Category: Uncategorized

I had a spiritual experience.

Rotated

down a foreign axis

uncomfortable deliverance to something of an

unmistakably and pivotal shift of perspective.

Awareness and honest wisdom

the mother to myself.

fallen now and tangled up in

my unacquainted version.







Finally i experienced something new.

From that experience, whatever it was, I still am aware of a moment of self-realization i experienced unlike anything felt before;




I saw as clearly as a simple thought, that my memorable history in life had been lived in a singular, narrow perspective.

i gained awareness of parallel perspectives of time, all happening simultaneously and equally accessible, but only one accessible at one time.

Bands of fluid colour, like ribbons coloured and visually distinguishable flew through the air before me, around the heads of the others in the room and i marveled at their intricacy and profoundness.







I first became aware that my past and current state of awareness is but one perspective and as dynamic beings, we are able to alter and change this awareness thereby affecting our entire basis upon which we view, judge, interact, evaluate, love, hate, act and live in this collective virus called existence.




After becoming aware of this i felt insecure,

as if i had been in a trance or a voodoo spell my entire life.

Unable to see the world differently because the perspective

by which the world was received had not changed.

That the world could potentially become a positive place,

if i altered my mind to see it as such.




There i was, thinking all very deeply

about the unearthed truth of my life’s stale perspective

and my inability to use my head to change my head

because my head is my head and that would be like

an eyeball trying to look at itself.

I was sure that to alter my perspective – to achieve a complete psychic overhaul, i most certainly could not render this action on myself with my own power.

But what came over me was a rapid transition to an alternate awareness.




I thought maybe this was just an epiphany… That’s what i told myself at first anyway. Rarely do random moments of understanding have such strong effects and deep consequences.




As of now, what i still retain from this experience about three days ago is the belief that the mind governing this body through which i exercise the manifestations of that mind is itself not dependable, not stable and that no thought, no idea is too “wild a fantasy” to possibly have some truth. i think instead now that perhaps nothing can not exist if i can believe it to exist. that a new awareness becomes a new awareness simply the moment i become aware of it. it certainly would seem that in this intricate and intricately designed channeling of mind and spiritual powers especially where the two cross could not be a product of input from the person affected, but instead seems much more plausible that there is in fact a omnipotent intangible network of governing bodies, laws, beings (or whatever other term applies to your particular experience) directing our minds state of consciousness, awareness and perception.




Perhaps beyond this awaits a genuine spiritual connection and freedom from the slavery which my mind has not the power to see out of.

you love me. you care for me. you provide all that i need. you are all-wise. i trust you. you believe in me. you are strong and protect me. you are motivated. yo give me motivation. you are sensitive to my emotions. you are creative. you are artistic. you are brave. you are respectful of me. you have shown courage that is rare. your scope and definition is infinite. you are good looking. you are proud of me. you can comfort me. by you i am entertained and never bored. you are hip. you inspire me. you fuel my creativity and through creative expression you fuel me. i see you everywhere all the time. you have empathy for my every worry. you listen well. you are interested in me. you “have it all together”. you are hot. you are a bad-ass. you have experience. you are talented. you are famous. you are rich. you are well respected. i would consider you a genius. you are dark and light. you are positive. you excel at everything you do. you have no follies, fears or handicaps. you have been and are helpful to me. you are satisfied. you are confident.

like you,

like this,

I strive

and pray

to become.

when i am you

you will be me.

Blogger was broken for a week and then after that kind of fell out of touch. To those who actually check my blog – sorry for the lapse in time.

The new A Perfect Circle album is really good. Makes me want to make music again.

Looking for a live-in studio space in Gastown or the Lower Eastside. Needs to be expansive and inexpensive. Trying to make art and music and design in a two bedroom appartment has had it’s day. Need more space to fly.

My external hard drive gave up the ghost. Superblock is fucked and there goes 6 months of data from school, recording and other projects. Feels kind of refreshing to wipe away the past and only concern myself with what lies ahead – namely, designing some things worthy of inclusion in a portfolio project due sometime in April 2005.

Blue candycanes are good. Remind me of being a child and eating those candycane-like candy sticks sold in glass jars, the highlight of going shopping with my mom.

Found a stash on a BCIT server of 197 movies and most importantly, thirty episodes of Twin Peaks with Swedish subtitles.

Auditioned today at a cast call for an upcoming BC reality show called Kick Butt…. following the chronicles of 5 people trying to quit smoking. I think I will be in it. The chances are high. oh yeah – i guess i have to try to quit smoking if i get on. shit….

i’m starting to piss myself off…

again.

i wanted to run away with you.

we both have always dreamed that

in a tropical climate away from here

we could be happy – be together.

but here stays the same

regardless of time or space.

and always when it bores me

my perspective convinces me to stay.

i spin in circles.

find comfort in the predictability

of spirals + spiralling.

Up early on a Saturday. It’s my mom’s birthday today. Having lunch with the whole fam. Gotta go pickup a cake and flowers before i go.

B slept over last night. I miss sleeping with someone. She looks so healthy and gorgeous. Couldn’t stop touching her skin.

Got the new Prodigy album at “the store”. When i listened to it before it sounded really comercialized. I guess it sort of is, but a few of the tracks are tight.

exerpts from my talk with Cube…

i never have anything to say to people.

cause they usually don’t understand.

need to meet more drug addicted, computer obsessed people.

all i ever have to talk about is how shitty i really feel or how to do X in whatever language i’m working with… ActionScript, Lingo and lately,MySQL and PHP.

yeah. i mean… well, it’s complicated. i’m sure i’ll write about it in my blog.

I was at my old room-mate’s house a few days ago and found this looking through our old pictures… just reminiscing… i wonder what happened to that hat.

Spent all night reading an article on PHP & MySQL. Installed MySQL server on my PowerBook and after setting a root password got myself locked out…

Smoked a bunch of cigarettes, ate some cookies.

Tomorrow night, B gets out of treatment for the weekend and she’s coming here to stay over. Super excited to see her. Haven’t gotten laid since she went in. Gonna fuck like bunnies in Spring…. if that’s when they fuck a lot. Who knows?

Listening to a lot of Aesop Rock lately. wicked wicked.

Just set up my first active blog. Hopefully this will end up not sucking. Maybe i should inroduce myself….

I’m a 20 year old artist named Nokin. I live in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. I’m not really sure how or when I became an “artist”. I consider it a life philosophy and lifestyle more than anything else… going back as far as i can remember. This title was made legitimate since i started showing my work (the manifestation of my thoughts and feelings) publicly, both in galleries and online.

I spend the majority of my life these days on my computer. I am currently in a New Media program at BCIT, which requires i spend a lot of time building and designing things for the web.

K, enough for now.