Category: Uncategorized

today was a good day. i needed one. the week prior was shitty. full of shit. had trouble getting up every morning. saw no point in anything. work was long and bullshit. all cause i really missed one person. funny that. two awesome rehearsals last week. i think we’re ready for some shows. i know i am. super excited for the show on friday. doors open at 8pm. we’ll probably go on at 9 or 9:30. it’s going to sell out for sure, so i am told. my first real show playing a lead part in a rock band and it’s going to be infront of a sizeable audience. spent all of saturday night, from 7pm to 7am painting a backdrop for our show. it’s 12 feet tall and 15 feet wide. a big graphic of an anatomical heart with our band name across it in a romantic scripty font. I ran in to Maddy on the street outside Lick and she came back to the studio to help me paint and hang out. it was so fucking nice seeing her. it was like a weight was lifted. nothing happened. no hanky panky. no inuendos. no flirting. we were just hanging out and i honestly enjoyed her company. and i cared what she had to say. and i cared about her.

maybe i just need unatached sex. Abra made that suggestion to me tonight and it I agreed. I think that really is what i need. friendship and nsa sex every once in a while.

i was watching this porn called triple stacked where a guy is fucking three chicks at one time that all are acting like they are loving it and are totally in to him and each other. it went through my head that this is my fantasy. but the reality of it makes me sick.

all the female energy in my life. i have dreams of drowning in menstrual blood.

you gave me a Febreeze air freshner unit. ya know, one of those ones that you plug in to the wall and it’s got these vials of scented oil in them that heat up and really do a good job of making a smelly room like mine smell like something else. in this case you got me vials that smell exactly like your house. and in this case it’s doing a really good job of constantly reminding me of your house and you days since i’ve seen you.

i have a(nother) sinus infection. snorting salt water hurts like a motherfucking bitch. but it seems to be working.

i probably shouldn’t write when i feel like this… but it’s also when i am most inspired to write. i really want to talk to someone about how i am feeling but it seems that there’s nothing really to say and there’s nothing anyone can do to change how i am feeling. i guess that’s what my counsellor is for. i feel that i can talk to her. cause she has to listen. she gets paid to just sit there and soak up all my bad shit like a sponge.after i leave her office i don’t really have any new solutions but the bad feelings are now split between me and someone else. or at least i get the feeling that my problem is less when someone else knows about it.

it happened again. i got scared and i bolted. scared isn’t the right word. what is the righ word to describe it? maybe i just don’t know how to be happy with another person in an intimate context. i miss HER. i wanna ask her how her day was and i feel as though this time i would actually care enough to listen. i wanna know if she had a headache all day again, cause right now i actually care about her, which, strangely is more than i can say about the last week or two weeks of spotty apathetic love on my part. i really wasn’t there for her. i really didn’t let myself become emotionally available. a lot of the time i wasn’t even physically available, particularly in the last few days, which is when i made the difficult decision to not out either of us through that agony. and this time, unlike all the past relationships i quit cause i couldn’t hack, i am not gonna go back. i won’t do that to her. i care about her too much, i guess. it’s bad enough to be broken up with once, but over and over again every weekend for two or even six months? that’s just cruel. and that’s exactly what i did to Bre. that’s exactly what i did to Lorea. that’s exactly what i did to Tamar. kept thinking i could “get over my fears”. kept thinking it was just a brief phase of disinterest. kept thinking suddenly i would get struck to my senses and would treat her like i wish i could. wish i could just write my life out like a character in a screenplay and just be exactly like i wanted to be. but this screenwriter isn’t fervent enough and this actor is not professional enough to pull off a convincing role. i truly hope her and i can still hang out. i know we can’t right now. the dust needs time to settle. yesterday i was surprisingly happy after i told her i couldn’t date her anymore. i felt like i got what i needed and that i was on a path to honesty. today the fucking reality set in. all those things you take for granted. waking up to her in your bed. you were so apathetic before. now you missed her. watching her tell a story and be extatic and giggle. her fucking passion and aliveness. her honesty and willingness to try to make things work…. i could go on but it’s making me more sad.

i still feel like the decision i made was a necessary one and that it was the only thing to do to save our relationship with one another. and by that i mean our union of souls. cause when i was in that intimate-romantic context i couldn’t feel anything. and now i can feel her so close to me. and it hurts.

i got drafted by this emo band called ready.set.die… as their lead guitarist. 
i play lead guitar in an emo  band. i died my hair black and i straighten my bangs. I’m a poser and i’m totally fine with that.

ha!

xoxo

its the middle of the night and i’m super glad i’m not still at the club dancing but instead have just woken up. 🙂 even though i was in bed before 11, i was having trouble getting to sleep. and then i must have fallen asleep cause i was having horrible dreams. really graphic, quasi-nightmarish dreams about dying animals and bad food and fear. well, i guess it was not so much my fear that i recall as much as my exposure to frightening situations and while feeling scared not being overly fearful. i like the sound of that, actually.
so i woke up and woke up thinking that i had never even fallen asleep until i started remembering my dreams – indicators that i was in fact asleep. then i checked the time – 1:15am. 5 more hours till I get up for work. i made the decision to change my alarm clocks from 5:15 to 6:02 given that I do in fact not have good enough ingredients for making omelletes and that i have a truck to get me to work now.
i feel much better nowafter just a few hours of sleep. i was having kind of a shizen afternoon yesterday. nothing incredibly heartbreaking. just me feeling emotional and tired that resulted in me reacting to life in some pretty self-absorbed ways. but ya know, it worked out, i think. i think yesterday was an okay day in hindsight. and right now, i feel much more energetic. in a few hours perhaps i shall feel even better, even less in bondage (not the good kind, ;)) maybe even tapped in to the communal consciousness, maybe even ready to see what i can pack in to the stream of life.
ya know, that last shit i just said? that’s really what i want more of out of life. it’s totally what i want everyday of my life. I’ve had glimpses. And i find i usally only find it when i get out of the city, change my environment and my perspective changes as well. i like that. infact i love it. but those glimpses are only that. I don’t mean to sound mellowdramatic or depressive but i really strive to have those things in my daily life and i rarely achieve it.

My flight to Manzanillo leaves at 1am tonight. I’m super excited. In fact I think I’m vibrating cause I’ve been running around all afternoon packing and getting shit sorted buzzed on energy drink.

I’m gonna miss a bunch of you, some of you not so much. Now you’re asking yourself which category you fit in to. Distance makes the heart grow fauna… flora if you’re veggie.

xoxo

Jesus Christ I feel ill. I just ate cranberry apple pie at the Naam. Then went to a meeting and ate somebody’s gross idea of a cake that tasted like butter and sugar. Then came home and ate a vegan walnut brownie that Joanna made. I actually feel like barfing. EW.

Last week I was unloading a truckload of shit at the dump. I dropped a really heavy piece of an MDF desk over the side and it bounced off the ground and bucked me in the chin. Felt like getting hit in the face with a 2×4 and I was momentarily stunned. When I got back in the truck Chuck looked at me and gasped, “what happened?!” I looked in the rearview and there was blood all over my chin. It took a butterfly bandage and tape to hold it shut for the rest of the day. There goes my modelling aspirations, i thought. “Chicks think scars are hot,” said Joseph. It’s almost healed now. I consciously didn’t shave all week. Don’t wanna seem like I was clumsy enough to have cut myself while shaving.

New albums on rotation:
The Rapture – Echoes
Queens of the Stone Age – Queens of the Stone Age
Of Montreal – The Sunlandic Twins
Lamb of God – Sacrament
Kyuss – Wretch
Killswitch Engage – As Daylight Dies
Hatebreed – Satisfaction is the death of desire
God Forbid – IV: Constitution of Treason
Deftones – White Pony
Deftones – Adrenaline
Deftones – Saturday Night Wrist
Coldplay – X&Y
Cat Power – What Would The Community Think
Billy Talent – Billy Talent II
As I Lay Dying – A Long March

Drinking water and smoking cigarettes. I tried quitting in the last week twice. Not gonna say when it’s gonna happen. Guess the desire to smoke is still stronger than the desire to not smoke. And the perceived rewards of smoking greater than the rewards of not smoking.

Finished my 15-page paper for psychotherapy 2318. waiting for it to be marked. I have three exams next week. Tues, Wed, Thurs.

Tanned today. I burnt myself. Burns always turn to tans. Unless they peel.

****************

A conversation I had today made me cry. Tears of not fear, sorrow or joy. Just emotional release, I guess. There’s some moments in life that are so beautiful. So full of wonder and awe that tears are really the only way to react. Some moments I am sitting there and my eyes turn in to cameras and I feel as though I am watching a movie. And the acting is really good. Cept it’s usually not appropriate timing to stop the person who is saying something so beautiful to tell them that their acting is really believable; that way they just bit their lip while they talk about their childhood trauma really shows their character’s dynamic; that’s perfect! Flair you nostrils just like that and show your anger so quaintly while you talk so eloquently!

There is an opposition between living truly authentic lives and the day-to-day operations in which we function between rising and sleeping:

I want to tell you something. I want to share with you a piece of my true self. Strip me bare of all my pretenses and social constructs of behavior, take away all my influences of past experiences and relationships, remove the fear that resides within me of what will happen next, tomorrow or in one hundred years because I wish to tell you something that is so important to me that none of these things will get in my way. If I were to die tonight in my sleep I want you to know something. I seek an unhindered congruence in what I show to you and what I really am. I seek naked authenticity in my existence. It is my hope that when I show you my true self I can make myself so unequivocally accurate that you understand exactly my feelings and thoughts.

so that’s the way it is?

radiohead
dave matthews band
ben harper
cornershop
oasis
red hot chili peppers
foo fighters
moist
matthew good band
finger 11
silverchair
i mother earth
tea party (3x)
our lady peace
collective soul
hole
garbage
girls against boys
sevendust
tool
nine inch nails (2x)
queens of the stoneage (3x)
the decemberists
the shins
amon tobin (2x)
the herbaliser (3x)
flogging molly
bedouin soundclash (x2)
deathcab for cutie
the constantines
the walkmen
ozomatli
the tragically hip
H.I.M.
bauhaus
neko case
tracy chapman
savage garden
parliament funkadelic
public enemy
kid koala (2x)
stereolab
bonobo
blockhead
goldie
dj dara
paul oakenfold
ak 1200
dieselboy (2x)
del the funky homosapien
sean paul
tv on the radio
and you will know us by the trail of dead
wolfmother
gomez
architecture in helsinki
beck (2x)
matisyahu
nada surf
the arctic monkeys
clap your hands say yeah

After this there will be no one
After this there will be hats on different bodies
After this there will be no more
Beautifull dresses
After this there will be fast cast
After this there will be no one
After this there will be no more good clean fun

I forgive you for the rest
Even the whole time i was tested
Nobody does better, baby you’re the best

After this there will be no one
After this there will be so many good ones
After this there will be less interest
After this there will be no one

Hey, I run down on my luck
Hey, can I have something from you
It seems I have nothing to give
It seems you have nothing to give

After this there will be no one
After this there will be no more good clean fun

I forgive you for the rest
Even the whole time I was tested
Nobody does better, baby you’re the best.

good clean fun – cat power