whatever and everything

Category: Uncategorized

  • The way I felt on September 22? I don’t feel that way anymore.
    That feeling has since been replaced with a feeling of gratitude for my beautiful, clever, loving wife and my beautiful child. I have everything I need and want for nothing. Sure there may be things that no longer fit in my life but that’s OK. I have come to terms with it and no longer live wishing my life were different. What a goddamn relief. That was the kind of thinking that splits marriages and leaves bastard children.

  • It’s not something you can stop halfway through. It’s like the first time you fuck a girl. You’ve wined and dined her, committed a lot of time and effort in the flirt and the hunt and when the moment comes to fuck and you’ve got her shirt off and you’re making out and your hands are in her pants rubbing that wet pussy and then her pants come off and you go down on her and – uh oh – you smell fish. fucking rotten tuna. you can’t bail! you got no choice! you’ve come this far brother you can’t just take your hat and your coat and leave! no fucking way. You owe it to the chick at this point. It’s now service work. It’s fucking but it’s service work. and That’s what I mean. Sometimes life’s pleasures and lives obligations are cleverly disguised as one another.

  • the rains came last week. i felt their effect of my mood immediately. i think it’s been affecting me since.

    today i’m not feeling okay. isolated. like isolating. not talkative. not able to connect with people – even my wife, even my baby. feel this creeping feeling that i’m on the wrong path. that i shouldn’t be married. that what the fuck was i doing tying myself down like this. that i should be out exploring life and the world. that i am marginalizing myself. marginalized existence. i know life is what i make it and if i don’t like it so much why don’t i change it. well, that’s a hard thing to do and a choice that comes with a million sacrifices. enough sacrifice to be a road block, at least until perhaps my sanity can return.

    i feel though that the sadest part, the thing that makes this whole feeling worse is feeling like i have no one to talk to about it. my wife is too busy with the baby, and thinking about herself and how hard life is for her today to really hear what i’m going through. it’s okay. i’ve gotten used to solitude and coming to terms that there really is no one. we are truly alone and any idications to the contrary are lies and deceipt.

    things that aren’t my life:

    • photojournalist on assignment in africa or asia
    • banging countless dumb whores
    • overseas at some obscure military posting in Cyprus or Kandahar
    • in the Canadian Special Ops
    • posessing a college degree and owning a home, a high-paying job and driving a Range Rover
    • making art in some loft somwhere

  • Change of heart?

    While watching the news last night, conflicts in Libya, revolt in Syria, Bahrain and Yemen, carrie Commented, “why aren’t [the Canadian Forces] going there to fight? We should be helping those people.” I challenged her on it saying, “it’s not our fight. We can’t go messing in other countries’ affairs like we are a world social worker.” She defended her position, “yes we are, we are privileged enough to have a stable gov’t and the resources to be able to help other people that are enslaved and oppressed by their governments. We absolutely have an obligation to go and fight for other’s freedom.”

    I feel hopeful.

    – Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

  • Why?

    Feeling so sad. Not sure why. Is this a creeping depression? Scared of having a baby. Afraid of being married. Afraid of things never changing. Ashamed of the way I am right now – self loathing and bitter. Afraid of not being able to do whatever I want: deploy overseas, be young and full of possibilities, have finished my degree, have a significant and respectable career. All these regrets and fears. I must overcome.

    – Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

  • What I would do if I won the lottery

    Bought a Lotto SuperMax lottery ticket. Draw is friday for 22 million.

    If anything Wayne Dyer said is true I should set out to visualize my goal. What is my goal? To win. Let’s just look at what I would do:

    1. Buy a house or pay off the mortgage for:

    1. Carrie and I – a house in East Vancouver or North Van.
    2. My mom and dad – since they already own, a retirement cottage in Parksville
    3. My brother
    4. My sister
    5. Carrie’s parents, brothers and sister

    2. Go traveling every 4 months – South East Asia, India, China, Europe, Brazil would be top choices.

    3. Continue to work as a carpenter, finish my Red Seal

    4. Go back to school and get my degree; probably an undergrad in Architecture and an MBA.

    5. Sell the old car and buy Carrie a big ass German SUV and a ’69 Challenger.

    6. Pay off all loans and debts for all immediate family members and open a trust in each of their names for $500k a piece maturing at each members respective projected retirement date.

    Well, that takes care of about 14 million. For the rest of the 8 million, I would put it in a long term investment option and forget about it.

    What would you do?

  • Started taking herbal medicine again two days ago in the effort of curing this depression. St. John’s Wort three times a day (30mg x 3) and Gingko Biloba in the morning.

    Noticeable lift in mood Yestyeday and today. Also went to the gym last night and hung out with Briony. Maybe that helped too.

  • Weekend summary

    So, I talked with my consellor and decided that it would be a good idea to styart journelling about my moods. Actually, it was my idea and I passed it by her and she agreed that there would be good merit in tracking my mood cycles. So without further adoo…

    Friday, March 27th
    Went to see The Watchmen with Carrie, Ward and Robin. Felt energetic, youthful and great. REally felt connected to those around me and in the moment.

    Saturday, March 28th
    Today was great. I woke up with Carrie in my bed and we spent much of the morning sleeping late into the day. When we awoke, we were in no rush. I felt calm and collected, like I had unlimited opportunities that day. I was with a person I love and who equally loves me. My home was messy and cluttered but it did not matter. The weather was cloudy with rainy periods. We walked to the grocery store, bought $100 worth of groceries, went home and Carrie made a delicious breakfast of eggs and sausage. We spent the afternoon cleaning the house and then at night hung around the house.

    Sunday, March 29th
    Awoke feeling a little sad at the fact that I have to go abck to work tomorrow. Carrie was a little sad too and this affected me. It was beautifully sunny out. Other than iopening the blinds, I did nothing to enjoy it – I felt like staying in. Carrie made us breakfast again and it was delicious. Neither of us had anything to do today and it was nice knowing that I had a real day off. I picked up my guitar for the firtst time in weeks but couldn’t think of anything to play so i put it down. this saddened me. We had another nap around 3, had sex and woke up about 5. We were going to go feed the ducks today but we ran out of time. WE went to have dinner with my parents. My parents unsupportive reaction to my decision to apply to UBC really sent me for a spin. When I left there i was feeling sad, depressed, angry, hopeless and frustrated. I guess betrayed as well. Talking to Carrie about it only helped a little. Talking to Ward about it also helped a little. Now I have to go to bed, and I am saddened by this a little because I dhave to go to work tomorrow.

  • What else is new.

    This time of year… Maybe Tom is right. Maybe it is this time of year that makes me depressed which leads me in turn to this mental state I am in now where I do not feel that I can face life. I feel as though I am totally incapable of dealing with what I have before me. Just for clarity, let’s review what it is that is bugging me…

    1. Got in a fight with Carrie last night which carried over to tonight’s conversation on the phone which evolved into tonight’s fight on the phone. Her grandmother died two days ago. While I admittedly lack any experience in bereavement support, I have nonetheless did everything I could to show her that I care. Considering the business of our lives lately, this included a brief 2-minute conversation and embrace while I was still half asleep as she left for school at 7am and I still lay asleep, a 10 minute phone call while I was incredibly busy at work, a 10 minute car ride conversation where she expressed some sadness and requested that I stay at her house for the night. She made arrangements to fly to Calgary for the following morning. I had an incredibly stressful day myself at work then my car wouldn;t start after work and I spent an hour in the rain waiting for a jump start all so that I could rush off and spend time showing my sponsee how to do Step 4. Then to the meeting to be of service there. She hadn’t been to a meeting in about 10 days – the longest she had ever gone without a meeting. She also hadn’t eaten in 8 hours and was totally insane. All defects were in full swing, including my favourite, where she tells me that she’s okay with something, like me going and eating with my buddies and then going home to sleep cause she doesn’t feel like eating and come to think of it has lots of her own needs to tend to. I agree, and think to myself, “wow, I am dating such an understanding girl. Even though both our lives are falling apart she has the ability to reccognize that and allow us to both go and deal with our shit. Our love never falters. WRONG. It was infact a manipulative ploy to see whether I would stay or go. Because I left, she later sent me a hateful text telling me essentially that I don’t care for her needs and that I’m selfish, blah blah blah. Come to think of it, we’ve been fighting a lot lately – I would say weekly. If I start blogging again, I will be able to track it.
    2. Work. Hate it. They use me, underpay me. I feel undervalued. I work in a rich company that lavishes other departments and not mine. I feel like the bastard step-child. Cinderella. If I had more money, say $28/hour, would I enjoy it? Hardly. at the end of every day I feel entirely used up. I’m of no use to Carrie after work, and no use to anybody. At the end of every day I feel angry at people, irritable, resentful at my work and the state of my life, trapped in a job where I feel undervaluedd and overworked.
    3. The state of my Finances. I do not make enough money to support everything. Rent, gas, clothing, food, phone bill, visa bill, financing, savings. I can’t keep up. I am constantly drowning. CRA is hounding me for proof of my 2006 income.
    4. MSP is hounding me for payments to my long overdue MSP premiums. I can’t pay this until CRA gets off my back. I don’t know what to do.
    5. I have been waiting to move in to my new house for months. Rob keeps pushing the date for move-in and it’s driving me mad.
    6. I want to travel. I want to be doing something other than what I’m doing right now. But what else it new.

  • New Event

    Posted with LifeCast