Started taking herbal medicine again two days ago in the effort of curing this depression. St. John’s Wort three times a day (30mg x 3) and Gingko Biloba in the morning.
Noticeable lift in mood Yestyeday and today. Also went to the gym last night and hung out with Briony. Maybe that helped too.
So, I talked with my consellor and decided that it would be a good idea to styart journelling about my moods. Actually, it was my idea and I passed it by her and she agreed that there would be good merit in tracking my mood cycles. So without further adoo…
Friday, March 27th
Went to see The Watchmen with Carrie, Ward and Robin. Felt energetic, youthful and great. REally felt connected to those around me and in the moment.
Saturday, March 28th
Today was great. I woke up with Carrie in my bed and we spent much of the morning sleeping late into the day. When we awoke, we were in no rush. I felt calm and collected, like I had unlimited opportunities that day. I was with a person I love and who equally loves me. My home was messy and cluttered but it did not matter. The weather was cloudy with rainy periods. We walked to the grocery store, bought $100 worth of groceries, went home and Carrie made a delicious breakfast of eggs and sausage. We spent the afternoon cleaning the house and then at night hung around the house.
Sunday, March 29th
Awoke feeling a little sad at the fact that I have to go abck to work tomorrow. Carrie was a little sad too and this affected me. It was beautifully sunny out. Other than iopening the blinds, I did nothing to enjoy it – I felt like staying in. Carrie made us breakfast again and it was delicious. Neither of us had anything to do today and it was nice knowing that I had a real day off. I picked up my guitar for the firtst time in weeks but couldn’t think of anything to play so i put it down. this saddened me. We had another nap around 3, had sex and woke up about 5. We were going to go feed the ducks today but we ran out of time. WE went to have dinner with my parents. My parents unsupportive reaction to my decision to apply to UBC really sent me for a spin. When I left there i was feeling sad, depressed, angry, hopeless and frustrated. I guess betrayed as well. Talking to Carrie about it only helped a little. Talking to Ward about it also helped a little. Now I have to go to bed, and I am saddened by this a little because I dhave to go to work tomorrow.
This time of year… Maybe Tom is right. Maybe it is this time of year that makes me depressed which leads me in turn to this mental state I am in now where I do not feel that I can face life. I feel as though I am totally incapable of dealing with what I have before me. Just for clarity, let’s review what it is that is bugging me…
I spent nothing today. I worked for 9 hours at a job, doing something pretty enjoyable that I am exceptionally good at. I worked for a wage that I negotiated for, and I am going to negotiate for more when ever I want to. I ate food for lunch that I made from scratch with my own hands. I had a delicious dinner with my family who I love so much that I cry when I think about it. I had a conversation with my sister that made me feel closer to her. I talked to Breanna about her day. I had a shower to relax and clean myself. I spent nothing today, not a dime. And I gained so much.
July 08, 2007 was my last post!?!?! That’s amazing. A month after that, on August 14, 2007 I flew to Los Angeles. I lived there for just over three months, and it’s a shame that I didn’t keep record of my time there on this blog. One day all memory of it will have evaporated in to the ether and forver lost.
I just finished a sex inventory. It was rigorously thorough and honest – and long. I wrote down every girl or boy I ever had sexual encounters with even if it wasn’t intercourse, even if it was just flirting. I listed them all, gave specific testimony of how I acted in that relationship, and my specific wrongs done to them. I’m now ready to go sit for an hour and look over it, to make sure I haven’t missed anything.
My mind this evening is amazingly quiet for the first time in a long time, perhaps years.
I need to go to LA. I need to fly out of this nest. Vancouver is so small. I need the heat and the beach. I need to cut ties and start new. My band is over and I need a new project in a new city. I have a plan, too. I need to sell some stuff and take my savings and i will have about 7 grand. Buy a ticket to LA. Stay with Thia or Pete for a few weeks. Buy a car for under 2500 bucks. Then look at apartments. Go to a shit load of meetings and put it out there that I need a place to live and work UTT.
I’m so chicken shit though. Here’s what my holdup is: selling that shit, some of it I am attached to. Like my Ampeg SVT. If I sold that I would make like 3200 bucks. But it’s really rare. Other things include the hope that maybe RSD will get back together after our two-week hiatus. I also have a carpentry level exam on the 16th. And I definitely want to go to that and pwn it. Also, how to get my things to LA without looking like I’m moving there. I would take a suitcase and a backpack and my guitar. And that’s it. Holy shit.
is so beautiful. first item on my dream board has been actualized. A vintage white Gibson SG Standard. oh my fucking god. it’s such a nice guitar. It was at Tom Lee for the last few months. I would go in once or twice a week and ask to play it. I have been wanting an SG since I was 13. My friend, Alec had an SG copy and I remember us pretending to be Angus Young in his room with it. I’ve been thinking about it nonestop for the last couple weeks, about actually buying it. and on tuesday i was having a rough day. So i caved and went in and bought it. yay. Just gave it a setup today- oiled the fretboard, polished the finish, polished the metal, put new D’Addario 11-49’s on it, reset the pickups and intonated it. It stays in tune amazingly. epecially considering these are brand new strings. like… it NEVER goes out of tune. rosewood fretboard is my favorite. action is awesome. a slight string buzz still, cause the frets are so warn down. might need a fret dressing in a few months. but otherwise it sounds fucking killer. all those songs that i have been practicing that were 75% there are now 100% there in sound and playability. so stoked.
video shoot yesterday for The Battle, our second single. got doused in buckets of paint. horrible shit to get out of hair. there was a hot young chick there named Sabina. wanna makeout with her bigtime. she’s only 17, though… still weighing my morality.
—————– Original Message —————–
From: D MAQ
Date: 15/05/2007
blasphemy!!!! May God have mercy on you….lol no playing but… really…. how the heck do you suppose we have souls..?.
unless, you really don’t think we have souls?
did souls evolve from apes or something?
Response:
I am assuming that by souls you mean our spiritual dimension. I believe that we are spiritual beings accountable for a physical body here on this planet. I also believe that every animal and living thing has a spiritual dimension. Dogs, horses, insects, trees. This spiritual dimension is essentially energy. It is on a higher plane than our consciousness or our feelings, both of which we often mistake for our spiritual dimension. I’m gonna have to think about your concept of “souls”, though. Because I equate having a soul with having a personal thing that can be redeemed or saved or validated. My idea of our spiritual dimension is more expansive than that and can even transcend bodies and physical limitations explaining how you can feel inexplicably connected or affected by people, thoughts, nature etc. Like a whole spiritual level that we can’t see and can’t even conceive where there are no limits and where every animal and person’ spirit can meld together in a sea of energy transference.
And yes, i do not believe in God yet i do believe in this spiritual field, because i do not believe that one power has ultimate authority in the spiritual field, everything and ultimately everyone is equal with no limits or rules or conditions. yet i can understand when people talk about “God” because they are talking about a ultimate omnipresent power, and i can relate that with my theory of a spiritual field that is everywhere and nowhere and is everything and is in everything.
Now, as for your question about where souls come from. I am going to assume that you mean where does this spitual realm come from, and conversely where do our idividual capacities for spiritual awareness come from, since I have already explained that I do not believe in the term “souls”. I really have no explanation for where this spritual realm came from, how it came to be or when it will end. However I do belive that it is in a constant state of change, and that when our physical bodies perish our spirit can still exist in the spritual dimension. I also believe that while our physical bodies are still alive, our spirits can be so disconected from the great spiritual dimension that we are essentially spritually-void physical facades of beings. Many people live in this state of non-existence.
This is all very wordy, i know. but read it slow and it just migh make sense. i hope you can understand what my consciousness is trying to convey to you.
What’s your belief?
n.
i wish you were still here too. it’s been a fucking awesome week here, dude. fucking unreal.
So, Rob and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain yesterday with a new friend of ours from Vancouver. we rode every single rollercoaster there: Viper, Tatsu twice, DejaVu, Riddler’s Revenge, Batman The Ride, Superman The Ride, and X. By half way through my body was so rocked. I never knew that it was legal for rollercaosters to cause one physical trauma. I feel like i was in 8 car crashes yesterday. They were the coolest rollercoasters I have ever been on, but nonetheless I think I dropped 20 IQ points since yesterday morning. So, this one ride, DejaVu works by first going in reverse at a really high backwards up an incline so the coaster can get it’s speed. then it drops and goes down a really crazy track that does unnatural things to your body and then it hits the endd of the track and does the whole thing again in reverse. Well, about 5 seconds in to the first descent I hit my head on the padded shoulder rest and kinda blacked out. I couldn’t see anything. It was the feeling right before fainting. And it’s really scary being on a rollercoaster and being blind. oh, and rob relapsed on cough medicine at Magic Mountain. He thought it would be a great idea to drink some Robitussin on an empty stomach so that he could try to have an accidental freebee. nice try. he was stoned. it was funny.
just woke up on the couch at Thia’s. I feel awesome. I’m going to go shower and smoke.
I fucking love it here. I want to move here.