Category: Uncategorized

short story: Ya know, I never get tempted. I completely lost the desire to get high or get drunk after about 4 months sober.

the long story: I had been trying to control my drug use since about 2003. I went to a $10,000 treatment center… started going to Alcoholics Anonymous regularly, and was still getting high. I just couldn’t seem to stop altogether no matter how badly i wanted to or no matter how many times I said “never again”. Eventually, on March 11 2005 I did my last bag of meth, called my sponsor in AA and actually started doing the steps with him. While I always thought the whole 12 step thing was a load of bullshit and purely academic, i was at that point willing to try anything to stop the seemingly endless cycle of getting high and regretting it and not getting anywhere in life. After about 4 months of stopping I found that I hadn’t thought about meth at all for a few days. And then that turned into a week, and then a month and the thought never returned. I can only attribute this to a change in my thoughts, feelings and reactions to life that were brought about by doing those steps. I mean, of course I “think” about it from time to time, but I no longer have that uncontrollable, all-consuming urge to get high for which i would sell my soul 😉 Anyway, it’s no cakewalk. Living completely sober has been tough and there’s a lot of shit that has been hard to not get high over. But I guess that different set of thoughts, feelings and reactions to life allows me to get though what I would have gotten high over.

I want a new laptop. Deciding between a Mac Air and a Macbook Pro. Or whatever they’re calling them these days.

Work is great these days. Karl seems to be grooming me for more of a management position. I only am able to get about 8 hours of actual work done a week – cutting material, installing material – the rest of the time I am running from jobsite to jobsite (I am managing 4 currently – Nuba, Balsam, 40th, 16th), meeting with and talking with subtrades, and assigning work to labourers and carpenters. It’s satisfying work and I seem to be alright at it.

I talked to Karl about the prospect of pursuing the Bachelor of Techniology in COnstruction Management Program at BCIT. He advised that he would hire someone with 10 years experience in construciton management over someone who took a program. I understand that. I am still going to write a recomendation letter for him to authorize for my meeting with the program director.

Carrie and I had a huge fight all last weekend. The dust has settled since and everything feel sgood again. The circumstances of our quarrels are never the important part. Last week it was about money, that i hadn’t told her how much money I owe in taxes. Also, that I didn’t get up with Rowan Sunday morning. Either way, she scared me more than she ever had. She yelled and physicually threatened me. It was terrifying. In the immediate aftermath, I felt so sad. I was sure that our relationship would never last. I hated that I would end up comprimising my wants and my security so that Rowan could have a mom and dad. I wouldn’t leave her no matter how bad it got between Carrie and I.

I just love Rowan so much. She is such a good girl. and she is growing so fast. She can sit on her playmat for as long as she wants. She’s p[laying with her toys, watching Dinosaur Train, babbling. She’s on solid foods now. Her hair is coming in curly!

Carrie isn’t into AA meetings anymore. She finds them “boring” and “hates going to them”. It’s been a struggle the last few months trying to encourage her to go to meetings. 4 weeks ago she finally committed to a wednesday night meeting and made it her home group. the following week when it was time to go to her meeting she decided at the last minute to not go. I have tried to tell her that we don’t really have a choice whether we want to go to meetings or not – part of our responsibility as sober alcoholics and that if either of us put anything else before meetings we will lose that stuff first when we relapse.

She says that without meetings she will still be fine – siting her sponsor and her sober friends as her connection to sobriety and the AA way of life…

Last night she told me, “come on, nick. We both know we’re not in to AA anymore”. I disagreed, pointed out the commitments I have to my sponsee Scott, my bi-weekly commitment running a step group at Turning Point and going to Golden Key at least every two weeks.

Of course I imagine that within a couple years of not going to meetings she will inevitably see drinking as a good idea and when that happens I fear I won’t like the new drinking Carrie. What will I do then? Is this part of the “through sickness and health” piece?

Am i wrong in thinking relapse is an inevitability of not going to meetings?
Am I being codependant in trying to get her to go to meetings or just a caring, worried husband?
How does this change our relationship if suddenly one of us stops going to meetings? Starts drinking?

The way I felt on September 22? I don’t feel that way anymore.
That feeling has since been replaced with a feeling of gratitude for my beautiful, clever, loving wife and my beautiful child. I have everything I need and want for nothing. Sure there may be things that no longer fit in my life but that’s OK. I have come to terms with it and no longer live wishing my life were different. What a goddamn relief. That was the kind of thinking that splits marriages and leaves bastard children.

It’s not something you can stop halfway through. It’s like the first time you fuck a girl. You’ve wined and dined her, committed a lot of time and effort in the flirt and the hunt and when the moment comes to fuck and you’ve got her shirt off and you’re making out and your hands are in her pants rubbing that wet pussy and then her pants come off and you go down on her and – uh oh – you smell fish. fucking rotten tuna. you can’t bail! you got no choice! you’ve come this far brother you can’t just take your hat and your coat and leave! no fucking way. You owe it to the chick at this point. It’s now service work. It’s fucking but it’s service work. and That’s what I mean. Sometimes life’s pleasures and lives obligations are cleverly disguised as one another.

the rains came last week. i felt their effect of my mood immediately. i think it’s been affecting me since.

today i’m not feeling okay. isolated. like isolating. not talkative. not able to connect with people – even my wife, even my baby. feel this creeping feeling that i’m on the wrong path. that i shouldn’t be married. that what the fuck was i doing tying myself down like this. that i should be out exploring life and the world. that i am marginalizing myself. marginalized existence. i know life is what i make it and if i don’t like it so much why don’t i change it. well, that’s a hard thing to do and a choice that comes with a million sacrifices. enough sacrifice to be a road block, at least until perhaps my sanity can return.

i feel though that the sadest part, the thing that makes this whole feeling worse is feeling like i have no one to talk to about it. my wife is too busy with the baby, and thinking about herself and how hard life is for her today to really hear what i’m going through. it’s okay. i’ve gotten used to solitude and coming to terms that there really is no one. we are truly alone and any idications to the contrary are lies and deceipt.

things that aren’t my life:

• photojournalist on assignment in africa or asia
• banging countless dumb whores
• overseas at some obscure military posting in Cyprus or Kandahar
• in the Canadian Special Ops
• posessing a college degree and owning a home, a high-paying job and driving a Range Rover
• making art in some loft somwhere

While watching the news last night, conflicts in Libya, revolt in Syria, Bahrain and Yemen, carrie Commented, “why aren’t [the Canadian Forces] going there to fight? We should be helping those people.” I challenged her on it saying, “it’s not our fight. We can’t go messing in other countries’ affairs like we are a world social worker.” She defended her position, “yes we are, we are privileged enough to have a stable gov’t and the resources to be able to help other people that are enslaved and oppressed by their governments. We absolutely have an obligation to go and fight for other’s freedom.”

I feel hopeful.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Feeling so sad. Not sure why. Is this a creeping depression? Scared of having a baby. Afraid of being married. Afraid of things never changing. Ashamed of the way I am right now – self loathing and bitter. Afraid of not being able to do whatever I want: deploy overseas, be young and full of possibilities, have finished my degree, have a significant and respectable career. All these regrets and fears. I must overcome.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bought a Lotto SuperMax lottery ticket. Draw is friday for 22 million.

If anything Wayne Dyer said is true I should set out to visualize my goal. What is my goal? To win. Let’s just look at what I would do:

1. Buy a house or pay off the mortgage for:

1. Carrie and I – a house in East Vancouver or North Van.
2. My mom and dad – since they already own, a retirement cottage in Parksville
3. My brother
4. My sister
5. Carrie’s parents, brothers and sister

2. Go traveling every 4 months – South East Asia, India, China, Europe, Brazil would be top choices.

3. Continue to work as a carpenter, finish my Red Seal

4. Go back to school and get my degree; probably an undergrad in Architecture and an MBA.

5. Sell the old car and buy Carrie a big ass German SUV and a ’69 Challenger.

6. Pay off all loans and debts for all immediate family members and open a trust in each of their names for $500k a piece maturing at each members respective projected retirement date.

Well, that takes care of about 14 million. For the rest of the 8 million, I would put it in a long term investment option and forget about it.

What would you do?