When i ask for Carrie to tidy up after herself in the bathroom, it triggers her and she will always become defensive and say “i don’t ooint out all the shit that you do that bugs me [cause I know you’re doing the best you can, and you should also not point the shit that i do that bugs you because you should just realise i’m doing the best I can…
Interpretation: When I ask her to tidy up her stuff, she hears “you’re not doing enough, you’re not good enough, I don’t appreciate you. I’m going to leave you.” which causes her to react as if “if you’re going to leave me then I’m going to tell you all the shit that you do that bothers me that I don’t complain about” so that I’m not at fault here.
Her defensive rebuttals:
“I never complain about anything you leave lying around.”
“You are just as messy as me.”
“I never ask you for anything.”
“I never come to you for emotional support. I know that you don’t have any emotional support to give me, so i go to my friends for that.”
“You yell at the kids too.”
“I clean up just as much as you do.”
“You think that you are so good at everything.”
“you’re always telling me how you are better than me at XYZ.”
Mocking how I speak.
“You haven’t even once acknowledged how difficult this [nursing school] has been for me and how much of an accomplishment it has been.”
Scenario:
Me: “I am having a difficult time managing all the demands on me. Working full time while also taking care of the kids on summer break, their dropoffs and pickups, AND trying to do the laundry, keep the house tidy, cook, buy supplies, fix and maintain things, plan the future, handle our finances. I have a bunch of accounting work to do but can’t seem to find the time to fit it in.”
Her: “Yeah Nick. I do all the laundry, tidy house, cook and take care of the kids too AND am in school. You don’t see me complaining about all the things that I have to do. If you need something then just tell me and I’ll do it for you. Don’t complain and mope around acting like you’re so hard done by. It sounds like you’re blaming me for everything – for the house not being tidy, for not doing more.”
Me: “You are sounding a bit defensive. I wasn’t asking for any help from you in particular. I just wanted to tell you how I was feeling, and that I am feeling at my max.”
Her: “Then I’ll watch the kids so you can go work.”
Me: “I am not really asking for that. I don’t need a certain amount of hours of time to get this work done. I was just telling you how I was feeling. And I know we are both doing all we can to stay on top of the house chores and the kids.”
“When you are at work during the week Monday to Friday and the kids are at home over the summer, it means that I have to watch the kids AND try to work remotely at the same time AND do all the other house stuff. Compared to when you are at work, you are physically at work and can be 100% at work. And when you are not at work, you are 100% not at work and can be fully engaged in taking care of the kids and the house stuff.”
Her: “Yeah, that’s why when I need childcare I set it up in advance. I don’t know why you aren’t doing that.”
Me: “Yes, I need to do that. That would solve the problem. And when you are done your practicum and working and actually getting paid, we can afford a housekeeper or nanny or some sort of help.”
Her: “Yeah.”
Me: “Until then, I don’t know how to stay on top of the housework. Maybe we all just need to tidy up after ourselves better.”
Her: “I feel like I am.”
Me: “well, the bathroom… I don’t even want to bring it up… But you still leave your stuff on the bathroom counter like everyday.” (trigger)
Her: “You know what? You leave your shit on the bathroom sink too and I don’t say anything, I just clean it up because I’m like, “Nick is doing the best he can, I’m going to be a nice person and just clean up after him.” Instead you just point out all the things I do wrong. I can’t do anything good enough for you. You act like your shit doesn’t stink, like you don’t leave your shit lying around all over the house too.”
Me: “I do? Where? Point out where I leave my shit lying around if it bothers you and I will clean it up. I don’t want to bother you and if I’m doing something that annoys you, I want to stop doing that.”
Her: Pointing to two bins of sewing supplies in the hallway, “Those bins over there of whatever that is and this pile of stuff on this trunk.”
Me: “Oh okay, yes, that bothers me too. I just didn’t really know where to put that stuff cause it has no home. I will move that stuff.
Her: “See but that stuff doesn’t bother me because I don’t care about it! I don’t care if you leave stuff lying around because I recognize everything you do and cut you some slack.”
Me: “Oh, well then it’s not the same as your bathroom mess. That DOES bother me, which is why I pointed it out. If my stuff lying around doesn’t bother you, then it’s not the same. You do this everytime I bring up your bathroom mess. You immediately get defensive and point out shit that I do but then say how it DOESN’T bother you, implying that what you do shouldn’t bother you either. Well, we aren’t the same person and I think it’s okay that we have different needs from each other.