Category: Uncategorized

do i want this

all the pain i am causing

the pain that was already there

all in sorrow

what i’ve caused

lead me only

to what was next

if it could be better

it would already be

can wait no longer

for what could be

(WIP)

I’ve told Carrie that I don’t wanna be married anymore. All she heard was that I’m unhappy and she’s doing everything to try to keep me to stay. She went to see Counsellor today. She went and fixed the relationship with her brother today she’s trying to show me that she’s gonna change as a person. But for me, I’m already checked out. It feels too little too late. And that’s heartbreaking for her. I don’t wanna give her false. Hope that things are going to turn around and I’m going to want to stay. I want separation. But I also love her as a person and it hurts me to see her hurt. After telling her I wanted a divorce last night I ended up sleeping in our bed. Not because I wanted to, but because she was begging me to stay in the room with her. She was in full-blown panic attack. It felt heartless for me to leave her like that. So I took care of her. after hours of convulsing and throwing up, I got her calm down watching a show and gave her an Ativan. She put her head on my shoulder. I put my hand on her back. I comforted her and I told her it was gonna be OK. Which is an a lie. I know she’s gonna be OK. She’s a strong woman and she could do hard things.

What do I do tonight when I get home. She’s doing everything to try to show me how an ideal partner she is. She made dinner. She’s giving me space. But all I want is distance and it makes me feel like I’m the monster.

Trying to be good

You try too

Crashing cars

Steel on steel

Skin on skin

No touch / no talk

Hum between walls

Sparks no faces

Air pocket of hours

Distance apart

Souls connected

Another time, another place, another life

Not saying never

Car breaking down

What’s that rattle 

Maybe you do too?

Fifteen years ago I meet you instead

Smaller storms and cheaper rent

Our kids and our life

Would I feel different now

Or would we still

Be checking under the hood

I’m still thinking about her every minute. Like literally every minute. I think about her face. I replay snapshots of us hanging out last week. I replay the feeling of comfort, excitement and admiration I felt. I loved that she was so comforted by me. It’s a happy place I can escape to. I’ve been living there all week. 

I wonder what she’s doing if she’s having a good time with Mike I wonder if she’s thinking about me too. I do the math over in my head of when I will see her next.

Thankfully, the feeling is less intense now than it was on Saturday and Sunday. That was actual withdrawal pain. The feeling is less now less reactive, but also deeper somehow more authentic somehow. I probably am putting a lot on her. But just because it’s novel doesn’t mean it doesn’t have profound weight and meaning.

I imagine all the various scenarios of what it will be like when she gets back and we see each other again. Or what work will be like with her around. Or what six months or a year from now will look like. 

One scenario is a world where we can be together as much as we want above board and honestly. In that world, both our careers would need to change and my marriage would need to end. She wouldn’t get to be a mom, and I want her to have what she wants. And eventually, we just become a boring married couple with unmet needs.

In another scenario, we are still keeping it a secret. It’s alive and electric. Forbidden love that we both know wouldn’t survive daylight. But that’s what makes it so amazing. It would be complicated if she gets promoted to my team and then I’m her actual boss . Would she feel like she slept with me to get a promotion? Am I predatory?I hate that. it would Il legitimize both our relationship and her promotion for which she’s so worthy.

In the third scenario, we draw a hard line and neither of us are crossing it. Who knows who would be the stronger one. Probably her. and then I would be the one stuck in this mire of wanting her and not being able to have her. I wouldn’t be sleeping with Ruth, but I would be with her in my mind constantly. but at least there would be a chance that our careers could go on as they are on their current trajectories. Thankfully, she would get to stay at Earls where we could still see each other professionally. She would meet a new guy and have kids and a family. And maybe we could be friends. this one kind of feels like it sucks the most but it’s fair and logically correct.

In the fourth scenario, and the one I’m most preoccupied with lately, we see each other when she gets back on Monday and I ask her how she’s doing and she tells me how hard her week was having to be with Mike but thinking about me the whole time. I tell her it was the same for me having to put up with Carrie. My heart is racing and we talk about what we should do. We give each other a smile and we both know what we should do. We talk about the right thing to do is to end it. But our eyes were telling a different story of desire. We leave work and go back to her apartment. We have some drinks and we fuck all afternoon. It’s so hot. The next day we go back to work and vow to each other that we have to stop for the sake of our jobs. But the affair stays alive behind closed doors, adding excitement to both of our dysfunctional relationships. Every so often through the year will get assigned on a trip together, and we bunk up and hang out and they will be amazing holidays together. That forbidden love forever sustained.

Hi Ruth –

This has been so intense, in the best way that a human can experience intensity. You’ve woken something up in me that I haven’t felt in years, and I’m so grateful for that. You gave me human kindness and comfort that I haven’t felt in over a decade. Our time in Hawaii was like I was riding MDMA. 

Distance from you is so painful for me. It’s wild how much I miss you.

I don’t want to watch either of us burn our lives to the ground.

After a lot of soul-searching and jorunalling, this is what I have come up with. This is hot precisely because it’s so destructive to both of us.

In another time this could work. Or maybe this is what it looks like when it works.

If this thing between us is more than just a passionate fling, and if there is any change of something working romantically between us, I have to do a two things first:

1. I need to deal with my marriage, cleanly and honestly. If I don’t, it will torch my family, my kids, and our reputations. I care about you too much to drag you into the middle of that mess. I need to separate my marriage without you being the reason. Even still, it’s going to be painful and messy.
2. I want you to thrive in your career and I don’t want to compromize your future here or mine. We would need to make career changes to our reporting structure.

I want you to know that you aren’t the cause of my pending divorce. I didn’t share the details with you but I have been suffering in my marriage silently for a long time. I thought that once committed to marriage, there was never a reason to leave. I stoically thought that I had to take on all the pain. But over the past year or so, I’ve reflected that just maybe that is all wrong and that I deserve more. That my kids deserve to be around a dad who’s actually happy in his relationship and not around parents who fight and don’t always bring out the best in each other.

You woke me up to the fact that I don’t need to settle, you reminded me what intimacy and fun feels like, and that I am loveable. And it felt so amazing.

Once I have cleaned up my wreckage, I’ll see if you’re still around.

So right now, I need to step back from anything personal between us and just be back to strictly business. I gotta cool my jets and take a pause.

I don’t know where life will land us after that. Maybe it brings us back together, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe this space will give you time to find someone to build a family with. But if we do get back together, it will be clean, it will be fair, and it won’t put your career, your relationship—or mine—in jeopardy.

That’s where I’m at. Sucks to admit it for me. It won’t be for me but I need you help.

Just Kidding

Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe she doesn’t actually like me. Is she just pretending to be into me for career advancement?

On the one hand I wish that we hadn’t ever crossed the line. On the other hand, I wish that since we crossed it we had gone even further past it. That I had railed her bones.

She asked me on the plane ride from HNL to SFO, “Since we’ve crossed the line, should we just continue to cross it?” I thought about fucking her in the airplane bathroom. I almost said it out loud. But we were both trying to be good. As good as we could be. Holding each other’s hands and touching each other’s legs was collectively the most we could cross the line. It was also the least we both wanted. Pulled in one direction by the carnal desire to tear each other’s clothes off and pulled in the other direction by the logical knowledge that we had already gone too far.

“I think we gotta shut it down.” I said. I already knew it could never work.

She said a few times and few different ways, “you have more to lose than I do.”

“You have a 15 year marriage and three kids. I just have an unhappy relationship with my boyfriend.”

I told her, “just because I’ve been married for 15 years doesn’t mean we don’t have problems.”

Monday, Sep 16

I arrived in HNL around 9pm. Checked into the Courtyard. Met up with T in the lobby. I was already into an IPA. T and I walked over to meet L for drinks at Green Lady. We caught up on how work had been, what L got up to on the island over the weekend while her bf came to visit her. After drinks, L checked out of her hotel and came to the Courtyard and slept over at Trianne’s

Tuesday, Sep 17

Hosted meetings all morning from 6:00 AM, Tough because I was up late the night before.

Took the cross-departmental meeting for Waikiki from the Waikiki store at 10AM

T L and I had our “very important meeting” at tequila shots at Aloha Amigo at 9pm. We picked up some Asahi and vodka drinks I think.

T and L and I drank a lot and T passed out on L’s lanai. T and I took L down to bed.

After T was in bed, L and I went back to her room. I felt a pang of, “you shouldn’t” but I did. I suggested we take edibles at L was in so I went and grabbed them. 

We took them at midnight and tripped so hard. After staring into the world for an hour that felt like 4, I managed to summon the words, 

“Do you want to get into your bed?” 

And L said “For what?” 

“I dunno, watch TV, I said” 

I wanted to stay over. 

L said “I worry about how that would look. I think we should call it” 

I left but felt disappointed and embarrassed that I had overstepped. 

Wednesday

Woke up feeling like garbage. Not hungover, just embarrassed for how I crossed a line and put myself out there and was put in my place.

We did the pre-walk through with ops. Working was fun. I told her I felt embarrassed with how I acted last night. She told me not to worry about it.

In the afternoon, around 4 or 5 I went to the beach. Texted L and T to come meet me and shared my location. They showed up at some point. The three of us must have drank a bunch. Not sure where we ate. We didn’t see T that night.

L and I must have made it back to the restaurant and we tried to work through some deficiencies. Around midnight we were done.

After, we decided to go swimming in the ocean. It was a truly peak life experience. We brought a couple drinks. It was too late top buy booze from the ABC. We thought about whether to go back to the hotel to get in our swimsuits or just go straight to the beach. She decided we should just go straight to the beach since I had a towel I had left in the office. We walked to surfboard alley and down the beach past a couple homeless dudes to the Royal Hawaiian beach. I quickly ripped off all my clothes and ran to the ocean. Wasn’t sure if she would follow my lead. In the water, it was so dark I couldn’t make out whether she was naked or not. The ocean was so black and warm. Like swimming in a comforting space – the sky and water becoming one. It was so relieving in the water after a long hot day.

“You should go in first” and then I’ll follow you” she said. So I did.

I was nearly dried off, putting my shorts on when she approached. I made out her trimmed bush in the dim light but not much else. It wasn’t until this point I realized she too was naked. 

I can’t remember how we got back to the hotel. We were in my room drinking on my Lanai. At 3 or 4 am we decided we should go to bed. Before she left she asked if we could hug. I was overcome with joy that she wanted to. That she wanted closeness with me. 

“I’m so glad you asked.” I said. It was such a nice hug. 

She didn’t let go. Her body felt so good. It was the first time I had ever touched her. She was small, and so strong. Her lower back was right and muscular. Her waist was thin and so hot. I cradled the back of her head, my fingers in her hair. We said good night and she went to her room. I can’t remember how I felt.

This was supposed to be L’s last night in HNL.

Thursday

In the morning, L had check out at 11. I offered she could leave her bag in my room and shower later before the flight. I met her back there to do the drop.

We did the walk throughs and L and I did deficiencies. 

We left work at 3pm Tara, Tri, L and I. We went to the hotel and L came up to get her bag from my room to put in Tri’s “for optics” she said. 

I drank an IPA in a few minutes while getting my swimsuit on and put a few more in my bag. We all walked together to the beach and setup our towels. Tara, L, me, Tri. We each had a couple drinks and debriefed on how the turnover has been going the last couple days a ways to improve the process. At 5, we all went in the water and played in the waves. At 5:30 we headed back and I made a dinner rezo at Zigu for 6:30. We stopped at Aloha Amigo at 6:50 to get tequila shots at 7. Turns out they only do $3 shots at 9 and 11. So we ordered shots anyway which were actually doubles. We lost track of time and suddenly it was 6:30. I messaged our group that we were having tequila trouble and would meet at the restaurant at 6:45. We quickly got changed and headed to Zigu.

At Zigu L and I each had an IPA. And then the table ordered a bottle of sake. She wrote “we need to hug” on her phone and showed it to me. I said “yes we do”. 

By 8:00 when it was time for L and Gus to leave, I was already missing her. We ordered double margaritas. Tri and I made jokes about calling a bomb threat to stop her plane from leaving. 

Gus called an uber for them and they left at 8:30. I didn’t get a hug. 

As soon as she left I missed her so much. I texted her “L!!!” We left the restaurant at 8:45 and Tri, Tara and I headed to the store, me to work on some deficiencies and Tri to make sure the keys were in the lock box. Braden and Tyler were there drinking beers. I was pretty drunk. I tried installing a door stop on the women’s washroom partition door. The first hinge stop broke. Then the wall stop broke. 

At 9 she texted me “oh no” but I didn’t know why. 

A few minutes later she called maybe around 9:20. I was lying on the floor of the women’s washroom. 

I picked up and said “I’m so glad it’s you”. 

She said “I think I missed my flight.” She didn’t know why. She said they wouldn’t let her through security. Maybe it was because she was too late. Maybe she couldn’t find her passport. Maybe she was too drunk. 

I told her to call an Uber and come back. She sounded unsure. I asked her if she wanted me to call her one. She said no, she could figure it out. I said okay, call me when you’re close and I’ll meet you at the courtyard and I’ll help you figure out what to do.

Trianne and Tara were texting me to find out where I was. “I’m in the women’s restroom at Earls” I told them. I guess they had already headed home. 

L called me from her Uber. She was so embarrassed that she missed her flight. I was sad for her that she felt so bad. But I was also so happy that she wasn’t leaving. I wanted to help her and I wanted to see her. I told her to send me her location so I could know when to meet her at the hotel.

I told her she could stay with Trianne.

“Can I stay with you?” She asked me

“Let’s talk when you get here” I said.

“That sounds serious.”

Of course you can stay with me but let’s talk it out. I think I said.

Trying to “do the right thing”. called Trianne that L missed her flight and could she stay with her. I met up with L at the Courtyard lobby. We hugged and then sat for a moment. She couldn’t tell me why they wouldn’t let her through security. But that she was so embarrassed. We made a plan – I would help her book a new flight. She came up to my room. While I was booking the flight on my laptop at the desk, she would come up and put her arms around me, her head next to mine. It felt so nice. It was hard to book a flight as drunk as I was. Eventually it got done. She would be on the same flight as me the next day.

Then I got in my pyjamas and brushed my teeth. When I came back I told her she could sleep in the second bed. “I am going to sleep in your bed.” She said, and climbed into my bed. She was wearing jogging pants and a tank top. I said, “Do you want to get in your pajamas.” 

“Okay.” She said and took off her pants. We cuddled, I spooned her. Then we made out. I kissed her little mouth. She gave me tongue. I liked it. I was hard as hell. She pushed me over and staddled me, grinding on me. 

She climbed off me, “woah, woah, woah. What are we doing?”

“Look, we just can’t fuck.” I said.

“Is that the line?” She said.

“Yes.”

Back to making out. I ground my hard cock into her thrusting crotch.

I pulled up her shirt and sucked on her left nipple. It was small and got hard. It was so hot. She was so hot.

We were both very drunk, and we soon fell asleep, holding each other.

I woke up at 2am. I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about the store and the deficiencies I meant to do that night before leaving. I quietly got up and got dressed and went to the store. I worked until 4:30, knocked off some caulking, installed a door catch for the beverage station door, and repaired the wheels on the host stand. I headed back to the hotel at 4:30. L was still asleep but woke up when I came in. I was dirty and soaked I sweat. I jumped in the shower. We packed and called an uber at 5. We arrived at the hotel at 5:30 and checked my bag.

This time we made it through security. This was still one of the hardest times going through an airport in my long travel career. Alcohol and little sleep over four nights.

In the lobby, we cuddled and held hands. It felt like I had a partner. And ally. L and I against the world. We were able to switch our seats to be next to each other. The whole flight we cuddled and tried to sleep. We talked a lot about damage control and fantasized about what it would be like to be together but then snapped to reality and talked about how it could never work. We aligned that we would keep it absolutely secret. No one at work could know. Our significant others couldn’t know. We deleted every suggestive text and message and photo from our phones. Once we landed in vancouver, we would be back to coworkers and this would stop.

I’ve played out the tape and it makes no sense for either of us. For her – she wants kids and a family. I can’t give that to her. I want her to have everything she wants and to be happy. so for us to be together would deprive her of her happiness. So we can’t be together.

I feel so out of place now in my house. With this wife I have been with for 18 years but feel less for than someone I met four months ago. Carrie feels like a roommate. Looking back in these blog posts, she has for 10 years or more.

Is it just lust?

How do I deal with this most powerful feeling

I’m obsessed

Strange and curious draw to someone

5′-2″

Her athletic body so strong

I want to touch her all the time

I want to kiss it her belly button

Her brown eyes and her smile

the gaps in her teeth, and how happy and pure her face is

She is a ball of bright white light

I love that she is dangerous – will follow me to the edge

She is always down for a good time

She’s never a buzzkill

She’s so organized and responsible

She never yells or crashes out or is mean to me (yet)

She is so smart and curious

She is gentle and kind

I would eat her ass

I like watching her ass when she is infront of me

I like the feeling when she refers to me as an authority figure. She likes it too.

I like taking care of her.