Category: Uncategorized

It’s only wednesday and this week already feels long. Insulated a basement sweet on 29th and Puget. Fibreglass itches and hurts my eyes. Started a reno today on a store on Granville Mall, to be another vintage clothing store owned by my friend, Craig. He is very very successful at what he has done and has been financially rewarded. There is some jealousy but mostly admiration for his hard work and talent in running businesses.

There’s been a big rage the past few days over the Lotto 6/49 lottery across Canada. I’ve never seriously gambled before. I’ve always strictly thought of it as a total waste of money and a stupidity tax for people that can’t do math. I still feel this way. Nonetheless I threw my money away and bought 9 tickets today an hour before the lottery closed. The draw is sometime right now. I’m in the fog about it, really, having never played before. $40 million would be fucking cool, but i’m not holding my breath.

What else?….

I need a holiday soon. I want to go somewhere hot and play on the beach. Walk around foreign places. See foreign faces. Experience new things. I want to surf again. It was fun.

I feel like my life is getting smaller. That my mind is jammed in, closed, uninspired. It’s been a long and steady decline to this depressing place that I am in. I’m not at the point of wishing i was dead., but the thought occurs. I just wish for a disaster. A flood, a hurricane, an earthquake to shake everything up, to give me something to be consumed by. A girlfriend would do the trick too. Everyone I talk to tells me I could get a girlfriend if I want one. But I feel so undesireable. So impossible to react with. The whole idea of “getting a girlfriend” isn’t what I want anyway. Like “getting a jug of milk” from the store. No. I want love. And i have love from some of the people in my life. But still this longing for things to not be as they are. Just to have something, a thought, an idea something to happen in my brain. I feel a change in my brain is underway and I don’t know what the final plan is. It’s fucking annoying.

Gonna go steal cable tv tonight. Free cable, yay. Not cause I can’t afford to pay for it legally. But because I would enjoy it so much more, knowing that I worked around it. Plus I enjoy the thrill of doing things I’m not supposed to.

I am thinking of going back to university next September. I am reading about UBC’s faculty of philosophy. Jeff was asking me why I would study philosophy and what sort of career I would actually hope to get with a BA in Philosophy. I said that widening my career opportunities are really not my intention going in to this. My intent in studying philosophy would be because it interests me greatly. I have long known that I have an intellectual mind that likes working on abstract ideas and problems. I want to learn how to better use my mind to solve problems and communicate ideas. I want to be a better writer. I want to know that I can take a problem, research it and argue a thesis and not be afraid of writing a 25 page dissertation on a subject.

I also found this article relating to the purpose and benefits of studying philosophy.

I woke up. I’m really dehydrated and drinking a couple glasses of water after sleep dehydration is one of the most satisfying things.

For the record: Drove to Santa Barbara for the weekend with Rob and Anna. It took us 24 hours to drive each way. Gas in the Subaru was about 280 USD split 3 ways, about 113 CAD each at the current exchange rate which is in our favor (1.12). I had a really good time in hindsight, and I think the majority of my time down there was a really amazing experience. The highlight of our trip was the first few hours on the road on the way back, somewhere between Santa Barbara and San Francisco. Anna and Rob and I played ‘Truth’ where we asked each other questions that had to be answered honestly., which was sort of like peer assessment at Edgewood but more honest . It was really inspiring to hear Anna and Rob’s deepest reflections about themselves and their feedback on for me.

Anna told me my biggest weakness, character defect is my tendency to let other people affect me due to my expectations in relationships and the way in which i give my power over to them when I desire their approval and attention. It cheapens me. She accurately described my needs for attention, particularly from females, which more often than not negatively impact my life and leave me cheapened and frail.

At the meeting tonight I ran in to a guy who I haven’t seen in almost three years. We rolled together when I was in the lowest point of my using. We went to high school together prior to that. I’ve known him for almost 8 years, and to see him at a meeting was truly inspiring. A new bond has been forged between us.

That’s all for now. Going to smoke another Pall Mall and try to go back to sleep for a couple hours till work.

Yesterday was this blog’s first birthday. It’s one year old. 1/21st of my life has been documented as (almost) daily entries on this blog. I back it up, don’t worry.

I was at a friend’s house late at night and there wasn’t much to do, so i was flicking through the channels and came accross one of the only good programs on TV, The Wedge, on MuchMusic. This music video was playing, and I fell in love with it. I watched the whole video to catch the artist, CocoRosie and the song was Noah’s Ark. Anyway, right now, I’m all about this song. Listening to it on repeat.

Downloaded Noam Chomsky’s audiobook for his recent novel Hegemony or Survival. I really appreciate people who appreciate things like this. It’s really intriguing. Is it wrong of me that I like to think and fill my brain with knowledge? Why is that such a rare quality in so many of the people in my life. Seems like most people are just on autopilot, doing whatever it is they are addicted to, feel destined to do, feel obligated to do or otherwise unconciously attend to. I think the most attractive quality in a person is their interest in bolstering their knowledge, gaining wisdom, striving for spiritual enlightenment and physical health. Interestingly, those are the things that matter most to me, as an individual. I remember that it was not always this way with me. Once, what I found attractive was the chick that put out, the person that brought me noteriety, the person that had the dope, the one that satisfied my primitive desires. I’m thankful that today I have the peace of mind to be a better person, not to anyone else, and not for anyone else, but for the spurpose of sustaining my peace of mind.

I have nothing to worry about, because problems are all fiction.
My brain is the manufacturer of problems.
Outside of the contraints of my mind, there are no concrete problems or diffictulties.
There is no time. Time is an illusion of the mind, which itself is a slave to time.
My essence, my being is autonomous of time, problems and pain, all of which are only illusory effects produced by my mind.
Me, when I refer to me, myself, I, is my being, me essence. I am not my thoughts.
Stripped of the bondage of my thoughts, my mind, i am peaceful, serene and always content.
I feel on the verge of a shift in my perception. And i have no anxiety.

Jeff, I’m not muscular. I have muscles, but I do not perceive that my body type would fit in to the classification of ‘muscular’ out of those body type options on lavalife.

After two years of looking at but always restraining myself, i bought an iPod today. An acquaintance was selling an iPod mini for a price I couldn’t refuse. After a few hours of using it my speculations about the benefits of an iPod were proven true. I love it.

Also listening to Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now as an audiobook on my iPod. So far, really inspiring. Some really profound information.

I think a lot. I like thinking but I long for a way to turn it off. A way to control it. I am a a slave to my thoughts, to my brain, my computer in my head. It makes so much noise that I’m never at peace unless I am distracting myself. I do not think this is the most advantagous (sp) or exclusive way to live. With all my involuntary thought, 90% of it is useless. Repetitive and meaningless or worse self-depricating thoughts that block myself from truly experiencing peace, joy and serenity that are the natural state of my being, myself, or my ego in the Freudian definition. Today I learned my thoughts are not me. I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are a tool. A tool which is malfunctioning in its current state. Today I was awakened to the truth that there is an off switch to my brain. Today I was offered a glimpse of what I truly believe will soon be my new state of operation.

I looked at Anna today in the meeting. We stared in to each other’s eyes. In to each other’s souls. But after a couple of seconds all thought subsided, and I was still. I was simply existing. No worries. No judgements. No preconceptions or ideas. Just still. As I looked in to her eyes I felt a deep connection with her, that I am joyous to have her in my life, that we love one another. But I did not think this. I simply knew it. It felt like a feeling. Eckhart Tolle talks about brief instances where we can break out of our constant opression from the mind and have momentary peace. He says that these instances however brief are usually triggered by experiencing intense fear or witnessing something intensely beautiful. I believe this was one of those moments. I saw Anna as intensely beautiful. It was a profound experience. Eckhart Tolle says that by observing the mind, as a seperate entity we can begin to detatch from identifying ourselves as the mind. That after practice it becomes habit, and the mind soon becomes a tool that we can pick up when we need it and put down when we do not, therefor leaving us with ourselves; our conciousness; our being, where there is no pain, because pain is an emotional and physiological byproduct of our mind.

I hate Thanksgiving. It’s a crock of shit. Has no relevence to our society anymore. I can see it being enjoyable if we were still all pilgrims pulling in the harvest this time of year and being thankful our Christian god gave us enough potatos to last us through the winter, but that just isn’t the state of things anymore. Maybe we should have some culturally-asjusted holidays to replace these aging traditions. Happy Petroleum Day. Women’s Oppression Day. Apartheid Long Weekend. Eventually Christianity will be breeded out of existence and we can do away with these bullshit events to bring the turkey to the table. I don’t even really enjoy turkey. Ugly fucking animals.

The truck broke down coming back from Galiano today. blah blah blah. Told this story a million times today. Short story is it took me 12 fucking hours to get back to Vancouver. Wait till you see the picture Steph took of the redneck “mechanic” that semi-fixed our truck on Galiano. This dude was straight out of Deliverence.

News is, I’m going to LA next weekend for some AA rally. Thousands of young sober Cali babes. Stoked. Then, in November going to New York, New Jersey and Minneapolis to build three or four stores for my friend’s company. Never been to any of those places. Then, after that trip, our crew is going to Cuba. It was going to be Belize, but now it’s looking more like Cuba. Life’s tough. Yeeeeeaaahh Whatevah.

There are a few things in my life recently that have become something of a routine. Jeff, Chris and I have been going to Bon’s every Saturday and sometimes Sunday to eat breakfast for the past 2 or three months. i will please have the breakfast special with sausages, eggs over hard, brown toast and garlic on my pan fries. no coffee please. We stopped drinking coffee with our meals last week to try out the difference and much to our satisfaction we left feeling more human than if we had each thrown back ten cups of sketchy diner coffee. I’m not even kidding when I say ten cups.

It’s 8:22am on a Saturday. I’m awake. I took an early night last night, 12:30 bedtime. And this is actually sleeping in for me.

Got paid yesterday. It feels like Monopoly, getting handed seventeen 100 dollar bills. You lose your grasp on the value of money pretty fast. I remember buying pot when I was 17, I’d lay down 600 at a time for a quarter-pound, without even blinking.

Wow, this entry is so boring, I’m even bored writing it.

I asked her if she even reads my blog anymore. ya know, with all the nice things I say about her it’d be an alright side bennefit to have her think fondly of me for thinking fondly of her. What the fuck is that? The manipulation I’m capable of blindly inflicting on others sickens me. She told me she doesn’t read my bullshit anymore. She stopped reading my blog after I pasted pictures of my bloody arms up on here. It was then she realized that my blog might not be healthy for her to be exposed to and was probably a detriment. I commended her wisdom for staying clear from that which hurts her, in this case, my own words and images.

When I was talking to her I was overcome by a feeling of needy attachment and what i learned to call “love”, which was really codependence. It started out as giving a part of myself to another person to control. Here, take this part of me. You want to give me a part of you? How fucking cool! This must mean that we feel connected with one another and that we share a common bond, a common likeness of one another. By giving them a part of me I always gave them the power to make me complete or to make me incomplete. This time, when I was talking to her I realized this error in what I have done. I have done it again without even conciously thinking of it – I gave her a part of me. It was when we kissed. No, it was when we slept together. No, it was when I started talking to her again. No, it was when I became aware of her slowly more and more. It started with my own thoughts. It started when I gave her a part of my thoughts daily. Over time rematerializing in to action and multiplied by her reactions. I wasn’t a knowingly willing participant of this transaction. It just happened, but this time the precipitent I recognized. That feeling of incompletion, of dissapointment when she wasn’t controlling the part of me I gave her to my satisfaction. Thus breeds all sorts of manipulation. Give them the power to change you then manipulate them to control the outcome of your own emotions.

But is self-awareness enough? Can information alone bring about a natural reaction in myself to make change?

I’m not on an island. I’m at my computer again, so i have no excuse but to satisfy the haunting feeling telling me to write.

I got back from Galiano on Friday. We ditched out early cause we were all losing our minds on that island. The end of the third tour of duty. Without Carl, our crew seemed to lack direction and motivation to work. So we came back a day early. Good for me, cause I only really had one hand after my incident with the nail gun the day previous.

I slept with her last night. I hesitate writing this… cause I know every girl I’ve slept with in the last 6 months reads this blog. But what the hell… feeling like living on the edge. And it’s not like any of the girls I’ve slept with in the past siz months have been monogomous. Jealousy is a weird emotion. It’s taken a toll on me, and I’ve come to realize that hiding shit for fear of causing jealousy only makes the emotion more painful when inevitably the truth comes out.

Still though, isn’t denial great? To think you’re one with one person, and one person only. To feel total comfort with that person? Total trust, even for a moment? To wake up beside them without guilt? To not want to run away but to just kick off the external world and stay in bed all day? I only feel that with you. Fuck, why is that? Why is it that you are the only one that seems so perfect to me in all your blatent imperfection? I’m happy I feel free to write you honest poetry without fear of losing you. Cause I’ve lost you too many times to count and it seems we are always connected again. It was perfect.

My MOTU 828 broke. fucking bullshit. had it for less than three weeks and now i can’t fucking record anything. Ack. Fucking bullshit, I tell you.

So I’m in town till Thursday morning. On Thursday I’m going back to Galiano to pick up the tools and gear and bring it all back to Vancouver. That will mean the end of the Galiano jaunt.

My serenity has become dependant upon my work lately. Whenever I am at work I feel satisfied, useful, alive and connected to whatever the fuck ‘god’ has become. Money? Whenever I am not working I feel volatile, toxic, confused, anxious, stressed and chaotic. I’m gonna start meditating every day for half an hour. See what that does for me.

Listening to Lou Reed’s Berlin and Transformer.