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I have the constant smell of curry in my nose. Almost two weeks and I haven’t smoked. Daily my nose evacuates chunks and shreds of unidentifiable yellow and bloody extrement.I figure there is a war going on in my sinuses and the carnage is migrating south out my nose. Inside, all i can feel is scar tissue from a career of snorting glass shards. Disgusting.

I’m reading Permanent Midnight by Jerry Stahl. I’m fond of books written by drug addicts. This particular one is an autobiography of the writer’s experience as a junkie television writer in Hollywood. Pretty cool.

In a position where I can’t just commit to a girl who I love and who loves me back. We would be good together. What is holding me back? The trap that are committed relationships. I wouldn’t be able to fuck whoever I want whenever I want. I wouldn’t be able to feel I could sleep with whoever I want whenever it proves convenient. I think I’m sick. I mean, I know I’m sick. I just don’t know what the fucking cure is yet for my need to be validated by every woman in my life. God help me.

I feel like I’ve manipulated everyone… I have guilt when other people are upset as a result of my actions. I’ve tried to be honest…. I don’t know how well mere honesty is working for me.

I don’t know what I want.
I want to fuck everyone.
I want to be everywhere.
I want all the love.
I can’t bear what my mind tells me I am.
When I close my eyes and have a brief moment of serenity, I see you.
Does that mean I’m supposed to stay close to you?
I’ve lead myself astray before.
We seem like we’re meant to be together.
And then I push you away.
I fuck it up.
And we both avoid each other.
Till one of us breaks the silence.
Dialogue, and then everythings okay for a while.
And we again seem like we’re meant to be together.
Until I push you away.

You are so perfect for me.
You are exactly what I need.
You could teach me so much.
We would look so good together,
people have told me so.
A part of me wants to choose
you to be my one and only cause
You are so perfect for me.
and then you told me that you really like me.
That I am perfect for you.
We both naturally want to withdrawl.
You scare the shit out of me.
I don’t want to be so close.
But i do.

When you’re lost in the woods
It’s best to stay put and wait for help.

This week has been a fucking acid trip.
I stopped smoking last wednesday. When I wake up in the morning I will have a week off smoking… almost… aside from a cigar and two smokes, all of which were the direct result of the fucking assload of stress that three parties in one week naturally incur upon a human being. Check out the rationalization. Fuck yeah.

The first few days felt like an acid trip. I seriously was delerious and fucked up. Intense mood swings and abnormal reactions to things… I wanted to kill. I’ve dreamt of guns every night since I quit. Loud loud Nine Inch Nails assist with the withdrawal.

took two month chip last night. two months off fucking dope. yay. Saw briony the other day on Main Street. It was weird to see her. I didn’t even recognize her and it’s only been 6 weeks. I was happy she was alive. I wish she was well. I wish she could believe me. I wish she could believe these aren’t headgames. Just read my post “First time in 5 weeks” that I posted exactly a week before this occurance. Funny how a week later I actually ran in to you. I imagined what you went off to do after we ran in to each other. I wonder now if you imagined what it was I went off to do.

I do my step 5 this friday. I go to Idaho this weekend. I am madly trying to finish my step 4 before friday. I am relieved that my flatmate/wife told me not to worry about the cleanup from the party, that i should just worry about my step 4. What changed? I am curious as to what in him changed. I would have figured he would struggle to force me to clean the place, me all the while struggling the more to resist control. It was a relief to just be allowed the space to exercise free will.

I wonder if those cops actually revoked my BC Liquor Licencee. Hmm. I think that Irish cop was full of shit. 200 people in the alley. 400 people inside on a liquor license for 180. serving after 2am. noise complaints from the hotel up on Pender. And a grudge.

The party went well. We made a whack of cash – the most cash we’ve made at a party since New Years. We are hosting another party on Thursday- a fashion show, and another one on Saturday- the Emily Carr grad party, Master of Puppets.

I’m at her house and it feels good to know we are going to sleep together, her body close to mine. Some weirdness is going on… You and Her met face to face at the party. Up till then, you both knew each other as just names. Introduced, I was surprised that you two didn’t claw each other’s throats out. I was amazed you guys hugged. I hope that I have been honest in my dealings with you both, so that no weirdness or hurt would come to any of us. I felt strange nonetheless. Strange perhaps because it was an unfamiliar situation. An entirely new set of experiences and entirely new reactions to the events unfolding. It seems this city is just too small for this to have not happened. Last night, I could only sit in the back of the car and laugh to myself at the situation – both of you sitting together, passenger and driver… I could feel the awkwardness but we all were denying it, because in theory it should not have been weird at all.

Three people, with boundaries particular to those relationships uncommon to the norms of our society… Our society dictates how we should behave- verbally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically with each other in the context of predefined relationships. I say fuck those norms, they don’t work for me. I want to define the context of my relationships. Naturaly an outsider, indoctrinated in the beliefs of this sociology, would think these relationships strange. They would think they are absurd, dangerous and unmoral. And the effect that the percieved judgement we imagine these people to have of us is what makes this weird. It is not the actual context that is strange… it is the feeling of difference… that this is something that normally doesn’t occur in our society. this is something different, something I have not experienced, and until I have experienced it, it will seem foreign. Until I have dealt with myself so that I may not be so nfluenced by other people’s opinion and thoughts of me, it will seem strange.

You appeared in my dream last night. You hadn’t in a long time. Makes sense. I couldn’t stop thinking about you yesterday and i really didn’t want to be thinking of you. It makes me sad. It makes me nostalgic and think maybe things were good. I know they were good sometimes. Most times as long as i was deluded enough to think of it that way. But you were in my dream last night. The first time I had actually seen you in 5 weeks. I was happy to see you and you probably were too. But we didn’t let each other know it. We both stubbornly resisted showing any affection. We spoke in words that would not indicate the closeness we once felt with each other. Typically lame questions. Typically shallow answers. Remembering what you had last told me – to stay away – I offered to leave. I lied and told you I wouldn’t mind leaving if you wanted me to. You replied with the unfavourable answer,”would you mind?” I was momentarily silent and confused. But I could tell you wanted me to leave. So I turned and left suddenly ejecting me from my dream. I wanted back there. I wish I hadn’t offered to leave.

Party this weekend at the studio. Really stressed. Really fucked up emotionally and mentally. Crippled. Handicapped. When your own thinking fails you there’s only one thing to do… pray and stop thinking.

fucking fucking fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck
fuck you fuck you
fucking fucker
fuck me fuck you
fuck fuck fuck

I was gonna quit smoking on Sunday but I didn’t. I did smoke a lot less and I have pretty much cut my smoking in half… half a pack a day as oppose to a pack a day.

I’m having trouble sleeping. It takes me a while to fall asleep, even with being really tired. Then, when i do get to sleep, I wake up every hour or so and if the disruption is loud enough I will just stay awake. Which is why I’m up now. But this is good, because I have lots of stuff to do.

The new best place on Hastings to eat is at the Carnegie Public Library. Upstairs there’s a cafeteria and they serve really good food for practically nothing cause it’s government subsidized. Lunch is $1.50 and dinner is $2.50 or something like that. Props to JR for exposing me to this fine establishment.

6 (six) motherfucking parties at our space in the month of May. This is good for $$$ but also a pain in the ass cause it’s going to involve so much cleaning and night-of-the-event stress. Nevertheless, it’s by far the easiest and most enjoyable way to make rent. And with 6 parties, we should be able to make rent for at least a couple months.

Ernestly trying to finish my Step Four. I need to or else I am positive I will use again and I really don’t want to.

I had a thought during a really lame meeting tonight. I think it’s pretty retarded that AA validates sobriety by time spent not using drugs/alcohol. Drugs and alcohol are but symptoms of the problem. I drank and smoked to cope with life. My disease manifests itself in many ways. Perhaps the most destructive to myself and others was my using. But it just kind of pisses me off that people can stay off drugs for a really long time and still be really spiritually and mentally ill. It pisses me off because I understand this and am working towards changing myself spiritually whereas those with over a year clean are seen as “healthy” but really are more often than not more fucked than me.