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nokin, the dark and El Kartel present…

The tool that saved our place from burning down.

New work by me and the dark at El Kartel this Saturday…

It’s been raining for so long… Or, I guess I remember it being nice out… Now I’m talking about the weather, which is inherently lame, but Hastings is oh so much grosser when it’s raining.

Saw a syringe yesterday on the sidewalk… Had a thought of taking in to the needle exchange for a fresh one, but i kept walking.

As the days pass my spiritual connection seems to whither. I’ve relapsed a lot. I know a lot about what it feels like to be clean and get high and get clean and get high and get clean and get high. I don’t have the same experience as those in the fellowship who have been clean since they first were told–that there is a solution to their problems dealing with life that lead to the necessity to ‘medicate’ with drugs to feel okay. I’ve had glimpses of this solution. But I suppose I’ve always lacked a certain faith in the solution, that it will work, which i think is very necessary for it to even work. A fucking leap of faith. But back to what i was talking about about the whithering connection… This connection is really the core of the solution for me. If I don’t have to deal with life, if there’s some power that I’m connected to on a spiritual level I can cope with life. But as time goes on, I get really busy sober. I wake up usually not too stoked to be alive, usually not too stoked to have to deal with life. But then I am barraded by requests and jobs to do stuff. This never happened to me while using. I used to wake up and wonder how my life got to be so shitty. Then I would spend all my time finding ways to distract from and deal with my crazed head. This usually involved drugs cause they worked really well for this for a while. And I would do whatever, whoever to get them…. blah blah blah…. shudup nick

Been playing drums a lot lately. Well, the past few days- the extent of my RAM. what a geek. My right hand is ripped and covered in blisters. It feels really fucking good to be playing again. Tonight a few friends and I jammed at Pete’s studio down Hastings. There was a few times when we really sounded good… And i dreamed of our future in a band, on tour, in the studio, the common bond amongst us, the freeflow of creativity. It also filled me with fear. I am affraid of being inadequate. >>>>>

I am becoming painfully vulnerable lately. A total anxiety case. Afraid of so much. It’s as if all my fears are rising to the surface and exposed for all to toy with. I am grateful I have friends who care about me. Who really care to help me. Who really don’t want to hurt me. I do the same for them. Brotherly/sisterly love. Feels good.

This is getting long.

lunch at Ikea: 20 Swedish meatballs with potatoes and 5 double shot espressos.

DnB party in April is not gonna happen till May… There’s too many jungle events going on in April so we figure postponing our party till May will allow the Vancouver junglists time to rest and save their beer/jib money for an event in May.

Having problems installing Logic 6.7 and Pro Tools 6 on a brand new G5. Some sort of compatibility issue. Giving me great ideas for a company i’d like to start.

Love will tear us apart, again… some say it’s not love, some say it’s love if I say it is.
it was and is.

Have a show at El Kartel next Saturday with ‘the dark’ under the collaborative name “deadEmpire”. Need to spend the next hour designing a flyer for the show.

School is almost over… two more weeks. I’m getting feared. Afraid i will not be able to get my dream job working in a visual/graphics house getting 5k a month to design. I deserve it, i have the talent. My fear is compelling me to stress out about it and get cracking looking for work… I’m just letting it work itself out. As soon as I got off dope and let go of trying to control my need for an internship I was offered one with the top producer for CBC Radio 3

Watched a CBC documentary on meth in BC. It was really lame and made me angry about society’s view on the situation. May rant about this later.

I have 21 days off dope/booze today.

You called while I was talking to my sponsor about you. I was panicking about my fears, asking his advice on how to be in a relationship and not be scared. He told me that I’m a good guy with talent and a really great heart and huge potential. He told me that I’m on the right track, that I’m putting my sobriety infront of everything and that what I’m going through is life. He told me to relax and do good. I told him I appreciated it, and that what I’m trying to do is intelectualize the outcome of something I haven’t even experienced yet. He agreed.
I called you back after I hung up with him and you asked if I would come sleep at your house tonight after I finish all my shit.
I said, “I’ll call you back after I meditate.”
You said, “Okay.”
I said, “Sorry, I am fucked up and may be confusing.”
You said, “It’s okay, go be healthy.”
And i tried to believe that you were telling the honest truth.

Did my step 3 formally yesterday with my sponsor. Got down on my fucking knees and prayed. I have found it necessary over the past 18 days to do this a lot. It used to seem hokey and pointless. But now I am very sure that if i run my life based on my will I’m fucked. I’ve proved this to myself over and over again. My will, that is to say my actions and reactions to life are derived from a set of instincts that have become whack, ineffective at producing good results. And by good results I mean a state of being that I can live comfortably with.
So all this means that I have been getting through the last 18 days clean by praying a lot. I have been praying to rid myself of the chaos in my mind surrounding how I should deal with situations that arise. I pray in the morning saying, “god, please show me what to do today. Shut me up and show me what to do, cause I don’t know what to do.” Then I say that prayer a lot during the day when I’m unsure of how to react to a situation, be it whether to go to school, how to deal with money, how to deal with people, and most importantly when I feel my will taking direction of my life.
I also pray when i feel angry. I just stop focus on this all-powerful energy and say in my head, “god, save me from being angry. Help me to see this person as sick and show me how i can be of service to them.”
I’m really stoked on this whole new way of dealing with life. It makes my days a lot easier to deal with and actually quite enjoyable. I’m starting to resent myself now… but it’s the truth.

In no particular order:

1. Wizard Of Oz
2. Little Women
3. Home Alone
4. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
5. Honey I Shrunk the Kids
6. Back to the Future
7. Little Spies
8. Shiver and Shake
9. The Princess Who Never Laughed
10. The Music Man

not talking to you is so painful. it’s more painful than coming off this shit and more painful than anything i’ve ever experienced. i can’t stop thinking about you, when i wake up, when i go to sleep and all through the day you’re always on my mind. i love you, briony. I know we are going to get healthy. i know i will see you again. i know we have a future together. fuck, i love you.

Okay…. so, about a month has passed and i haven’t put anything new up since i bought this cursed really really amazingly good game. Oh well. If we ever start fighting each other with cavalry and spears again, i’d command the finest phalanx in Vancouver…. yay me. w00t

the real reason i’m back on is that everyone has been hastling me to post more on this blog. i don;t know why… i don;t really think any body reads it. not like i ever write anything important here.

things in my bag:
carton of cigarettes
orange juice
cold pack
a cloth bag my mom sewed me in two minutes before i left to put the coldpack in.
my sunglasses (cause it was then nighttime)

I am sick. getting over the flu.slept for four days

i conned Briony in to sleeping over last night. forgot i had left her in my bed. she was still there when i went to bed 4 hours later. pleasant for me.

i hate how old people always emphasize technological words that have become commonplace words in the past twenty years…. like how they put emphasis on “Internet” in a phrase or say that iPhoto is really slick… cause i hate iPhoto…. i think it’s a shitty piece of software. it’s contributed to losing or deleting my old library of 4000+ photos. if you can feel my frustration, check out iView Media Pro. I’m sure you can download it at “the store”…. *wink.wink*…. “the store”…..

Oh. I moved. I moved in a couple weeks ago. I now live in the land of the crackhead. Wonderful backyard. Put together a drum n bass afterparty last friday for the DJ Lush show at the Met. We had about 200 people in our place i think. Still didn’t make rent. arghh. fuckit. Just wanna steal Briony and run away to Maui. bye.