Category: Uncategorized

too much
too little
too late
knotted tiny splinters
beneath skin
abscess decay
chronic aneurysm
unfettered desires
effort too much
too long
how long?

Had a very satisfying last few days of existence. My life is so full today. I was walking somewhere yesterday, remarking to myself how it has been months since I have had a ‘boring’ moment in my day. And rarely ever am I dissatisfied. My probelms today are really in themselves, amazingly insignificant and only the spice that comes with eating really good food.

I quit smoking again. I haven’t poisoned myself in 5 whole days. Once the cigarettes are gone, once that smoke is out of my system, having followed ev ery other poison out of my body, a surge of life flows in to me to replenish all that had been depleted. I feel original. Pure. As I was when I was born, and so I am – reborn. Totally free from mood-altering substances. All that I source from life now is natural energy, from the nutrients i put in my stomach, the conversations and music i fill my ears with, the motions I put my body through every day, the energy i put in to the work i do, the relationships i foster, the service i do for others, the information i learn; it is now all part of a symbiotic relationship that is not destructive in anyway but is creative, a process of daily creation, rejuventation and reincarnation.

I haven’t much time to write now. But I do want to record a few things, partcularly how my weekend was, which I wrote about in this email to my father:

Dad:

Thanks for your email. Sarah seemed really happy all night. I think she must have been feeling quite accomplished, as she should. I’m not sure if Sarah told you about the Grad Show. Lorea and I went down there and met up with Sarah and John and later, Mike and Liz. John’s roommates were there as well, as well as a bunch of friends of Lorea’s, Sarah’s and mine that we chanced to meet there. There was quite a big turnout, it was very crowded. So crowded that there was a few times where both Sarah and I started to feel panicky. Luckily there was quiet, unpopulated places to retreat to. After spending quite some time at Emily Carr looking at all the art Lorea and I went downtown to go see a band, “Ladyhawk” play at a little store called “Goon Pack”. Goon Pack puts all their regular merchandise away for the evening and hosts events like bands every once in a while. Lorea and I had some mexican food around midnight at a little mexican joint around the corner. My good friend, Rob came and met up with us at the show. The band was put on a really good show. After their set, we left and ran in to Sarah, John and John’s roommates who all had cabbed downtown to come to the show but unfortunately were a bit late. We walked through gastown together, all of us and checked out another bar which we all decided was “not happening”. We all were pretty tired by this point so we all decided to call it a night. Rob drove Sarah, John and John’s roommates back to their houses and Lorea and I came back to my house to watch a movie and go to sleep. It was a fantastic night.

Thank mom again for the dinner, if you get a chance. It was delicious. Those strawberries were fresh!

I’m not sure, but you may be able to correct those photos that had an incorrect white balance in Photoshop using the “Photofilter…” adjustment under the menu Image/Adjustment.

This photo of John, Sarah, Me and Mom looks amazing!! It’s really a great photo! I’d really like a print of it, if you can do that. A 5×7 would be nice. I will bring you photopaper next time I see you if you want to print them on your printer.

Sarah’s trip snuck up fast. Thanks for reminding me.

While Sarah was getting ready for grad we must have seemed preoccupied to you — there was a lot going on!

It didn’t even bother me. Don’t worry about it, I understand. You have been very supportive of her. It’s great!

On sunday, Lorea took me to a yoga class at Bikram’s Yoga on Commercial Drive. It was the first time I had ever done it. It was an amazing experience! It takes a lot of discipline and can really be quite strenuous, more than i imagined. After my first class, I was so excited about it I got Lorea and I each one month unlimited passes to the yoga studio. We went again together today at 8am because i didn’t have to work, and we are planning on going everyday for the next month. It is great exercise, balance training and most importantly is very meditative for the mind and soul. It really brings you to a place where you feel free from everything and totally at one with yourself – a very spiritual experience. I am going tomorrow before work to the 6am class. It must take something really amazing to get me up at 5am to make it to the class!

Hope you are well.

Love,
Nick.

I feel so fucking alive.

sometime last week i flipped my couch over and threw a piece of glass on top of it for cutting stencils. I still haven’t put everything back in it’s neat and proper place. It’s nice to feel like I’m an artist again. I’m actually making art and thinking about it a lot. What I want to say. How I want to say it. How to make people pay attention to what I have to say. The audience is important to me. I don’t make art “just cause I like to do it”. I feel that what I say, when I say it, the way that I say it, people respond positively to it. They tell me they like what they see. They tell me it makes them think about things. I enjoy making other people think about things that I think about. That’s communication, right? I don’t care much for ‘artist status’, or noteriety but i do care to have people listen. To acknowledge my existence. To shoot me in the face every now and then so I know that I’m still alive and not a ghost.

On top of the glass, on top of the overturned couch is a box of oil paints. Some have been given to me. Some I bought today along with a bunch of brushes, some fresh canvases, some mineral spirits and some paint thinner. I saw a guy’s paintings the other day that made me really want to paint. Stencils have their place. I know I am good, technically, at stencilling. I have many things I want to say through my street art – through stencils on the street. Street stencils have the wonderful virtue of being in someone’s way even if they don’t want to look. There they are, right on Robson. Right on Granville. Right on Davie. You can’t ignore it cause it’s so out of place, because most people don’t take the time out of their lives to go through the effort of making something meaningful or beautiful in public places. Most people are too wound up in the race, the pursuit of success and happiness to seek that in something that is socially interactive. When i see a street stencil i think to myself, someone took the time to meticulously cut, place and spray that stencil so that when I walk down the street we can be connected. It transcends time and space, atleast for the day or so that it stays up before some city fuck paints over it. But that is their perogative. To silence the speaking ones in the name of business and capitalist progress. Power to you. Power to you. I’ve never been happy with a single stencil that I have put on canvas. My oil paintings will be for a different purpose. The end result is to have them hung in someone’s domain. That is an awfully different environment than the transience of the street. Oil takes time. It’s a slow medium. And i find that attractive.

I need a studio. This apartment is too small for two. I need a studio. I want to make noise. I want to make a mess. I want a space seperate from my studio for living. with nice oak furniture, earth tones. natural fibres, grains and fabrics. Lots of light. High ceilings would be nice. Oak floors would be nice. But for the studio – a garage would be ideal. A garage with a renovated second floor would be ideal. Chance that I should be offered just that today from a woman who randomly told me she loves my paintings and admires my street art and thinks I should live in the suite above her garage. I would bargain for space in the garage. The problem is the location – too far from the hustle and heartbeat of downtown. Too pastoral. Not enough grit. I need some grit. I like the EastSide. I feel at home over here. Things usually fall in to my lap when they are supposed to. In that I seem to suggest I believe in destiny, which I need to clarify that I do not. Just that sometimes it is nice to not worry. To figure that that which does not kill you makes you stronger. And that a positive life leads in positive directions. I believe that i determine my own destiny, and that sometimes it is not even a necessary action that breeds the desired change but that also thought can do that as well. Read about string theory. My mind isn’t really that far from yours. physically. it’s not. there’s really just a bunch of molecules seperating us. and all those molecules interact with each other. So, ESP isn’t really that far off. neither is levitation. neither is willing things in to existence simply through thought. That’s what i mean by things falling in to my lap.

I’ve met the most amazing person. She is the greatest pet.

Drag him out your window
Dragging out the dead
Singing I miss you
Snakes and ladders flip the lid
Out pops the cracker
Smacks you in the head
Knifes you in the neck
Kicks you in the teeth
Steel toe caps
Takes all your credit cards
Get up get the gunge
Get the eggs
Get the flan in the face
The flan in the face
The flan in the face
Dance you fucker dance you fucker
Don’t you dare
Don’t you dare
Don’t you flan in the face
Take it with the love its given
Take it with a pinch of salt
Take it to the taxman
Let me back
Let me back
I promise to be good
Don’t look in the mirror at the face you don’t recognize
Help me, call the doctor, put me inside
put me inside
put me inside
put me inside
put me inside

Mercurial affection
Given on the x of every x days clean
A sorry excuse for an existence
This once addicted to a daily dose of methamphetamines
It’s okay
It’s okay
Really it’s okay
One day I shall rise on the 33rd
The assiduous attempt by a coniferous forest
Just An atom and you ask why?
Addictionary for minors
Apocraphy of anaphorisms abound
Average lifespan <36 hours
It’ll be alright
It’ll be alright
It’ll be gone in <48 hours
I can acknowledge you
With the right reasons
Believe in me and I’ll believe in you
I’ll be living in you
When you’re living without me

The iron is getting hot.

Worked some Step 4 action over the weekend on a flury of nagging issues that have been bussing in my head for the last while. They became too much for me and I pursued a solution to the suffering by doing some written work on it. Amazing the difference. Profound clarity attained through simply getting those buzzing issues down on paper and having an objective look at them. The resentment, the anger, the hurt, the fear. Write. The cause of said emotions. Write. The instincts in me affected – self-esteem, personal relationships, material security, emotional security, sexual instinct, ambitions. Write. My reaction and defects – jealousy, fear, selfishness, inconsideration, self-seeking, pride. Write.
Then, tonight, I had a chance to read it all through with another person. Read it to him. As a witness, to make it tangible. To make my faults and defects and wrongs in those situations known to another human. It’s simple. It’s therapeutic. It ables me to breakdown the intricacies of my mind and not get wrapped up in it. To observe where I am at error, where I need acceptance, and what solutions I can pursue to solve the problems.

Step 6 suggests, “I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” God. God. God. entirely ready. To have. God. remove. REMOVE. To have God remove. all these defects of character.

How do you do a 6th step if you don’t believe in God?

I’m alright with the becoming willing part. I don’t like these issues. These fears. These resentments. I don’t like them. They cause me pain. Emotional, physical, and spiritual blockages to my wellbeing. I don’t want them and I am very willing and entirely ready to have them go away. That’s the whole reason I pursued this course of action in the first place. Cause I couldn’t deal with the pain. But here’s the kicker: “to have God remove…”

• But first I need to backup to step 3 which suggested I “made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him.” I can’t deal with the literal Christian colloquialisms in that phraseology, so I interpret that as saying I “made a decision to take the action necessary to bring about change.” The action necessary is the rest of the steps. Okay, on we go…

I did step 4. I did step 5, naturally skipping the part where it says “admitting to God our defects” cause there is no God, and to admit through prayer to God would be to admit to myself which I’ve already done by admitting to another human. No problem. Feel great. So, I’ve ommitted God from the equation until I hit step 6 when it mentions God again. Maybe I need to make something clear. I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in an eternal, intelligent creator of the universe, or an omnipresent ‘being’ and especially not the dogma of the Christian God referred to in these steps. I don’t believe in God. I believe in personal responsibilty for all actions, thoughts and emotions and it is our responsibilty as members of a godless world to get our own shit straight and stop praying to a God that isn’t listening cause her or it doesn’t exist. Sure, I have defects. Sure, I’m entirely ready to have them go away. But there ain’t no God who’s gonna just come and do the dirty work for me and fix everything just cause I ask him to. I think what step 6 should say is “We became willing to remove our defects.”

The crux of the step 6 is to become willing to not be suffering anymore from our affected instincts. And to do that I don’t need God. I need to take action. And action is what Steps 7-9 are about.

Step 7, again is again a reference to God: “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.” It’s no wonder people such as myself who are not the least bit fond of the idea of God have a hard time with these steps. They are so dogmatic it’s hard to see what the point is. Like I already said, God is not going to remove our shortcomings. That is our responsibilty, to take action to remove them: In instances where my suffering is caused by be hurting others, through rectifying my actions. In cases where I am inconsiderate and selfish, having compassion for those people. In cases where I am jealous, have gratitude. In cases where I am fearful, free myself from the bondage of fear which in the moment does not exist but only exists in thought of the future and memories of the past. And that is my course of action to bring about change.

So then what about the aftermath of my defects? What about the people I harmed through my unweildy actions and attitudes? I need to make amends, and that is what Step 8 and 9 are about. Step 8 is just a list of people we harmed and how we harmed them. This list is derived directly from those people on the step 4 list. Once the list is made, it’s on to Step 9 where the amends are actually made. Amends come in two varieties: Ones that need to be made externally and ones that need to be made internally. External amends are things like financial amends, verbal amends made to others for our harsh behaviours which we are now amending internally. Internal amends are living amends – changes in the way we live. I used to steal people’s money, it caused be suffering in the end and I made internal amends by ceasing to steal people’s money. An external amend will also need to follow – repaying that which I took. It’s important to right the wrongs of the past, but more important to ensure we don’t keep repeating those wrongs.

Here’s my summary, the original steps 3-9 and my altered steps to accomodate my godless condition:

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all people we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

typing this on my powerbook. haven’t actually typed on this keyboard in a long time. Since i got my gaming computer I pretty much just use my mac for making music, editing photos, emailing, some surfing (if my pc is tied up) and largely as a really expensive iTunes jukebox. All my iTunes library, all 30GB of it is on my external harddrive, routing a library of over 4,000 songs and audiobooks to my stereo. technology is grand.

tonight i saw Treacherous Machete and opening act The Nervous Breakdowns play at Pat’s Pub on Hastings. fucking awesome show. Machete play down right fucking old school blues-influenced rock n fucking roll. it was an inspiring sound. just two members, a drummer named Nick and a wicked guitarist/singer named Burnside. After the show I told them they rocked and told them that I’d like to play bass for them sometime. They said, “alright, we totally think that a bass would sound cool.” Got numbers, made plans, and now I’m jamming with them in a week or so. Stoked. Fucking stoked. I’m in no way implying that I am ditching on my current bands, Moaner or Hotrod Hatred, but I am excited to be able to play bass with a gigging band that has a bunch of songs and could totally use my skills. Moaner is still a very valuable environment for me to work on song writing, and Hotrod Hatred is a fucking fun band to play with, when we play together.

That is all.

oh crying girl, you’re so emotional and i love it so much. expressivityness is nice to see in someone. this message made me smile a huge smile and laugh outloud in joy. seriously. fuck, you rock. i really am happy to be cutting these stencils. just for today, i am happy about it. tomorrow’s another day.

“i can feel like i have nothing to say onthe phone, and then start typing 2seconds later and just go off…weird

i’m the exact same way about it. some people have a way with words spoken that i just don’t have. it’s like my mind is a little slower and more methodical than is fit for spoken conversation someteimes. haha, i was jsut thinking abou us having like “conversation stations”. two computers in my place so that whenever we need to really discuss something important we assume our stations and talk to each other through typing. haha. nerd. i think ‘nerd’ is so outdated. seems like everyone is techno-savy these days and if they’re not then they are the ones who are missing out. our generation is so radically different than even from ten years ago. it’s great to be a part of. i know my smoking bugs you though, it would bug me as well if i was not smoking and you started. so, your concerns are very warranted. as for right now in this moment, it is making me happy – smoking that is. partially cause you’re not here so i know it is not possible for it to physically bother you – the smell, the taste in my mouth etc. but you’re worth it to me to be courteous and likeable, so that is definitely one of the key reasons i don’t want to smoke when you’re here or present. i just get so fucking rotten when i don’t smoke and am withdrawing off nicotine. i get really irritable and anxious and am not fun to be around and generally hate existing. it’s a rough time but it’s something i will need to go through to, as i said, be courteous and likeable for you. so… bear with me.

i just got back from a day outside. such a fucking gorgeous day out. cherry blossoms, sunny, warm and breezy. i woke up at noon and had coffee at JJ with an old friend – Anna Silverman. you know her. it was nice to see old friends. she is doing well, dating this guy that i know from AA, interestingly enough. She’s totally in love with him and I am totally in love with you, and it was nice having that pressure off so we could just talk about our spouses and being in committed relationships. then i walked up main street. then back down main street. ran into a bunch of my friends who had taken up residence on a patch of grass with guitars. breanna was there, JR came up there too and we had a really fun time there. felt like wreck beach, ya know that vibe? talked with breanna about you and it was really nice cause she is happy for me that you and i are together. she likes you a lot. i told her about you and i and how it’s been really nice the past coupel days to just have some space and be able to do whatever i want with my time, and to have the freedom to hang out with my group of friends and make art and write – things that i have neglected over the past while. she gave me some good advice about dealing with it all. spoke some sense in to me about what is not my responsibility – your emotions and what is my responsibility – my actions and boundaries. it was nice. i just walked home. the cherry blossom trees reminded mye of you cause they are so fucking beautiful – cheese but true cheese.

Tonight – going to have dinner at Briony’s new place downtown.

TOnight i am going to a drag-king show with Rob and Breanna. Never been to a drag-king show. rob is basically twisting my arm to go with him, i think cause he wants the male support. there’s just gonna be a shitload of man-hating dykes there… i don’t know why he wants to go. Breanna’s worried about running in to her stalker ex-girlfriend. haha. her ex is a drag-king. a girl that wants to be a guy… wears a strapon all the time under her pants and wants to go on testosterone. i’m not even kidding. after that we’re going to a rock show at Pat’s Pub on Hastings. the band is Treacherous Machete. They’re on my myspace friends. Bluesy rock. kinda sound like Queens of the Stoneage and White Stripes. it’s nice going out and doing stuff. I shoudl throw-out the pre-conceived notion of what going out with a girlfriend is like and just have fun with you like this. go out more. live more. be less of a let-down. throw off the imaginary chains that i imagine i am in when i am around you. you’re gonna think about that last sentence now… but maybe you understand what i am saying and i don’t have to explain more.

gonna cut stencils now and listen to rock n roll.

love you baby.

and yes, i find it very attractive that you are working now. that you are building some structure in to your life and amped about stuff.

love
n.

Holy fuck it’s been a while. My counsellor told me she recommends I start blogging again, or if I don’t feel inclined to write in my blog to write somewhere else somewhere I feel free to do so. She noted that it is something she thinks is really missing from my life. My life is so transient. Things come and go quite frequently. But I agree with her. I really do benefit a lot from being able to write and writing is something that has fallen to the wayside lately, in lieu of other matters and activities taking up residence in my cluttered head.

Cluttered.
That is truly something that I have become in the last month that I can say was not there immediately prior to that. At least that is what I recall. And my counsellor backs me on that.

I’m smoking. Yes, I am smoking. It is gross blah blah blah. I know just as you know and I know all the shitty things about it better than you, believe it or not. I was at my mom’s house the other day and i told her about it, that “I have been having a rough go at smoking lately.” I was really happy to be able to tell her that. For most of my life I told her very little about what was really going on with me. My communication with her and the rest of my family was shrouded in avoidance, denial and silence. I was relieved when I told her because when I told her, I told her because it seemed like the ‘right’ thing to do. I know she loves me and cares more about me than any other person in this world. It seemed faithful for me to tell her the truth about how I am, especially considering the amount of anguish and mental strain this particular subject has had me in over the last 3 weeks. Her reply was surprisingly copacetic. She said, “Well, I know this is hard for you. It’s the hardest thing to quit. It’s everywhere. In the past you’ve done very well at quiting and staying off nicotine for long periods of time. You’ve kicked crystal methamphetamines for good, that takes amazing strength and perseverence. I know this is hard for you.” It made me smile what she said. It meant a lot to me. A large factor behind me hiding shit from her for so long was that I was scared of her condemnation and the laying on of guilt and emotional pressure that usually came after me telling her anything that made me vulnerable. It was a trust issue. I felt she was in a place to have power over me. TO make me feel like shit when all i wanted was to be able to tell her the truth and have her show that she loves me unconditionally. My girlfriend has a similar approach to the way my mom used to deal with this subject. She asks, pries as to if I’ve been smoking. I tell her the truth and I do not receive the compassionate response i need to shelter my insecurity and vulnerability in that moment of evident weakness. Lorea acts similarly regarding my smoking as my mom used to about my using. Guilt, shame and retraction are emotions that follow. I can rephrase this without putting the heavy on Lorea. My automatic REACTION to Lorea’s response are feelings that were the same in reaction to the way my mom used to act when she, say, found out I was doing acid every week at UVic. In turn…

I just lit my whole hand on fire trying to light my cigarette with my zippo. apparently lighter fluid had leaked all over my hand before i sturck the flint. that shocked my for a second.

I have a few other “issues” buzzing around in my head that I need to work out this weekend. Sunday I am going to do a little four step action around them.

Planning a vacation to Cuba in May. I’m really excited. Going alone and I’m happy about it. I really put it out of question for a long time because i thought i’d get lonely. Now I am really confident that a week or two alone is just what I need. Just to lie on a white sand beach and read and listen to the ocean. FLoat in the pool. Eat all inclusively. tour around a bit and take some photos. Swim in the ocean. I’m excited.

Hey, I’m cutting some stencils tonight. My iron is heating up and I’ll be on that as soon as I finish writing. 20 minutes to sanity is all it takes.