Blog

So yeah. I got home from work and showered and now i’m smoking a Cuban cigar, a Cohiba Esplendido. This really is the best brand of cigar i have ever smoked. And i have a box of them. Well, half a box now. I gave 12 of them away to some of my friends whom i knew would appreciate a good cigar. Cory, Devitt, Ronan, Carl, Elliot, Rob, Chris, Ben and three for Ted cause he is my boss and it seemed like an appropriate thing to do. That’s 11. I’m missing someone. Oh well. I feel so calm write now. My body is pretty stoned on this here cigar. Freud smoked 20 cigars a day and swore by them. He said he couldn’t write unless he had his cigar. He also became addicted to cocaine.

So i was in Cuba for the last week, June 3-10. To sum it up: I had a really relaxing, mind-expanding trip. I’ve pretty much devulged all the stories from Cuba to people verbally, so I really don’t feel like writing it all down in here. It would take wuite a while. Many stories. While i was there, experiencing the heat, the insects, the resort, the beach, the people, the entertainment, total removal from my home life I made a list of words, to be later associated – just sort of a sketch of things there so i would not foget them. I’d like to post that here:

anorexic cows
starved dogs w/ fleas
bird cages in streets
banana trees
sugar plantations
horse-drawn carriages
manual labour
prison camp
small ponmy-like horses
thunder like a volcano
passport checks
pretty women
1950’s cars
chicas
they all like my clothing
anything for a peso
open sewage/garbage
baseball stadiums
airport tax
Michael and Michael
Fumigator
crocodile farm
Lazaro
Liset
green. yellow. pink. blue. white.
brick and mortar
parish
cathedral
catholicism
4 hrs to Trinidad
worst 30 minutes of my life (shitty pants)
no toilet seats
no toilet paper
no toilet lid
mosquitos
cave rave
bats
turkey vultures
crab in the pool
beach w/ alex

yeah. I don’t know what else. this is a boring post. not really in to it 100%. but this cigar is pretty damn good. had a good conversation with cory last night about emotional dependence in relationships, and how much it licks ass. a good way to tell if that’s the case in any given relationship is if you can define a sudden onset of deep neediness, like a craving to be with that person, to have that person close, to have their attention and approval and then to notice whether that deep need is transient – whether it dissapears in a relatively short time period. Say, if one moment you really desire that person and then a few hours later don’t really need them very badly, or are pretty content without them. What’s actually going on is an emotionally-based need, and to fulfill that need with the other person is practically like using someone as a drug. it was a good conversation and he was pretty dead-on.

Worked in the sun all day. It was really beautiful out, very sunny. I got a lot of sun even though i wore sunscreen. I haven’t washed my hair in a week. Gonna see how long i can go without shampooing it. Finishing up the soffits on Sylvia’s house. Taking longer than i want it to and it makes me frustrated. Ted is really stressed out cause his ex-gf just checked in to treatment. Also Sylvia has been putting pressure on him given that she expected her soffits to be done by now. Sometimes it’s hard to not be affected by the emotions of those around me. I feel bad for ted cause I really think he’s a great guy and a greater boss and it hurts me to see him sad and stressed. I talked to him at the meeting tonight. He said he wasn’t alright and his eyes were tearing and mine started tearing automatically as well.

I was looking forward to jamming tonight all day. When it came down to it I found our rehearsal really frustrating. i just feel that i what i want to write, the music i want to write never is realized when i jam with others. my songs always get changes, diluted. i really just wanna be in a band, a very particular band in my head, and be touring on the road playing shows, rocking venues. seems like i can never get there.

I’m lonely. right now, i’m alone and i’m lonely. my bed is so empty without her. i miss her. that kind of love seems so far away now, like it’ll be forever till i can be in love like that again. i hate that. i hate being lonely. it’s the worst. i started remembering a bunch of great things about her and then i had to make myself remember the bad things cause it was hurting too much to not have the good things. i’m supposed to be pouring my anger and sadness and loneliness in to my music and art but neither seem to come even close to satisfying. fuck. chain smoking helps. so does masturbating like 5 times a day. i look forward to work, helps me focus on something else, and unlike the band thing when i build stuff it usually turns out surprisingly beautiful and gratifying. think i need to be playing with a different band.

need a new cell phone.

She makes me wanna die
Follow where mary goes
Cherish the things she knows
Says if I change my stride
Then Ill fly
She makes me wanna die
Change my stride
Then Ill fly
Look to the sun
See me in psychic pollution
Walking on the moon
How could you dare?
Who do you think you are?
Youre insignificant
A small piece, an ism
No more no less
You try to learn the universe
Cant even converse in uni-verse
You know its ironic smoking hydroponic
She makes me wanna die
And change my stride
Then Ill fly

oh yeah… this is probably where you wanna stop reading cause the next one’s gonna sting.

paralyzed
all i can do right now is sit here and chainsmoke Marlboro Reds.
i don’t really know what to do about this.
i know that my feelings are hurt.
that i’ve been lied to.
that i deceived myself in to believing something was there when it was not.

happy i have tomorrow off work. gonna sleep a lot and rock the fuck out with rob. play guitars really really fucking loud and break shit. i wanna break shit. i wanna do anything i can to forget about her cause when i think about her, yeah it’s all fine until the innevitable dagger comes and rips my heart out of my chest. i can’t let myself give up that power.

she’s in a different place than you. you were there once too. sometimes you lapse back there. it’s a place of using other people, getting their attention and admiration and using their love to make myself feel good. but i wear thru people like tissues and then toss them. leave the gate open but go hunting for the next one. i know the game. i hate the game. i don’t need to play it. talk to me again when you actually love me.

slept 2 and a half hours last night. Feel like shit run-over. Now I gotta go walk around on scaffolding 30 feet up in the air. My head is spinning. This can’t be good.

I had a pretty awesome day today. Woke up at 5:30am, Lorea and I went to Yoga for 6am. After an hour and a half of sweating, scretching and meditating we had scones and coffee at Tony’s across the street on the drive. I worked 6 hours in the scorching sun, on a roof, sheeting these new soffits I built off of the gables. It was so hot and sunny and beautiful. By about 1pm I was definately feeling sun stroked. SHortly after, Ted and I called it a day and I called Lorea to see if she wanted to go to the beach. I picked her up from 10th and Alma and we instead went to her house and had a shower together. She brushed my hair. She plucked my very few chest hairs and plucked my gross spider-leg nipple hairs. She massaged moisturizer in to my burnt back. It was so wonderful to be taken care of, to feel loved by the one I love. She put on soft acoustic music that she likes and said, “I’m sorry, I know you don;t like this music.” I didn’t mind it. I was happy to be with her. The music was almost matching for the moment. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. We had a nap together and I laid away from her but still gently touching her, to feel connected to her, but not so all on top of her cause that makes her feel clausterphobic. I drove her downtown for her west-coast swing dance lesson. I went and got a coffee at Artigiano’s and bought a book at Chapters. I watched her dance for a few minutes and was happy to watch her dance. She’s a good dancer. I like watching her move. I like that she loves it so much. So focused. So determined. It makes me happy that she invests in herself like that and believes she can do anything she puts herself 100% in to. Met up with JR who happened to be downtown. The three of us grabbed sushi. Lorea went to Salsa dance at Ginger 62 and JR and I went to catch the end of The Bay Group at the Alano club. Heard a bunch of AA rhetoric and some guy at the podium mention several times how he used to be a millionaire before coming to AA but now his life is richer. Sometimes just showing up is all that matters. JR and I smoked cigarettes and laughed a lot together. She was very JR, like she was when I first met her. It made me really happy. It made me really happy to hear she doesn’t want to be a crackhead. WE picked up Breanna and we decided to drag Breanna to Karaoke at Uranus. ALmost like magic, Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody came on the radio and like that scene out of wayne’s world we all sang along, reciting every word of the entire song in unison and harmony. The energy was high. I sang Mack The Knife and Girl from Ipanema at Karaoke, and was surprised that I can still sing quite well. We were the only ones in the enitire club and we only had to buy a drink each to sing. A diet coke, a cran and 7, and a cran and soda. We’re high-class drunks. We’re so drunk we don’t even need the drink. I dropped them all off at home and came back here. Fuck, what a great day. Now Lorea is coming over in an hour or two to sleep in my bed. and in the morning? we do it all over again. I just need to let go and love more. That’s what i learned today. Oh and also, Breanna said something interesting in her blog about the piece of mind that I have is in direct corelation to the piece of mind I give others. Same with love, i think. Same with anything, i think.

Surprising even myself… I’m still really in love with her.

too much
too little
too late
knotted tiny splinters
beneath skin
abscess decay
chronic aneurysm
unfettered desires
effort too much
too long
how long?

Had a very satisfying last few days of existence. My life is so full today. I was walking somewhere yesterday, remarking to myself how it has been months since I have had a ‘boring’ moment in my day. And rarely ever am I dissatisfied. My probelms today are really in themselves, amazingly insignificant and only the spice that comes with eating really good food.

I quit smoking again. I haven’t poisoned myself in 5 whole days. Once the cigarettes are gone, once that smoke is out of my system, having followed ev ery other poison out of my body, a surge of life flows in to me to replenish all that had been depleted. I feel original. Pure. As I was when I was born, and so I am – reborn. Totally free from mood-altering substances. All that I source from life now is natural energy, from the nutrients i put in my stomach, the conversations and music i fill my ears with, the motions I put my body through every day, the energy i put in to the work i do, the relationships i foster, the service i do for others, the information i learn; it is now all part of a symbiotic relationship that is not destructive in anyway but is creative, a process of daily creation, rejuventation and reincarnation.

I haven’t much time to write now. But I do want to record a few things, partcularly how my weekend was, which I wrote about in this email to my father:

Dad:

Thanks for your email. Sarah seemed really happy all night. I think she must have been feeling quite accomplished, as she should. I’m not sure if Sarah told you about the Grad Show. Lorea and I went down there and met up with Sarah and John and later, Mike and Liz. John’s roommates were there as well, as well as a bunch of friends of Lorea’s, Sarah’s and mine that we chanced to meet there. There was quite a big turnout, it was very crowded. So crowded that there was a few times where both Sarah and I started to feel panicky. Luckily there was quiet, unpopulated places to retreat to. After spending quite some time at Emily Carr looking at all the art Lorea and I went downtown to go see a band, “Ladyhawk” play at a little store called “Goon Pack”. Goon Pack puts all their regular merchandise away for the evening and hosts events like bands every once in a while. Lorea and I had some mexican food around midnight at a little mexican joint around the corner. My good friend, Rob came and met up with us at the show. The band was put on a really good show. After their set, we left and ran in to Sarah, John and John’s roommates who all had cabbed downtown to come to the show but unfortunately were a bit late. We walked through gastown together, all of us and checked out another bar which we all decided was “not happening”. We all were pretty tired by this point so we all decided to call it a night. Rob drove Sarah, John and John’s roommates back to their houses and Lorea and I came back to my house to watch a movie and go to sleep. It was a fantastic night.

Thank mom again for the dinner, if you get a chance. It was delicious. Those strawberries were fresh!

I’m not sure, but you may be able to correct those photos that had an incorrect white balance in Photoshop using the “Photofilter…” adjustment under the menu Image/Adjustment.

This photo of John, Sarah, Me and Mom looks amazing!! It’s really a great photo! I’d really like a print of it, if you can do that. A 5×7 would be nice. I will bring you photopaper next time I see you if you want to print them on your printer.

Sarah’s trip snuck up fast. Thanks for reminding me.

While Sarah was getting ready for grad we must have seemed preoccupied to you — there was a lot going on!

It didn’t even bother me. Don’t worry about it, I understand. You have been very supportive of her. It’s great!

On sunday, Lorea took me to a yoga class at Bikram’s Yoga on Commercial Drive. It was the first time I had ever done it. It was an amazing experience! It takes a lot of discipline and can really be quite strenuous, more than i imagined. After my first class, I was so excited about it I got Lorea and I each one month unlimited passes to the yoga studio. We went again together today at 8am because i didn’t have to work, and we are planning on going everyday for the next month. It is great exercise, balance training and most importantly is very meditative for the mind and soul. It really brings you to a place where you feel free from everything and totally at one with yourself – a very spiritual experience. I am going tomorrow before work to the 6am class. It must take something really amazing to get me up at 5am to make it to the class!

Hope you are well.

Love,
Nick.

I feel so fucking alive.