you. Has your boyfriend bored you yet? You called me, while you were cleaning your brother’s house just to see how I was doing. I don’t know. When you want to sleep over again let me know. I loved it. I loved being close to you and I don’t even need to know why. Maybe it was cause I proposed to you over MSN last year. Maybe it’s cause we got all that ego-clashing bullshit over and done with when we were together. Speaking of ego-clashing bullshit…
What the fuck was that? Oh yeah, shit you might be reading this. Well, I guess that was to be fully expected. I guess I just didn’t expect such a blunt reply. I forgot how much pain you must have gone through and how you still must hurt inside. I never meant to cause you hurt. I know that we will one day get along again. I know you and I have potential. We mix well. Not many people I would bother lying awake till 4am just talking with. Like, no one. So if you think that I walked all over you and curb stomped you when I was finished then think again. If you think you mean nothing to me, then think again. You mean a lot to me. I guess just a lot more to me than I was willing to let happen then. Eventually, over a long enough time span everything works out. I hope this section devoted to your unfriendly reply to my Friendster message doesn’t have the reverse effect it was intended to and motivate you to recede more. Cause I miss you. And that statement was not meant to be manipulative. Just the truth.
Working on a bunch of street stencils. Only put up a couple stencils in the last few months. It’s pathetic and I am rectifying.
Got the call. I’m working tomorrow. Fucking rights. I’ve been waiting for 10 fucking days to work. I get fucked in the head when I stew for that long. I need to get out of my fucking head for atleast 5 hours a day, like totally out and not thinking in here but living out there or else my self-analysis drives me nuts. Makes me wanna die. So thank god I’m building a house tommorow, and that I get to make a fuck load of money as well while I do it, oh and get ripped and tanned as well, as long as it doesn’t rain.
K, think i’m gonna barf fucking yogurt and granola now.
I have a plateau of inspiration and productivity. It occurs everyday between about 9pm and 1 or 2am or whenever I grow tired and fall asleep. Try as I might to induce this occurrence at other times in the day it never seems to happen until the evening. During this period my intuition becomes heightened. I feel more creative. I have a boundless artistic and creative energy. I want to listen to music, write, make music, play guitar and drums, engage in deep and meaningful conversation.
I will restructure my day and try it for a week
9 Wake, pray, meditate
9:45 Eat breakfast
10-12 Chores, Groceries, or coffee, Check email
12-1 Lunch
1-2 Read
2-3 Write
4-6 Ride bike
6 Dinner
7,8 Meeting, if no meeting then more reading
9-1 create
2 Evening reflection, meditation, sleeptime
the creatiion portion of my day will include one of the following activities:
• Writing
• Drawing
• Painting
• Writing songs
• Taking photos
• Shooting video
This evening, I am heading out to the truck crossing to shoot video of trucks passing for an element in the Mirror project.
We’ve known each other for almost 9 years and that was the first time we had actually slept in the same bed together.
I get a text message from you 2 minutes after you drop me off at home:
Wanted to come in… But didn’t want to give you the wrong idea.
I reply:
You are more than welcome to come in. I’m just in bed. Call me if u want in.
I’m looking at you sitting on my bed from under my covers. Then you state your position.
“This is the last time I’ll be able to sleep over this trip,” you tell me. “Tomorrow I have to pick someone up from the airport.”
I picked up that you were referring to your boyfriend. Funny how you only have mention him when necessity arises.
“The wrong idea would be that I want you to cross any boundaries we’ve set up,” you said.
I told you the decision to sleep over was ultimately up to you, what you felt comfortable doing. I’m fully prepared to respect your decision to not sleep over. But also, if you would like to sleep over you are are more than welcome and I would be happy to sleep with you.
I gave you a pair of my boxers and a t-shirt for pajamas. You took off all your clothes right in front of me and didn’t show any shame.
Adam and Eve weren’t ashamed to see each other naked.
You are so small in my arms. Our feelings for one another are reciprocal. I feel not so alone in your presence. I wrap my arms tightly around you, keeping you, protecting you, taking you in. You put your hand on mine.
We’ve known each other for almost 9 years and that was the first time we had actually slept in the same bed together.