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I felt like more of a person, like I had more substance when I was making art. I know I’ll always have an artistic mind, but like faith, art without action is dead. I’m still known by a lot of peeps only as “nokin”. When they call me that I know I’ve left somewhat of a legacy, but I feel dead inside cause I’m not producing anything. Making public art was good for me cause it gave me a feeling of accomplishment, worth and the feeling that people could see a part of my insides and tell me they liked what they saw.

I hate myself for not making art.

Self-loathing is so boring to me. But when I’m in it it’s so all consuming, i feel the need to embrace it to acknoledge it and hopefully take the power out of it. But then again, that attitude is so self-righteous and healthy it pisses me off. Fuck everything. Sorry this blog isn’t brightening up your fucking day.

It’s the Saturday night before Halloween. Halloween is on Monday. I just got home from a party/dance for sober peeps at the Cambrian Hall on 17th and Main. After my first Red-Bull-Something and a double espresso I was so amped. I was stoked to see JR, Anna and Leah. We danced it up like we were on E, but we weren’t, so it was better. The thing is with me and these kind of nights is that I innevitably end up in this situation that I am sitting in right now. The party gets old and I feel the need to change my atmosphere. I want to hang out with my friends but they always have other plans. Plans which usually don’t include me. Then comes this rush of self-pity and self-loathing. I immediately fall in to a depression. It’s a similar effect to when I used to be high and party. There was always the Big Come Down. And that’s exactly how I feel now.

When all the drugs are gone, or when they just stop working, when all the seratonin is flushed I’m left in a pathetic puddle of IHateMyselfAndIHateThisMoment. After the laughter then comes the tears, I guess.

I walked in my door and dropped my bag of fireworks by my microwave. Dragged myself to the washroom to take a leak and looked in the mirror and my sad expression. I am wearing a white headband as worn by Richie in The Royal Tannenbaums. I looked at my old sink, the same sink he slit his wrists in to in my favorite scene from any film. The thought went through my head that I could cut myself right there and I would feel better. That I wouldn’t feel alone. I think that’s what always motivated me to do it. I always felt the loneliness.

It tends to be some pretty inopportune timing that when I feel like this Jr and Leah are extra mushy with each other, and tell me how they want to go fuck, details about their sex life, and how much they love each other. What goes through my head is how badly I want someone to be that with, which is an obvious exposition of my motives for being in a relationship with someone. I feel attention hungry and I hate myself for it.

So I guess this post is trying to make myself feel better. To try to do something productive for me, cause other people just aren’t doing it right now. I feel so weak, so unable to be enough for myself. I see really attractive girls and I think I shoudl go talk to them. But I realize the grossness of my motives so it holds me back. Why would they want this. Why would they want what I have. They don’t want it.

Self loathing, go fucking kill yourself. Ironic that I am wearing an orange bracelet that reads “SUICIDE PREVENTION AND AWARENESS 1-800-SUICIDE”.

Ben and Jesse are a great couple. They inspire me. I wish I had a girl like Jesse.

whatever.

Okay Jeff, this was my pick for the day from some chick on Lavalife’s “let’s fuck” section of dating…

Love to kiss alot, frenchkissing is my favorite..YOU MUST KISS .then lots of passionate touches, cuddling and snuggling for hours. Enjoy lots of body contacts such as long erotic massages. Love receiving oral especially on my behind and giving massages. You must have a clean and showered body (best with cologne) if possible before we meet. I am into cleanliness very very much. I live in Kits fairview. I am self-employed and have a degree so I am into mutual clean and safe fun only. I like FIT men younger under 30 with strong arms, hairy chest and a beard/goat-T. Sorry, only give oral to clean and non smelly tools but love receiving unlimited oral attention to my behind from hot FIT men without bellies. I love seducing men in firehallbranch library west 10/granv. I love receiving oral, giving oral to nice big tools and massages alot . Message me if u r interested. But your face picture and a cel phone number are needed to meet me in person for security purposes. U must enjoy
cuddling, snuggling and kissing. U must treat me like a girl in bed. message me if interested

This is an Interesting article…

I think the US is going to attack Iran. Or Syria. Or both.

It’s only wednesday and this week already feels long. Insulated a basement sweet on 29th and Puget. Fibreglass itches and hurts my eyes. Started a reno today on a store on Granville Mall, to be another vintage clothing store owned by my friend, Craig. He is very very successful at what he has done and has been financially rewarded. There is some jealousy but mostly admiration for his hard work and talent in running businesses.

There’s been a big rage the past few days over the Lotto 6/49 lottery across Canada. I’ve never seriously gambled before. I’ve always strictly thought of it as a total waste of money and a stupidity tax for people that can’t do math. I still feel this way. Nonetheless I threw my money away and bought 9 tickets today an hour before the lottery closed. The draw is sometime right now. I’m in the fog about it, really, having never played before. $40 million would be fucking cool, but i’m not holding my breath.

What else?….

I need a holiday soon. I want to go somewhere hot and play on the beach. Walk around foreign places. See foreign faces. Experience new things. I want to surf again. It was fun.

I feel like my life is getting smaller. That my mind is jammed in, closed, uninspired. It’s been a long and steady decline to this depressing place that I am in. I’m not at the point of wishing i was dead., but the thought occurs. I just wish for a disaster. A flood, a hurricane, an earthquake to shake everything up, to give me something to be consumed by. A girlfriend would do the trick too. Everyone I talk to tells me I could get a girlfriend if I want one. But I feel so undesireable. So impossible to react with. The whole idea of “getting a girlfriend” isn’t what I want anyway. Like “getting a jug of milk” from the store. No. I want love. And i have love from some of the people in my life. But still this longing for things to not be as they are. Just to have something, a thought, an idea something to happen in my brain. I feel a change in my brain is underway and I don’t know what the final plan is. It’s fucking annoying.

Gonna go steal cable tv tonight. Free cable, yay. Not cause I can’t afford to pay for it legally. But because I would enjoy it so much more, knowing that I worked around it. Plus I enjoy the thrill of doing things I’m not supposed to.

I am thinking of going back to university next September. I am reading about UBC’s faculty of philosophy. Jeff was asking me why I would study philosophy and what sort of career I would actually hope to get with a BA in Philosophy. I said that widening my career opportunities are really not my intention going in to this. My intent in studying philosophy would be because it interests me greatly. I have long known that I have an intellectual mind that likes working on abstract ideas and problems. I want to learn how to better use my mind to solve problems and communicate ideas. I want to be a better writer. I want to know that I can take a problem, research it and argue a thesis and not be afraid of writing a 25 page dissertation on a subject.

I also found this article relating to the purpose and benefits of studying philosophy.

I woke up. I’m really dehydrated and drinking a couple glasses of water after sleep dehydration is one of the most satisfying things.

For the record: Drove to Santa Barbara for the weekend with Rob and Anna. It took us 24 hours to drive each way. Gas in the Subaru was about 280 USD split 3 ways, about 113 CAD each at the current exchange rate which is in our favor (1.12). I had a really good time in hindsight, and I think the majority of my time down there was a really amazing experience. The highlight of our trip was the first few hours on the road on the way back, somewhere between Santa Barbara and San Francisco. Anna and Rob and I played ‘Truth’ where we asked each other questions that had to be answered honestly., which was sort of like peer assessment at Edgewood but more honest . It was really inspiring to hear Anna and Rob’s deepest reflections about themselves and their feedback on for me.

Anna told me my biggest weakness, character defect is my tendency to let other people affect me due to my expectations in relationships and the way in which i give my power over to them when I desire their approval and attention. It cheapens me. She accurately described my needs for attention, particularly from females, which more often than not negatively impact my life and leave me cheapened and frail.

At the meeting tonight I ran in to a guy who I haven’t seen in almost three years. We rolled together when I was in the lowest point of my using. We went to high school together prior to that. I’ve known him for almost 8 years, and to see him at a meeting was truly inspiring. A new bond has been forged between us.

That’s all for now. Going to smoke another Pall Mall and try to go back to sleep for a couple hours till work.

Yesterday was this blog’s first birthday. It’s one year old. 1/21st of my life has been documented as (almost) daily entries on this blog. I back it up, don’t worry.

I was at a friend’s house late at night and there wasn’t much to do, so i was flicking through the channels and came accross one of the only good programs on TV, The Wedge, on MuchMusic. This music video was playing, and I fell in love with it. I watched the whole video to catch the artist, CocoRosie and the song was Noah’s Ark. Anyway, right now, I’m all about this song. Listening to it on repeat.

Downloaded Noam Chomsky’s audiobook for his recent novel Hegemony or Survival. I really appreciate people who appreciate things like this. It’s really intriguing. Is it wrong of me that I like to think and fill my brain with knowledge? Why is that such a rare quality in so many of the people in my life. Seems like most people are just on autopilot, doing whatever it is they are addicted to, feel destined to do, feel obligated to do or otherwise unconciously attend to. I think the most attractive quality in a person is their interest in bolstering their knowledge, gaining wisdom, striving for spiritual enlightenment and physical health. Interestingly, those are the things that matter most to me, as an individual. I remember that it was not always this way with me. Once, what I found attractive was the chick that put out, the person that brought me noteriety, the person that had the dope, the one that satisfied my primitive desires. I’m thankful that today I have the peace of mind to be a better person, not to anyone else, and not for anyone else, but for the spurpose of sustaining my peace of mind.

I have nothing to worry about, because problems are all fiction.
My brain is the manufacturer of problems.
Outside of the contraints of my mind, there are no concrete problems or diffictulties.
There is no time. Time is an illusion of the mind, which itself is a slave to time.
My essence, my being is autonomous of time, problems and pain, all of which are only illusory effects produced by my mind.
Me, when I refer to me, myself, I, is my being, me essence. I am not my thoughts.
Stripped of the bondage of my thoughts, my mind, i am peaceful, serene and always content.
I feel on the verge of a shift in my perception. And i have no anxiety.

Jeff, I’m not muscular. I have muscles, but I do not perceive that my body type would fit in to the classification of ‘muscular’ out of those body type options on lavalife.

After two years of looking at but always restraining myself, i bought an iPod today. An acquaintance was selling an iPod mini for a price I couldn’t refuse. After a few hours of using it my speculations about the benefits of an iPod were proven true. I love it.

Also listening to Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now as an audiobook on my iPod. So far, really inspiring. Some really profound information.

I think a lot. I like thinking but I long for a way to turn it off. A way to control it. I am a a slave to my thoughts, to my brain, my computer in my head. It makes so much noise that I’m never at peace unless I am distracting myself. I do not think this is the most advantagous (sp) or exclusive way to live. With all my involuntary thought, 90% of it is useless. Repetitive and meaningless or worse self-depricating thoughts that block myself from truly experiencing peace, joy and serenity that are the natural state of my being, myself, or my ego in the Freudian definition. Today I learned my thoughts are not me. I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are a tool. A tool which is malfunctioning in its current state. Today I was awakened to the truth that there is an off switch to my brain. Today I was offered a glimpse of what I truly believe will soon be my new state of operation.

I looked at Anna today in the meeting. We stared in to each other’s eyes. In to each other’s souls. But after a couple of seconds all thought subsided, and I was still. I was simply existing. No worries. No judgements. No preconceptions or ideas. Just still. As I looked in to her eyes I felt a deep connection with her, that I am joyous to have her in my life, that we love one another. But I did not think this. I simply knew it. It felt like a feeling. Eckhart Tolle talks about brief instances where we can break out of our constant opression from the mind and have momentary peace. He says that these instances however brief are usually triggered by experiencing intense fear or witnessing something intensely beautiful. I believe this was one of those moments. I saw Anna as intensely beautiful. It was a profound experience. Eckhart Tolle says that by observing the mind, as a seperate entity we can begin to detatch from identifying ourselves as the mind. That after practice it becomes habit, and the mind soon becomes a tool that we can pick up when we need it and put down when we do not, therefor leaving us with ourselves; our conciousness; our being, where there is no pain, because pain is an emotional and physiological byproduct of our mind.

I hate Thanksgiving. It’s a crock of shit. Has no relevence to our society anymore. I can see it being enjoyable if we were still all pilgrims pulling in the harvest this time of year and being thankful our Christian god gave us enough potatos to last us through the winter, but that just isn’t the state of things anymore. Maybe we should have some culturally-asjusted holidays to replace these aging traditions. Happy Petroleum Day. Women’s Oppression Day. Apartheid Long Weekend. Eventually Christianity will be breeded out of existence and we can do away with these bullshit events to bring the turkey to the table. I don’t even really enjoy turkey. Ugly fucking animals.

The truck broke down coming back from Galiano today. blah blah blah. Told this story a million times today. Short story is it took me 12 fucking hours to get back to Vancouver. Wait till you see the picture Steph took of the redneck “mechanic” that semi-fixed our truck on Galiano. This dude was straight out of Deliverence.

News is, I’m going to LA next weekend for some AA rally. Thousands of young sober Cali babes. Stoked. Then, in November going to New York, New Jersey and Minneapolis to build three or four stores for my friend’s company. Never been to any of those places. Then, after that trip, our crew is going to Cuba. It was going to be Belize, but now it’s looking more like Cuba. Life’s tough. Yeeeeeaaahh Whatevah.