Blog

Just Kidding

Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe she doesn’t actually like me. Is she just pretending to be into me for career advancement?

On the one hand I wish that we hadn’t ever crossed the line. On the other hand, I wish that since we crossed it we had gone even further past it. That I had railed her bones.

She asked me on the plane ride from HNL to SFO, “Since we’ve crossed the line, should we just continue to cross it?” I thought about fucking her in the airplane bathroom. I almost said it out loud. But we were both trying to be good. As good as we could be. Holding each other’s hands and touching each other’s legs was collectively the most we could cross the line. It was also the least we both wanted. Pulled in one direction by the carnal desire to tear each other’s clothes off and pulled in the other direction by the logical knowledge that we had already gone too far.

“I think we gotta shut it down.” I said. I already knew it could never work.

She said a few times and few different ways, “you have more to lose than I do.”

“You have a 15 year marriage and three kids. I just have an unhappy relationship with my boyfriend.”

I told her, “just because I’ve been married for 15 years doesn’t mean we don’t have problems.”

Monday, Sep 16

I arrived in HNL around 9pm. Checked into the Courtyard. Met up with T in the lobby. I was already into an IPA. T and I walked over to meet L for drinks at Green Lady. We caught up on how work had been, what L got up to on the island over the weekend while her bf came to visit her. After drinks, L checked out of her hotel and came to the Courtyard and slept over at Trianne’s

Tuesday, Sep 17

Hosted meetings all morning from 6:00 AM, Tough because I was up late the night before.

Took the cross-departmental meeting for Waikiki from the Waikiki store at 10AM

T L and I had our “very important meeting” at tequila shots at Aloha Amigo at 9pm. We picked up some Asahi and vodka drinks I think.

T and L and I drank a lot and T passed out on L’s lanai. T and I took L down to bed.

After T was in bed, L and I went back to her room. I felt a pang of, “you shouldn’t” but I did. I suggested we take edibles at L was in so I went and grabbed them. 

We took them at midnight and tripped so hard. After staring into the world for an hour that felt like 4, I managed to summon the words, 

“Do you want to get into your bed?” 

And L said “For what?” 

“I dunno, watch TV, I said” 

I wanted to stay over. 

L said “I worry about how that would look. I think we should call it” 

I left but felt disappointed and embarrassed that I had overstepped. 

Wednesday

Woke up feeling like garbage. Not hungover, just embarrassed for how I crossed a line and put myself out there and was put in my place.

We did the pre-walk through with ops. Working was fun. I told her I felt embarrassed with how I acted last night. She told me not to worry about it.

In the afternoon, around 4 or 5 I went to the beach. Texted L and T to come meet me and shared my location. They showed up at some point. The three of us must have drank a bunch. Not sure where we ate. We didn’t see T that night.

L and I must have made it back to the restaurant and we tried to work through some deficiencies. Around midnight we were done.

After, we decided to go swimming in the ocean. It was a truly peak life experience. We brought a couple drinks. It was too late top buy booze from the ABC. We thought about whether to go back to the hotel to get in our swimsuits or just go straight to the beach. She decided we should just go straight to the beach since I had a towel I had left in the office. We walked to surfboard alley and down the beach past a couple homeless dudes to the Royal Hawaiian beach. I quickly ripped off all my clothes and ran to the ocean. Wasn’t sure if she would follow my lead. In the water, it was so dark I couldn’t make out whether she was naked or not. The ocean was so black and warm. Like swimming in a comforting space – the sky and water becoming one. It was so relieving in the water after a long hot day.

“You should go in first” and then I’ll follow you” she said. So I did.

I was nearly dried off, putting my shorts on when she approached. I made out her trimmed bush in the dim light but not much else. It wasn’t until this point I realized she too was naked. 

I can’t remember how we got back to the hotel. We were in my room drinking on my Lanai. At 3 or 4 am we decided we should go to bed. Before she left she asked if we could hug. I was overcome with joy that she wanted to. That she wanted closeness with me. 

“I’m so glad you asked.” I said. It was such a nice hug. 

She didn’t let go. Her body felt so good. It was the first time I had ever touched her. She was small, and so strong. Her lower back was right and muscular. Her waist was thin and so hot. I cradled the back of her head, my fingers in her hair. We said good night and she went to her room. I can’t remember how I felt.

This was supposed to be L’s last night in HNL.

Thursday

In the morning, L had check out at 11. I offered she could leave her bag in my room and shower later before the flight. I met her back there to do the drop.

We did the walk throughs and L and I did deficiencies. 

We left work at 3pm Tara, Tri, L and I. We went to the hotel and L came up to get her bag from my room to put in Tri’s “for optics” she said. 

I drank an IPA in a few minutes while getting my swimsuit on and put a few more in my bag. We all walked together to the beach and setup our towels. Tara, L, me, Tri. We each had a couple drinks and debriefed on how the turnover has been going the last couple days a ways to improve the process. At 5, we all went in the water and played in the waves. At 5:30 we headed back and I made a dinner rezo at Zigu for 6:30. We stopped at Aloha Amigo at 6:50 to get tequila shots at 7. Turns out they only do $3 shots at 9 and 11. So we ordered shots anyway which were actually doubles. We lost track of time and suddenly it was 6:30. I messaged our group that we were having tequila trouble and would meet at the restaurant at 6:45. We quickly got changed and headed to Zigu.

At Zigu L and I each had an IPA. And then the table ordered a bottle of sake. She wrote “we need to hug” on her phone and showed it to me. I said “yes we do”. 

By 8:00 when it was time for L and Gus to leave, I was already missing her. We ordered double margaritas. Tri and I made jokes about calling a bomb threat to stop her plane from leaving. 

Gus called an uber for them and they left at 8:30. I didn’t get a hug. 

As soon as she left I missed her so much. I texted her “L!!!” We left the restaurant at 8:45 and Tri, Tara and I headed to the store, me to work on some deficiencies and Tri to make sure the keys were in the lock box. Braden and Tyler were there drinking beers. I was pretty drunk. I tried installing a door stop on the women’s washroom partition door. The first hinge stop broke. Then the wall stop broke. 

At 9 she texted me “oh no” but I didn’t know why. 

A few minutes later she called maybe around 9:20. I was lying on the floor of the women’s washroom. 

I picked up and said “I’m so glad it’s you”. 

She said “I think I missed my flight.” She didn’t know why. She said they wouldn’t let her through security. Maybe it was because she was too late. Maybe she couldn’t find her passport. Maybe she was too drunk. 

I told her to call an Uber and come back. She sounded unsure. I asked her if she wanted me to call her one. She said no, she could figure it out. I said okay, call me when you’re close and I’ll meet you at the courtyard and I’ll help you figure out what to do.

Trianne and Tara were texting me to find out where I was. “I’m in the women’s restroom at Earls” I told them. I guess they had already headed home. 

L called me from her Uber. She was so embarrassed that she missed her flight. I was sad for her that she felt so bad. But I was also so happy that she wasn’t leaving. I wanted to help her and I wanted to see her. I told her to send me her location so I could know when to meet her at the hotel.

I told her she could stay with Trianne.

“Can I stay with you?” She asked me

“Let’s talk when you get here” I said.

“That sounds serious.”

Of course you can stay with me but let’s talk it out. I think I said.

Trying to “do the right thing”. called Trianne that L missed her flight and could she stay with her. I met up with L at the Courtyard lobby. We hugged and then sat for a moment. She couldn’t tell me why they wouldn’t let her through security. But that she was so embarrassed. We made a plan – I would help her book a new flight. She came up to my room. While I was booking the flight on my laptop at the desk, she would come up and put her arms around me, her head next to mine. It felt so nice. It was hard to book a flight as drunk as I was. Eventually it got done. She would be on the same flight as me the next day.

Then I got in my pyjamas and brushed my teeth. When I came back I told her she could sleep in the second bed. “I am going to sleep in your bed.” She said, and climbed into my bed. She was wearing jogging pants and a tank top. I said, “Do you want to get in your pajamas.” 

“Okay.” She said and took off her pants. We cuddled, I spooned her. Then we made out. I kissed her little mouth. She gave me tongue. I liked it. I was hard as hell. She pushed me over and staddled me, grinding on me. 

She climbed off me, “woah, woah, woah. What are we doing?”

“Look, we just can’t fuck.” I said.

“Is that the line?” She said.

“Yes.”

Back to making out. I ground my hard cock into her thrusting crotch.

I pulled up her shirt and sucked on her left nipple. It was small and got hard. It was so hot. She was so hot.

We were both very drunk, and we soon fell asleep, holding each other.

I woke up at 2am. I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about the store and the deficiencies I meant to do that night before leaving. I quietly got up and got dressed and went to the store. I worked until 4:30, knocked off some caulking, installed a door catch for the beverage station door, and repaired the wheels on the host stand. I headed back to the hotel at 4:30. L was still asleep but woke up when I came in. I was dirty and soaked I sweat. I jumped in the shower. We packed and called an uber at 5. We arrived at the hotel at 5:30 and checked my bag.

This time we made it through security. This was still one of the hardest times going through an airport in my long travel career. Alcohol and little sleep over four nights.

In the lobby, we cuddled and held hands. It felt like I had a partner. And ally. L and I against the world. We were able to switch our seats to be next to each other. The whole flight we cuddled and tried to sleep. We talked a lot about damage control and fantasized about what it would be like to be together but then snapped to reality and talked about how it could never work. We aligned that we would keep it absolutely secret. No one at work could know. Our significant others couldn’t know. We deleted every suggestive text and message and photo from our phones. Once we landed in vancouver, we would be back to coworkers and this would stop.

I’ve played out the tape and it makes no sense for either of us. For her – she wants kids and a family. I can’t give that to her. I want her to have everything she wants and to be happy. so for us to be together would deprive her of her happiness. So we can’t be together.

I feel so out of place now in my house. With this wife I have been with for 18 years but feel less for than someone I met four months ago. Carrie feels like a roommate. Looking back in these blog posts, she has for 10 years or more.

Is it just lust?

How do I deal with this most powerful feeling

I’m obsessed

Strange and curious draw to someone

5′-2″

Her athletic body so strong

I want to touch her all the time

I want to kiss it her belly button

Her brown eyes and her smile

the gaps in her teeth, and how happy and pure her face is

She is a ball of bright white light

I love that she is dangerous – will follow me to the edge

She is always down for a good time

She’s never a buzzkill

She’s so organized and responsible

She never yells or crashes out or is mean to me (yet)

She is so smart and curious

She is gentle and kind

I would eat her ass

I like watching her ass when she is infront of me

I like the feeling when she refers to me as an authority figure. She likes it too.

I like taking care of her.

She told me this morning she had to “clear something with me”

She was mad that I didn’t call the kids at all this week while travelling.

She was mad that when I got home Friday evening I was on a call with Braden for 20 minutes after getting home while Nova wanted my attention. I should have been off work when I got home.

She was mad that I announced that I would have to work seven days a week for the next two weeks leading up to our stores grand opening.

She was mad that I had to take aeeting on Saturday at 11 when I had said I was going to take Henrik to baseball.

She was mad that my meeting pushed to 12 and then I didn’t show up until 1:30 when the game was almost over.

I think that’s about it. I’ll give it to her – this time she didn’t come out sideways at me. She was methodical and calm in expressing her anger.

I said, I’m sorry that you are upset. You’re right, I could have prioritized this all better. You’re right.

I didnt want to argue. I didn’t want to get defensive and spiral into a fight. I’m done fighting.

Even though I worked 16 hour days this week and slept probably 4 hours a night Monday to Friday.

Even though we are in the final three weeks of a project three years in the making, that my entire job performance is riding on, that is the biggest capital spend Earls has ever spent at 16 million.

Even though jet lag and finding time to eat this week was a challenge.

Even though I made it up to Henrik and hung out with all morning today.

It was because my parents had raised me in their image. I was taught what the meaning of the world was not in a way that I could find it and understand it, but what their version of the world was. Their value system that I should just listen to it and follow it because it was their value system not ever being taught how to actually rationally figure out what my own values are, but my own understanding of what is right and wrong is my own morality. My own ambitions And then, when I hit an age where I was betrayed by them, it shattered my trust in them, as well as the models that they race me under. My whole world fell apart.

Just collapse with everything I understood the reasons behind everything led to me seeking escape for the overwhelming avalanche. A psychic break. I tried to patch with drugs and alcohol. On the first time I experienced getting high, getting drunk became escape from having to face my own sense of having no model . The overwhelming anxiety is that that caused. Next 456 years I chased that feeling. I pursued it. I wanted to stay in that state of feeling this attached. But there were consequences to staying detached. Consequences both in terms of my life, opportunities, and ambitions, but also consequences in terms of internally, one consequence being now seeking ever more effective or interesting ways to detach into escape reality. Eventually, the external consequences feel further need for the internal consequences, vice versa and a spiral. Eventually, I hit my own gate my own threshold for what kind of collapse and pain I’d be willing to endure. I also noticed that logically this path wasn’t going anywhere and I had enough. I guess that’s a self-love or passion or the need to stay alive to give me just enough reason to want to stop before completely annihilating myself. I truly believe that the people that you see killing themselves over drugs on purpose or having no ability to stay sober are the results of Losing that last bit or never having the ability to have that last bit of self flow of self-awareness of willingness to want to stay sober. The last bastion of one zone consciousness with that last part of me that was gasping for air finally was at its last step. A complete psychic breakdown had occurred, and suddenly that core was able to break through all of that impending drive towards self-destruction dust began a bounce back that wasn’t consistent but was persistent long enough for me to build back support in place through AA through being humble over run over again so I could build back those layers of protection around that core. Now being able to rebuild these layers of values of personality of self reflection, like layers of an onion around that core this time was able to build exactly how made sense to me. Not my parents, not anybody else. But people are not able to get sober sometimes it’s because they allowed other people‘s versions or morals or outs to craft their own onion skin layers. They weren’t authentic to them and they wouldn’t last when tested.

I have gained insight into how our personality and consciousness are formed and influenced by experiences. The brain, while composed of soft matter, consists of a complex matrix of synapses, akin to switches that can be activated or deactivated. There are billions and trillions of these connections, and similar to heating a bucket of steel bearings by warming just one, the activation of one switch influences others in close proximity. When new stimuli are introduced into this network, they cause changes accordingly. Each stimulus impacts more than one connection; thus, every time we see, hear, or smell something, an electric charge—albeit minuscule—is introduced into this neural structure, which alters the associated pathways. These pathways retain the activation until something else intervenes to deactivate them. This process occurs with trillions of neural connections responding to an immense array of experiences and sensory inputs each day, shaping the intricate composition of our lived experiences.

It’s an organic electrical chemical soup that has the ability to be changed electrically and chemically from the electricity and chemicals that our body creates a signal pathways to our nervous system or through our hormonal system, respectively. It is like this, how trauma can be imprinted in our brain, sometimes they stimulus is so impactful that it will affect a lot of switches or maybe more impactful switches That have a longer memory just to say they’re more difficult to switch off once you switch them on maybe it takes more of a charge electrically speaking to turn that one off that a typical switch whereas some switches like a piece of road that looks like every other piece of road Will be sensed, but not necessarily imprinted very deeply, which is why you can remember things that are very impactful another Monday and things are easily forgotten. Different people‘s brains have different abilities to hold onto to memories like this or more resistance to the switch switching but it to say this certain switches take more charge or more chemical to change them back with the switch. Everyone has a different tolerance for this. Some people switches are very sticky or not. This is genetic. This is what’s actually passed down through your jeans and as evolution have it we’ve been trained over time to hold onto switches that are very impactful. Maybe we saw our mother get ripped apart by a lion 10,000 years ago And we never want that to happen again so our brain increase a very deep impact in our brain, so when we go on and have children that charge that switch is passed on to our offspring, passing down these messages of self preservation tour offspring over millions of generations that is what evolutionist overtime we adapt to avoid the things that killed our ancestors.

I’m tired of my wife’s bullshit. I’ve been thinking a lot about divorce lately. Fantasizing about what it would look like, feel like. I think we’ve been sticking together for the kids for years. I ignored warning signs early on in our relationship and have suppressed my feelings for 17 years in this relationship. I feel most alive whenever I am not around her. My kids are better when she isn’t around. I feel stressed when she is around. Even when she’s not, I am just calculating for when and how I will next “be in trouble” when I do something she seems as unsatisfactory. She’s very critical of how I act. “why did you say it that way to that person” “why didn’t you tell the waitress you work for the restaurant? Now you’ve made it awkward” “I don’t feel comfortable drinking because you were never supportive of when I started drinking – you used to give me no pity any of the times I came home drunk and felt sad and emotional or when I was drunk and puking or when I was so hungover you wouldn’t give me any slack – you would make me still get up with the kids.” All of that is horseshit. I was always supportive of her exploring her drinking and would cover taking care of the kids as much as I could when she was out and when she was drunk and when she was sick and couldn’t be there for the kids. I was there. But she doesn’t see it from my perspective. Years later she just feels resentful at me for not taking care of her. Two week ago, on our last date, the topic that she brought for discussion – of all the wonderful things in our life she could bring for discussion – she brought the fact that I don’t like to go to bbq’s for drinks with our kids friends parents. That I’m such a prude because I don’t drink and that I’m boring. She called me rude because I would rather fly my drone at the park with our son than sit in lawn chairs drinking beers with our 6 year old’s friend’s parents and talk about mind numbing shit that I don’t care about. I don’t want to make friends, but she does and felt that me not drinking and not willing to talk hockey with the other dads blocks her from that experience. They was what she brought last time. I’m too antisocial, I don’t like chit chat or making new friends or sitting around talking about nonsense. That I don’t give her what she needs. This time it’s that I was cruel and unkind to her when she’s been wasted in the past so now it’s my fault she can’t enjoy drinking.

I’m just so exhausted by this relationship. I feel better alone. I feel better with so many other people.

Then she will have good days and be so supportive of me. Tell me how proud she is of me. I’ll watch her love our kids and it feels good. I’ll admire how good she is at taking care of people and I love how much purpose she feels in her job. I feel satisfied that I helped her develop into that person. I love that she supported me in accomplishing my career goals. I like when we talk about projects we want to do together – like building a new house – but I know we don’t actually work well together. We always just fight. Or if we aren’t fighting, it’s a struggle.

I can’t remember the last time we actually enjoyed each others company. We hang out because we have to. Because we have these three people that we made who we have to raise together. It’s best when she is not around. I hate how she gets mad at the kids when she’s frustrated. I hate how she gets overstimulated and puts in her earbuds and listens to a podcast and ignores the kids and me when we are trying to talk to her. I hate how 6/7 days she leaves a mess on the bathroom counter. How every fucking day I put her brown sugar away after she takes it out of the cupboard for her coffee. How she never ever empties the lint from the lint trap in the dryer. How she gets so many parking tickets on her car. 

She has said that I should find that cute and I should take joy in the opportunity to take care of someone I love. I don’t ever feel that way. I feel disrespected and resentful. 

Most of all I resent how she is always defensive and can turn cold so fast. Today she hugged me and I said “are you okay? I’ve been feeling that you’re a bit angry and snappy lately” she pushed me away and instantly turned to ice. She defensively told me that “Also, I have been nothing but kind supportive not bitchy at all for the last week and a half. I don’t know when I’ve been snappy and grumpy other than this morning right now. I am obviously at my end with being at home with the kids and working and handling everything so maybe just a little bit of respect and support”

So whenever I don’t like her hair trigger temper how she yells at me or the kids, or whenever I ask her if she could please cleanup after herself, it’s immediately thrown back on my that I do the same thing or don’t support her or always think my way is the best way.

I’m exhausted by all of it. I’ve written these accounts so many times over the years. Journaling my feelings about it. Obviously each time I have managed to reconcile the feelings I have and open my heart to her again and again. Because there is a connection between our hearts that has always been there regardless of all this bullshit.

But the fact is that we don’t like to do

The same things. The only things we have in common are our kids and most of our values. We both feel that the other doesn’t support them in the way they need or is the person they want. So what do we do?

XEI

XGRO

VRE

VXF

1991 Lego

1999 Guitars

2001 Making electronic music

2003 Street art

2019 Electronic drums 

2017 Vaping

2020 Cosplay

2020 crypto mining

2020 gaming/twitch

2021 Woodworking

2021snowboarding family gear

2023 snowboard waxing setup

2021 handguns

2022 Rock climbing

2022 Mountaineering

2012 welding

2023 streaming hardware for Henrik 

2023 Lock picking

2024 Drones