I went running today. It was a continuance of my trend of health and responsibility for my life. I got off drugs, I got a job, I got an apartment, I maintained all, I quit smoking, I started cooking every meal for myself, I met an amazing girl and now I’m started running everyday.
It’s disgusting, I know.
She tells me I feel like home.
She tells me I’m amazing.
She tells me I can go for a long time.
She tells me I’m beautiful
She tells me it’s surreal to be in my presence
She tells me she wants to go travelling with me.
She tells me she wishes she never had to leave.
She tells me she loves me.
I believe her what she tells me.
I feel the same way about her.
I can’t recall ever feeling “in love” with someone, but I think I’m in love with her.
I don’t want to be with anyone else.
She is so attractive.I am so attracted to her.
I hug her and I get turned on.
She fascinates me.
I can’t stop looking at her.
She looks at me and smiles and doesn’t turn away and it feels unreal.
She’s so beautiful and I can’t believe we love each other so much.
We’ve talked about it and we’ve decided what we feel between one another is love.
We are both unsure what being “in love” is supposed to mean, but it must feel pretty close to this.
I had never “made love” before until tonight. We had the most amazingly intimate moment, I was with her spiritually, emotionally and physically and I thought I could die in that moment satisfied. I could have stayed there forever. We were so mutually in love with that moment together, emeshed as one, a perfect union of bodies expressing so accurately the mutual connection and love shared for one another.
When a love for another human being could not seem stronger then they tell you they love you back just as much and you feel like your heart and brain and body will explode with joy.
She makes me want to be a better person.
She makes me happy for everything I have worked for in my life to be at this moment in my life.
She is intelligent and says things that I have never thought about before in my life. She challenges me intellectually.
We share the same spiritual upbringing and are in similar spiritual places now in life.
We have so much to share with one another.
I haven’t lied or decieved her in anyway, and don’t need to. She totally accepts me how I am, all my defects and imperfections and honestly tells me she loves me.
I used to wake up every morning and my first thought would be “cigarette”. I woke up this morning and my first thought was of Lorea.
I have no jealous fear cause I know how she feels about me is special and unique.
I’m so crazy about this girl and I can’t look at her and can’t believe she feels so totally the same way about me.
She says things about me that I am thinking about her.
I know I’m infatuated, and it feels amazing.
Lately whenever I get hungry, or skip a meal within a few hours I start to behave and feel very peculiar. I feel sketchy, almost exactly like the effects of sleep dep, about day two. I feel really anxious, I’m easily annoyed, I’m inpatient, my head and neck become sore and I actually have mild visual hallucinations. I am making more of an effort to constantly keep my hunger and need for water in check.
I have made every dinner at home for the past week. I also took a lunch to work on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I am quite proud of my quick adjustment to eating out less.
I quit smoking 10 days ago. I don’t really think about it first thing when I wake up anymore. I more want water when I first wake up now. I get some pretty intense cravings a couple times during the day, but nothing I haven’t been able to conquer. So… no drugs. no booze. no nicotine. It’s pretty wild. I feel pretty straight. I was at a party last night and everyone was getting shit faced. There was a big no-label jug of moonshine on the island in the kitchen and everyone was taking shots off it. Everyone kept asking me, “Have you had the moonshine yet?… You gotta try the moonshine… Here, i’ll pour you a shot… I’ll do a shot with you…” They seemed totally unable to conceive of the idea that I don’t drink any alcohol whatsoever. I kept telling them, “no thanks, I’m really alright.” or telling them straight up that I don’t drink but that just meant they tried all the harder to convince me that this moonshine is so good that I really must try it. I am positive I was the only non-intoxicated person there and I was pretty alright with it. I didn’t envy them at all. They all looked quite ridiculous actually. They couldn’t walk very well, their eyes were all lazy, I witnessed two people fall right over and hit the ground and all the while they thought that I was the abnormal one. HA! Whatever. I don’t miss that at all, and the more time I get since my last drink the further away from that life I want to get.
I got 10 months + 1 week yesterday.
The following week is the strangest week for me of the whole year. I hate it. I have my birthday tomorrow, and Christmas 6 days later. It’s a fucking dreadful time of year. I hate celebrations when the point of what is being celebrated is completely lost in the festivities themselves. I think maybe i just prefer the quieter life, the life more alone.
i haven’t felt happy since wednesday and it bothers me. for a few days there i actually felt alive.
a 2×6 attacked me at work. this hurts more than it looks:
At the risk of sounding happy, I’d like to say that I had a really good day. I quit smoking on Friday, so this is day 5 without smoking. I’m feeling great. You know at the end of Miracle on 54th Street when dude has a new perspective on life and feels so on top of his game and he is running around so happy? I kind of feel like that. Just cause I feel so free of addictive substances now. No more cigarettes is a great thing. I can actually smell now. The first day I quit I could suddenly smell everything and it was an amazing experience. Now everything is tasting better. I actually have an appetite and food is more satisfying. I sleep much better and need less sleep. I don’t come home from work and feel the need to nap. I am more motivated to do good things for myself, like clean my house, do my dishes, make dinner, do laundry etc. Tasks I hated doing a few days ago.
Getting xmas bonus this friday. Gonna book a vacation somewhere hot for early Feb. thinking Cancun, Dominican Republic or Maui. Never been to any of these places, so it’s hard to say which is the best choice. I feel grateful to have the opportunity to work and make money to go on vacation. Having a productive life has its rewards.
I think i had an okay day. My days are enrobed in an eternal sadness and misery, but there are moments where i can reflect back on the day, like today and say that overall I did good today. That today I did more good for myself and others than harm. That I was an active participant in my life. That I wasn’t holed up in some basement suite killing myself in a slow isolation.
Worked a satisfying 9 hours, came home and talked to my good friend who’s in England doing her masters. She gave me a good recipe for chicken fried rice. went to the store, got the ingredients. met up with my friend and we cam back to my place and I made us chicken fried rice whilst he learned to play Battlefield 2. Afterwards, went downstairs to give JR her MP3 player, but decided i wanted to be around Anna for a while. I was feeling really in need of physical closeness. I wanted to cuddle with her, but i thought asking would be weird. JR came in an hour later with Leah. I cuddled with JR for a bit then went home.
I think it was okay that I wanted that physical attention in that moment. I don’t think that is something i need to think about changing.
I did some financial assessment of my earning and spending and realized just how much i actually spend on eating out every month. It’s atrocious and it is stopping beginning with dinner. No more eating out dinner everyday. Once a week is okay for now. Lunches will soon follow.
Counsellors are funny. You tell them you’re depressed and they ask you what you are happy about. My counsellor asked me what really stimulates me in life. I said I didn’t know. I’d like to change that. I’d like more than anything to be passionate about some aspect of living. For the following list I’d like to define thing that stimulate me as things that are more than just good. To get on this list, a list of things that stimulate me, they have to be on par with getting-high-kinf-of-profound. Here’s a beginning of a list (not including sexual actitivities)…
Hey ****, I miss you too. Tell me about the rut, holy shit. I am really missing putting up work out there, i had a memory the other day of that unmatched thrill and self-gratification of putting up a stencil or poster in a public place.
Remember that mary with the cogs poster i made? I have a six foot tall stencil of her with the cogs, i just need to cut it.
My life has turned so normal in the past six months. Without even meaning to I transitioned from a career artist, actively pursuing my artwork to a “normal” life of working 9-5 and getting paid every friday and eating dinner at restaurants every night and going to bed at a reasonable time. fuck, it’s frustrating cause I miss my old life.
this got my attention.
nick.
I’ve been doing a lot of Google searches for phrase strings such as “powerbook g4 hard drive dead” and “powerbook g4 system profiler recognize”. I’ve just read a lot of other PowerBook owner’s woes described on their blogs about their PowerBook’s failed hard drive.
As you can tell, I’ve had my own disaster this week. About a week ago I was doing dishes and when I turned around my PowerBook was flashing the ominous “Flashing Question Mark of Death”. This means that the computer cannot find the system disk, the hard disk which contains the operating system. With no operating system the computer just flashes the question mark telling you it needs an operating system to run off of. So, I booted up off the OSX install CD, and ran Disk Utility and could not find my internal hard drive. I installed a fresh copy of OSX on an external drive and booted off that. Ran Disk Utility, Disk Warrior, Tech Tool Pro, Drive Genus with no luck. No drive.
I gave up on my internal drive and have been making due with the basic install of 10.3.2 on the external drive.
Today I decided to give my internal one last chance to live. I carefully opened my powerbook, which took about 45 minutes to do properly. They certainly don’t make it easy to access the PowerBook’s guts. once inside, i removed the HD and holding it in my hand shook it in the air in every direction vigorously for 20 seconds. Put it back in and hooked up the internal ribbon to the keryboard so i could boot er up. No luck booting off the internal drive, but atleast I wasn’t getting the dreaded question mark. Instead, I would get to the startup progress bar to have it sit and stall at “Waiting for Local Disks”. I restarted, booting in safe mode OS off the external drive. Presto. I open system profiler and see that my computer is now recognizing my internal drive. YAY! Without wasting any time, I am now backing up the entire contents of the internal drive to the external drive. Once done, I will run a series of diagnostics on the internal drive. I’m sure it’s days are numbered. Harddrives are like tires on a car, they are spinning constantly and eventually wear out. I will have to get a new one eventually, but atleast this clever manouvre saved me all my otherwise lost data.
