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Things are good. When I think about it, I couldn’t ask for more out of life right now. Quitting smoking was so empowering for me, it really made it clear to me that I can make profound changes in my life and that I can choose to live the life I want.

I really don’t have much to say today.

Last night I told Lorea that I can’t do this “casual dating” thing anymore – that it just really wasn’t working for me. I thought that’s what i wanted. I thought being able to sleep with whoever I want whenever I want was freedom, but it turned out that what makes me feel free is knowing that I am just with one person, that just one person wants to be with me. That I can make the decision to choose just one girl to sleep with and to be romantically intimate with is a comforting thing. I feel like I can relax now knowing that there is some degree of dependability in that, however unpredictable it may be.

Yeah, I’m scared of it. I’m scared of committed relationships. What scares me is the idea of my world closing in around me to only include that one person, so much so that I suffocate. What scares me is that she might sleep with another guy. What scares me is that there might be lies and deceit. What scares me is that I might hurt her.

My fears are valid. Based on my past experiencesin romantic relationships, fears around the issue are to be expected as they are in any situation with the potential to hurt. but i think the hoensty between Lorea and I is such that this can really be a great experience to figure out what a healthy relationship might be like for me. She doesn’t freak out when I let her know my fears. She is relatively stable and keeps her head when I am wavering all over the place. I appreciate this in her. I am able to recognize my fears for what they are and know that I need not fear anything cause there’s nothing I have not yet conquered in my life. How empowering is that? If we’re still alive, we’re on top our game.

Thinking of doing service once a week at a soup kitchen or some similar outlet to give back to my community selflessly.

feels like I am choking.
like my airway is collapsing and my lungs are getting tight.
mouth is dry and my eyes hurt.
i feel like puking
and i am going to throw my cell phone across the room when i hang up.
my joints stiffen up.
my stomach turns and adrenalin shoots in to my bloodstream.
it was all just a thought.
i thought it would be okay.
i didn’t think i’d feel like this.
i don’t want to don’t need to think like this.
physical symptoms making my thoughts real.

you gotta censor what you write when you know who’s reading it.

My counsellor tells me I need to not think so much about my “problems” and finding “solutions” to them. It’s fine for me to be intellectual, she says, but I just need to curb the amount that I think obsessively about my perceived struggles.

My counsellor also tells me I need to spend some time on pampering myself. I feel like my whole existence is that.

I went to the Vancouver Art Gallery today. Saw the Picasso exhibit. I had a bunch of thoughts. But nothing i want to write about. I know I am going to be famous eventually, i guess that’s all.

Been wanting to smoke bad lately.

Been running everyday, still. It’s a habit now.

My PowerBook is a fucking piece of shit. I hate it’s treachorous guts, the fucking defunct, overpriced bitch ass computer.

I’m stressed. I am going for a run. Running feels like mild opiates by about the ten minute mark.

Feel the need to post just a reminder that I am selfish and self-centered to the extreme. So much so that I don’t even see it and am the last to know about it. I think that I am so great and doing so well then I realise that I have been thinking about just myself for the last week straight even when I think I am thinking about others it’s always about me. My sister let me know about this tonight, how I never give a fuck about her or her struggles. And I feel awful that it litteraly came down to her jumping up and down yelling at me to break through to let me know that she is struggling in a big way.

I also had a recognition of a defect of character, being that it is and has harmed people in my life for a long long time. This defect is that I come across as not caring, as being disinterested when really I lack the ability to show my compassion and empathy that I feel. I am a very sensitive person and I feel great emotion for other people’s struggles. I really lack the skills to show this and to make this evident. My operation in my head in response to emotions, be them my own or someone elses is to disect the problem and rationalize solutions and responses. When someone tells me their cat died I feel their sadness but I really struggle and panic for the words to say to express any kind of sympathy with how they might be feeling. All I feel capable of is acknoledging their emotion, “that sucks, you must feel sad” and to then rationalize solutions “do you want another cat?” , “are you lonely? find a solution to your loneliness” maybe you didn’;t need a cat afterall. it’s for the best. it was meant to be. it’s all part of a plan. It drives me nuts cause i feel i can never connect with people emotionally and if i try i feel like a fraud.

I deal with my own emotions in the same way, except i love rationalizing how i feel and finding solutions to the problem. my whole life i have felt the impulse to respond to emotions rationally. if the emotion was good i would analyze the pleasure-giving situation and aim to replicate it and continue it. if the emotion felt uncomfortable i would analyze the pain-giving situation and alter my actions and reactions to cease and evoid the emotion in the future.

control control control.

i don’t want to hurt my sister anymore.

i want her to know that i love her and i want to feel comfortable enough with her to let her know that i love her. to let her know that i care about her even if i don’t understand everything she goes through.

she told me i have boyish reactions.

there was just a gun shot outside my window. i swear it was a gun.

She tells me I feel like home.
She tells me I’m amazing.
She tells me I can go for a long time.
She tells me I’m beautiful
She tells me it’s surreal to be in my presence
She tells me she wants to go travelling with me.
She tells me she wishes she never had to leave.

She tells me she loves me.
I believe her what she tells me.
I feel the same way about her.

I went running today. It was a continuance of my trend of health and responsibility for my life. I got off drugs, I got a job, I got an apartment, I maintained all, I quit smoking, I started cooking every meal for myself, I met an amazing girl and now I’m started running everyday.

It’s disgusting, I know.

I can’t recall ever feeling “in love” with someone, but I think I’m in love with her.
I don’t want to be with anyone else.
She is so attractive.I am so attracted to her.
I hug her and I get turned on.
She fascinates me.
I can’t stop looking at her.
She looks at me and smiles and doesn’t turn away and it feels unreal.
She’s so beautiful and I can’t believe we love each other so much.
We’ve talked about it and we’ve decided what we feel between one another is love.
We are both unsure what being “in love” is supposed to mean, but it must feel pretty close to this.
I had never “made love” before until tonight. We had the most amazingly intimate moment, I was with her spiritually, emotionally and physically and I thought I could die in that moment satisfied. I could have stayed there forever. We were so mutually in love with that moment together, emeshed as one, a perfect union of bodies expressing so accurately the mutual connection and love shared for one another.
When a love for another human being could not seem stronger then they tell you they love you back just as much and you feel like your heart and brain and body will explode with joy.
She makes me want to be a better person.
She makes me happy for everything I have worked for in my life to be at this moment in my life.
She is intelligent and says things that I have never thought about before in my life. She challenges me intellectually.
We share the same spiritual upbringing and are in similar spiritual places now in life.
We have so much to share with one another.
I haven’t lied or decieved her in anyway, and don’t need to. She totally accepts me how I am, all my defects and imperfections and honestly tells me she loves me.
I used to wake up every morning and my first thought would be “cigarette”. I woke up this morning and my first thought was of Lorea.
I have no jealous fear cause I know how she feels about me is special and unique.
I’m so crazy about this girl and I can’t look at her and can’t believe she feels so totally the same way about me.
She says things about me that I am thinking about her.
I know I’m infatuated, and it feels amazing.

Lately whenever I get hungry, or skip a meal within a few hours I start to behave and feel very peculiar. I feel sketchy, almost exactly like the effects of sleep dep, about day two. I feel really anxious, I’m easily annoyed, I’m inpatient, my head and neck become sore and I actually have mild visual hallucinations. I am making more of an effort to constantly keep my hunger and need for water in check.

I have made every dinner at home for the past week. I also took a lunch to work on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I am quite proud of my quick adjustment to eating out less.

I quit smoking 10 days ago. I don’t really think about it first thing when I wake up anymore. I more want water when I first wake up now. I get some pretty intense cravings a couple times during the day, but nothing I haven’t been able to conquer. So… no drugs. no booze. no nicotine. It’s pretty wild. I feel pretty straight. I was at a party last night and everyone was getting shit faced. There was a big no-label jug of moonshine on the island in the kitchen and everyone was taking shots off it. Everyone kept asking me, “Have you had the moonshine yet?… You gotta try the moonshine… Here, i’ll pour you a shot… I’ll do a shot with you…” They seemed totally unable to conceive of the idea that I don’t drink any alcohol whatsoever. I kept telling them, “no thanks, I’m really alright.” or telling them straight up that I don’t drink but that just meant they tried all the harder to convince me that this moonshine is so good that I really must try it. I am positive I was the only non-intoxicated person there and I was pretty alright with it. I didn’t envy them at all. They all looked quite ridiculous actually. They couldn’t walk very well, their eyes were all lazy, I witnessed two people fall right over and hit the ground and all the while they thought that I was the abnormal one. HA! Whatever. I don’t miss that at all, and the more time I get since my last drink the further away from that life I want to get.

I got 10 months + 1 week yesterday.

The following week is the strangest week for me of the whole year. I hate it. I have my birthday tomorrow, and Christmas 6 days later. It’s a fucking dreadful time of year. I hate celebrations when the point of what is being celebrated is completely lost in the festivities themselves. I think maybe i just prefer the quieter life, the life more alone.