Category: Uncategorized

I like to cook sometimes.

Yet you still find it necessary
to give me those looks acting so very
bewildered by the hurt that you’ve caused

try to disinfect me
stitched up in synthetic concern
the side effects are temporary
and it’s the only way you’ll learn

the detachment is the solution, not the problem.

and i figure that if what really bothers me about x and y relationship is my dependency upon her and the resulting disapointment then maybe i should just disconnect.

I felt the same way with you until it was discussed openly and honestly and I could detach and boundaries were set.

i guess i’ve just been thinking a lot about the company i keep and how much i loathe it so much of the time because of the expectation i place on it to change the way i feel or to have it not change the way i feel and for it to affect me regardless. it’s bullshit. i want it to stop. it’s fucking killing me inside. so… i dunno. i guess i’m really detaching from everyone. So that’s what I’ve been doing, detaching, becoming the master of myself and spending any free time i do have by myself, writing, recording songs, reading, cooking.

i can’t deal with being controlled by other peoples intetntional or unintentional influence upon me.

i see it as me becoming more independant, stronger as an individual. if i can take care of myself, my own internal then maybe i’ll actually have something to contribute to the relationships i am in.

i rarely find human connection an amazing thing. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. Up till I was 15 or so I hardly ever hung out with friends after school like the other kids. I preferred to be alone. Companionship has always been a stress and a chore.

watching you two in your interactions, your cute glances and kissy faces makes me sad cause i want someone to care that much about me (even though it may look unhealthy to me at times). But i know that that jelousy is my own defect.

but i think a lot of my fear surrounding our relationship (and others) comes back to this dependancy thing. like i really don’t know how to be emotionally detatched and unneedy in relationships. so, i am reluctant to trust you cause i know that means giving you the power to make me feel like shit.

on other dependancy issues… i miss breanna. but maybe i think i don’t miss her.

i miss the idea of having someone thinking about me all the time, mad about me, giving me attention, affection.

i wouldn’t call her. she doesn’t want to hear from me.

it’s not about her then, it’s about me. but even if it is about me, the way i feel, it is still caused by her:

i think we’re interconnected, right. it’s not like it’s never anyone else’s fault. other people totally “fault” me all the time. “fault” is a perceptional thing. to them they’re not faulting me. but to me they are. but that only occurs cause something in me is being affected by their actions. but they are their actions, they always are. they just can’t really be blamed.

still whacking off a lot?
‘d rather get myself off than use someone else to do it.
i’m better at it.
i am so celebate it’s sick.

If they kill you on their TV
You’re a martyr and a Lamb of God.

thank you for initiating this conversation, Anna.

Dependency sucks.

Last night I dreamt that I was riding around in a superficial Hollywood with Jay-Z and Madonna. Madonna and I were cuddling in the back of the Escalade with tinted windows. Jay-Z and I were discussing production techniques. Madonna got out at a red light and kissed me goodbye. Jay-Z and I rolled to his studio. When we got there he put a fat damp wad of bills in my hand. I told him I wasn’t expecting money to just hang out with him. He told me that if he didn’t have to bail it easily would have cost him that much anyway, as in if we were sipping Chrys at a club and doing coke all night. As we pulled away from his studio i felt a wad in the bills and on closer inspection saw that it was infact a bag of about 5 grams of weed and about 2 grams of some unknown yellow powder. We stopped at the beach and suddenly I found myself walking along this futuristic boardwalk along the ocean. Other beach-walkers were passing me and coming towards me all around me but i wasn’t anxious. 50 yards out on the water there was large pylons with symbols every 500 yards or so up the beach, each one an indicator for that particular airline’s or cruise’s hotel zone. JAL Air. KLM. Lufthansa. Northwest Airlines. Royal Dutch. I could only remember a flight card that said some flight starting with M, so I kept walking. On my walk it was nightime, but the sky was still painted with the markings of a illustrious sunset. Or maybe sunrise. Three 16 year old girls stopped me and we sat on a bench together. They wanted to know if I could boot for them. Remembering that I had a mickey of vodka on me I knew I could help them out. They were drinking slurpees and were already somewhat inebriated. I looked up to see two cops looking over me. I was surprised at how they had suddenly appeared without me even noticing their arrival. “Hello Sir, how are you this evening?” “I’m fine officer, how are you?” “Very well. Had anything to drink tonight?” “No, officer. Nothing at all.” Which was the truth. However I suddenly became conscious of the mysterious yellow powder in my pocket and the weed that Jay-Z had given me. This only really seemed to be a problem because I was in the States. I thought maybe my fame and lawyers could get me out of this one. My fear made the dream vanish and I chased it through my head eager to know how the story ended.

Here I am, fucking wasted on caffeine and no real commitments. My foreman (if you can call him that) called me this morning to tell me this latice we’ve been waiting on to finish this fence is still not ready, so he’ll call me when it is. I got up at 7am, checked my email while I waited for my morning wood to depart so I could walk to the washroom without shame. Looking in my fridge I noticed that I had’t used any of my dozen free range eggs I bought last week. They are about double the price of ordinary Lucerne eggs but they taste 4 times better. But it’s mostly to ease my conscience when I’m eating eggs. I’d rather think that I am contributing to better living conditions for a fucking disgusting and hideous animal (I’m talking about chickens) than having to think about the same fucking disgusting and hideous animal in cramped shit-lined no-beaked cages. It’s the better of two hideousities. So I made french toast, topped with mango yogurt and syrup. I always thought cooking was such a waste of time. That it was a pointless thing to waste time, money and effort on. But I guess I found the point, the point being that I feel so much better when I eat, even better when I eat good food and even better better when I eat good food that I’ve made. After eating french toast I decided to slam a really strong cup of coffee to get primed for hard physical labour. No sooner had I finished that cup of coffee then my boss (previously referred to as ‘foreman’) called to tell me the aformentioned news. After getting off the phone I really wished I had stayed up late last night and slept in this morning. But now it’s 8:30am and I’m wide awake, so i might as well stay up and make the best of this day. Afterall, god doesn’t like to be fucked around with and I already prayed to be made of maximum service so I should probably do my part and get on that.

I have a piece in a show this Saturday night at El Kartel, on Robson between Thurlow and Burrard. The show is called ‘Art & Soul’. It’s a shoe show. Each of the 30 artists were given a pair of PF Flyers (shoes) and we painted them and they are all going up for auction. See you there, or not.

I really wanted a cigarette today. I still sort of want one. I look inward to what is bothering me. What is causing me anxiety. I’m not talking about the nicotine withdwrawl. It’s harsh but it’s really not that harsh. What I think is harsher is the taste of cigarettes. The feeling in my mouth after smoking 5 in a row… dry, sore, stinky and numb. The shame of lighting up, the feeling of weakness. I think about when I did smoke how not having my pack nearby made me nervous and how when i woke up the first thing I would think about would be a cigarette. I think about how dominated my life was my cigarettes. Not to mention how expensive they are. All for what, so I voluntarily fuck myself up with chemicals that kill my cells and cause cancer and make it hard to breathe? These facts aren’t far fetched. I am just totally okay with suffering a little until this feeling of withdrawl goes away so that I can experience something much better – freedom from addiction.

I dreamt we were in the water. We were swimming and could see the boats from the shore. As we got closer we could see the distressed ships and firefighting boats. We were going to climb right up the side of one, you and me. We were a team. We cared intensely for one another. We came close to the side of the ship and I could see you had reservations. I could see you had fear.I put my arm around you, which when you’re distressed at sea is the best way to conserve warmth, you know. We tied the rope around us. You told me your father died trying to climb ships out at sea. I waved to a rescue boat to get us out, but they didn’t see us so we had to climb. I woke with the feeling of your vulnerability, how it made me feel trusted and affectionate.

I’m gonna play today like a game.

do you ever have momentary realization taht you’re alive and like, responsible for things and suddenly have a momentary panic attack?
i just had one
it kind of freaked me out
well, i was all in computer land, then i looked at my reflection in the window and saw that i’m in an apartment, the same apartment i woke up in and have beenin for two weeks, and that it’s MY apartment, that only I live here. that I have to pay its rent. that all these things around me would have no possesor if i died. I guess i feel really anxious.
anxious that I am working, and that I’m sober, and that I have responsibility and friends and am scared that i am going to fuck something up.

Also, I went to bed at a responsible time last night! I was in bed by 10:45pm. I don’t think this had happened in wuite a while. I’m really glad I did this morning cause I’m really well rested.

I need to remember to finish my submission for the El Kartel show today. The show is on Saturday.

I haven’t had sex in what seems like two months.

It’s 7am and there’s an alarm clock somewhere else in the building that’s been going off for 20 minutes. during the week, when I am working this is when I get up, 6:45am. At work my 8. Done by 4pm. It’s a good way to spend half my waking day.

When I woke this morning I looked at the clock and read 6:30. It took me a while to remember what reality I was waking up in. I’m a really active lucid dreamer so adjusting to the real reality takes a bit. I got out of bed and on my feet and looked out my window at the morning mountains. The sun cut through a fog that was pushing in from the east and everything seemed to just be waking up. I then realized it was the morning and probably 6:30am in the morning, oh yeah and that I am working today cause yesterday was Sunday. I felt grateful that I had not slept through work and had to deal with the guilt of being irresponsible. At this point I really didn’t feel like going to work, I really didn’t feel like dealing with the day. I just wanted to throw in the towel. I find I am like this almost every morning when I wake up. I just don’t want to fucking bother. But here’ s the interesting part. As soon as I realize I am awake, I drop to my knees, literaly, and pray for the strength and willingness to be an active participant in my own life today. This morning I prayed to the sky cause it was a really beautiful post-sunrise. The sky is a hell of a lot bigger than me and it’s always there. But after I did this I immediately felt my fear of living lifted. I immediately felt determined to go to work and do my absolute best for my employer. I immediately felt awarded all the strength I needed to not just fuck it and go back to bed but to go and make a pot of coffee and get ready to start my day. Without this power to will myself to do good and useful things for myself I am positive I would not be able to do a quarter of the things I do on a daily basis.