Category: Uncategorized

Jesus Christ I feel ill. I just ate cranberry apple pie at the Naam. Then went to a meeting and ate somebody’s gross idea of a cake that tasted like butter and sugar. Then came home and ate a vegan walnut brownie that Joanna made. I actually feel like barfing. EW.

Last week I was unloading a truckload of shit at the dump. I dropped a really heavy piece of an MDF desk over the side and it bounced off the ground and bucked me in the chin. Felt like getting hit in the face with a 2×4 and I was momentarily stunned. When I got back in the truck Chuck looked at me and gasped, “what happened?!” I looked in the rearview and there was blood all over my chin. It took a butterfly bandage and tape to hold it shut for the rest of the day. There goes my modelling aspirations, i thought. “Chicks think scars are hot,” said Joseph. It’s almost healed now. I consciously didn’t shave all week. Don’t wanna seem like I was clumsy enough to have cut myself while shaving.

New albums on rotation:
The Rapture – Echoes
Queens of the Stone Age – Queens of the Stone Age
Of Montreal – The Sunlandic Twins
Lamb of God – Sacrament
Kyuss – Wretch
Killswitch Engage – As Daylight Dies
Hatebreed – Satisfaction is the death of desire
God Forbid – IV: Constitution of Treason
Deftones – White Pony
Deftones – Adrenaline
Deftones – Saturday Night Wrist
Coldplay – X&Y
Cat Power – What Would The Community Think
Billy Talent – Billy Talent II
As I Lay Dying – A Long March

Drinking water and smoking cigarettes. I tried quitting in the last week twice. Not gonna say when it’s gonna happen. Guess the desire to smoke is still stronger than the desire to not smoke. And the perceived rewards of smoking greater than the rewards of not smoking.

Finished my 15-page paper for psychotherapy 2318. waiting for it to be marked. I have three exams next week. Tues, Wed, Thurs.

Tanned today. I burnt myself. Burns always turn to tans. Unless they peel.

****************

A conversation I had today made me cry. Tears of not fear, sorrow or joy. Just emotional release, I guess. There’s some moments in life that are so beautiful. So full of wonder and awe that tears are really the only way to react. Some moments I am sitting there and my eyes turn in to cameras and I feel as though I am watching a movie. And the acting is really good. Cept it’s usually not appropriate timing to stop the person who is saying something so beautiful to tell them that their acting is really believable; that way they just bit their lip while they talk about their childhood trauma really shows their character’s dynamic; that’s perfect! Flair you nostrils just like that and show your anger so quaintly while you talk so eloquently!

There is an opposition between living truly authentic lives and the day-to-day operations in which we function between rising and sleeping:

I want to tell you something. I want to share with you a piece of my true self. Strip me bare of all my pretenses and social constructs of behavior, take away all my influences of past experiences and relationships, remove the fear that resides within me of what will happen next, tomorrow or in one hundred years because I wish to tell you something that is so important to me that none of these things will get in my way. If I were to die tonight in my sleep I want you to know something. I seek an unhindered congruence in what I show to you and what I really am. I seek naked authenticity in my existence. It is my hope that when I show you my true self I can make myself so unequivocally accurate that you understand exactly my feelings and thoughts.

so that’s the way it is?

radiohead
dave matthews band
ben harper
cornershop
oasis
red hot chili peppers
foo fighters
moist
matthew good band
finger 11
silverchair
i mother earth
tea party (3x)
our lady peace
collective soul
hole
garbage
girls against boys
sevendust
tool
nine inch nails (2x)
queens of the stoneage (3x)
the decemberists
the shins
amon tobin (2x)
the herbaliser (3x)
flogging molly
bedouin soundclash (x2)
deathcab for cutie
the constantines
the walkmen
ozomatli
the tragically hip
H.I.M.
bauhaus
neko case
tracy chapman
savage garden
parliament funkadelic
public enemy
kid koala (2x)
stereolab
bonobo
blockhead
goldie
dj dara
paul oakenfold
ak 1200
dieselboy (2x)
del the funky homosapien
sean paul
tv on the radio
and you will know us by the trail of dead
wolfmother
gomez
architecture in helsinki
beck (2x)
matisyahu
nada surf
the arctic monkeys
clap your hands say yeah

After this there will be no one
After this there will be hats on different bodies
After this there will be no more
Beautifull dresses
After this there will be fast cast
After this there will be no one
After this there will be no more good clean fun

I forgive you for the rest
Even the whole time i was tested
Nobody does better, baby you’re the best

After this there will be no one
After this there will be so many good ones
After this there will be less interest
After this there will be no one

Hey, I run down on my luck
Hey, can I have something from you
It seems I have nothing to give
It seems you have nothing to give

After this there will be no one
After this there will be no more good clean fun

I forgive you for the rest
Even the whole time I was tested
Nobody does better, baby you’re the best.

good clean fun – cat power
 

Yeah, I am pretty bored right now. Reading about feminist therapy 
is exceptionally uninteresting.  

I want people to stop psychoanalyzing me. I see a counsellor for this. I go to meetings to remind me I am still in recovery and to be of service to others. I am studying psychology, for fuck’s sake. I read hundreds of pages on psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, socio-dynamics on one’s psychology, abnormalities, maladaptive behaviors, diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Through this I get my fair share of self-analysis and evaluation. I know what my problems are and I have a more intimate relationship with them than you do. My closest friendships are built on honesty and trust. These components breed an ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability means that I am willing to share my weaknesses with another. Not because I need their advice in any capacity or even their comfort. Like I said, I know a fuck of a lot more about psychotherapy and treatment than you do. I go to them because I simply trust them enough to be vulnerable with them. I get something from the mutuality that disclosure provides. But you know what breaks that trust sooner than anything? You know what repulses me from another human like oil and water? -Someone trying to tell me what my business is. Someone trying to tell me what my weaknesses and defects are. Sure, accountability is important. I am glad my friends are honest with me enough to tell me if I am in error or in danger. But they do so selectively and very, very carefully and most importantly they do it solely out of love for me. They have no motives behind it. For them to use my weaknesses as tools to manipulate me or to veil that manipulation with honesty would be a fucking travesty to our relationship.

Dear brothers and sisters
dear enemies and friends,

Why are we all so alone here
All we need is a little more hope, a little more joy
All we need is a little more light, a little less weight, a little more freedom.
If we were an army, and if we believed that we were an army
And we believed that everyone was scared like little lost children in their grown up clothes and poses
So we ended up alone here floating through long wasted days, or great tribulations.
While everything felt wrong
Good words, strong words, words that could’ve moved mountains
Words that no one ever said
We were all waiting to hear those words and no one ever said them
And the tactics never hatched
And the plans were never mapped
And we all learned not to believe
And strange lonesome monsters loafed through the hills wondering why
And it is best to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wonder why
So tangle – oh tangle us up in bright red ribbons!
Let’s have a parade
It’s been so long since we had a parade, so let’s have a parade!
Let’s invite all our friends
And all our friends’ friends!
Let’s promenade down the boulevards with terrific pride and light in our eyes
Twelve feet tall and staggering
Sick with joy with the angels there and light in our eyes
Brothers and sisters, hope still waits in the wings like a bitter spinster
Impatient, lonely and shivering, waiting to build her glorious fires
It’s because of our plans man; our beautiful ridiculous plans
Let’s launch them like careening jetplanes
Let’s crash all our planes in the river
Let’s build strange and radiant machines at this jericho waiting to fall

–Built Then Burn (Hurrah! Hurrah!) – A Silver Mt. Zion

Just watched a documentary on CBC about this Canadian guy living in Moscow, teaching english. He’s been there for the last 3 years and plans on never leaving. It got me really thinking again about leaving Vancouver. It’s a desire that’s been coming up for me a lot in the last year or so and has been increasing with time.

I don’t really know exactly where I want to go. The problem is not in that I can’t decide on where to go, just where to go first and how to work it so that I can make money wherever I may roam.

Here’s some places I want to go:

Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos. I could likely go to all these countries on the same trip. Might take about 4 months to explore them.

Costa Rica, Cuba, Dominican Republic. If i go back to Cuba, I will spend longer there and likely backpack around. I would fly in to Havana and hitchhike around. Hitch hiking is pretty easy and common in Cuba. My spanish would come back fast, but I wouldn’t want to actually settle in any of these countries. Just backpack.

Berlin. I want to live in Berlin for a while. A few years, likely. I want to look in to getting German citizenship though my mom to make living there easier. I can speak some German, so that would be a start. Berlin would also be a good basecamp for exploring the rest of Europe…

Rome, Prague, Amsterdam. I love the history, culture and architecture of these cities and I want to spend a while exploring each one.

**** **** ****

I haven’t felt good all day. I refered to it earlier as a “low-level mental toxicity” and that pretty accurately describes it. My mind has been reeling for the last couple days straight and I haven’t been able to shut it up. I has a few days in the early part of the week where it was just quiet… That blabbery voice stopped talking to me and I was able to just live in the moment and be positively appreciative of every moment. Now it’s on my again like a haunt. It is driving me nuts. Been obsessed with the desire to smoke all day today as well. I am inclined to link the desire to smoke with the conditioning to smoke. But then I had a different thought today – That smoking, like drinking, like drugs are all symptoms of the same problem. And that problem is me. I have a spiritual defficiency, so they tell me. I don’t know what else to call it, but I can definitely agree with the symptoms all being caused by the same thing. I am trying to self-medicate, trying to make myself feel okay. And it is not working. It rarely did, and when it did it was brief, like maybe for the first smoke of the day, or the first hoot of the pipe after sleeping for three days.

I so badly want relief again. Today is the 11th. Which means today marks 20 months without any alcohol or drug to alter the way I feel. That is pretty incredible for me to think about, and I am proud of that. I hope it is justified to be proud of that. It was fucking hard. Just like not smoking is fucking hard. But ya know, after 20 months without being able to escape from my head, I just want some fucking relief. And I am looking everywhere for it.

ya know what? I feel okay today. I actually don’t feel horrible. I have been in a really good mood for most of the day. I haven’t felt that way in a number of weeks.

I also haven’t smoked since yesterday. feels like a great pressure in my head. I am drinking lots of water.

ya know what else? I am being nice to myself today. I am not letting my self get scared. I jsut won’t entertain the fear. i am not letting myself beat myself up. I am really looking at the positives in everything today. and it feels pretty great. i don’t really want it to go away. and i’m not going to think about it going away. I am just thinking of this moment. right now. and i am okay.

there’s a lot that i wanted to say to you. i just kept writing it out and deleting it. I’m so tired of feeling exhausted. I’m so tired of the people around me telling me my logic is insane. my emotions are not logical at all, it’s true.

there’s so much i want to say, but i am speechless.

i want you in my arms. i want to ask you how your day was. i want to fuck you.

you’re there, probably thinking of me. I’m here, thinking of you. I wish i hadn’t told you not to talk to me. it’s making me want you all the more.

when i saw you today i was in shock. i didn’t know what to do. i wanted to hug you. i wanted to just be normal with you. i wanted for us to just be us and not have this pretext of us avoiding one another.

if i was telling you all this you’d probably want me to rationalize it. “but this is not what you said you wanted two weeks ago.” “but i thought you didn’t want me.”

well… i have no rational explanation. i think i am crazy. i think i just want to shut up. i just would want you to say, “come over, we’re going to have fun.”