Category: Uncategorized

I think it’s been a while since i’ve actually needed to write in here anything self-depricating. And that’s a good thing. Cause it’s fucking nauseating to read. nevertheless, i am awake today, looking at my left arm all cut up from something i did to myself last night. I’m ashamed of it. I’m ashamed for the way i feel. the way i felt when i did it. the way that i felt like i had no other option. it was that, or i was thinking of checking myself in to the psych ward at VGH. or scoring some crack. i figured this was the best available option. i don’t even know what my problem is. i jsut know that it was too much for me. too much for me to handle. and i felt trapped – no way out. she called my at 2am or so, and asked what i was doing. I was sitting on my floor with a blade in my arm. so lame. what am i doing? she asked if i wanted to come over. i said i did but i had been smoking. what does that have to do with you coming over, she asked. i said i stank and tasted gross and generally jsut felt like dying. not existing anymore. I’m sick of myself. of my lame problems. my fear, my insecurity, my low self worth. i really felt like she made me want to me a better person. after a little while that better person became familiar and that was just the person i was. then came the day when my problems mounted. i felt alone, detached with no one to talk to. no solution. and i took a spiral down. i want to be dirt. and then i felt like a fraud. like i lead her to believe i am someone i am not. all the trying to be great fails and i am left raw, the true being i am in all my deficiencies.

i start school tomorrow. i am going to pray for this obsession to be removed. i am going to pray to be divorced of self-pity, selfishness, fear and resentment. over and over again it is shown to me that a spiritual solution is really the only one for these kinds of problems. then i am supposed to help someone else in need. someone who’s problems are greater than mine. to get out of self. prayer and service. that is my path.

I’m not dead. not yet.

four fires in my block in the last two weeks.

got my house broken in to on sunday. video camera stolen. roommate’s ipod. some DVD’s and a bucket of change.

need to sleep.

will write soon.

and then i remember, I’ve only known her for two days over two weeks. And then i tell myself to not anticipate too much, to not expect anything, and to really be careful where I’m throwing my heart.

i asked her if i could tell her something and for her to not say anything in reply. she nodded. i said, “i like that you are stable, that you have your shit together. you’re solid and it’s really nice being with someone who is wholesome.” she said nothing and we just gazed at each other in the static glow of the paused tv. when we look at each other we look at each other plainly, no drama, no front, no facade. blank right to the core. we sometimes just look at each other like that for minutes, not saying a word, nothing verbal, nothing nonverbal. is it telepathy? are we having a conversation? it oftentimes feels like it. i like it. it’s comforting. there is a quiet in that gaze. a stillness besets me like an all consuming sedation enshrouded in the freedom of a field’s morning dew. forever once, and never always. i will not be sentimental like that. the future is never so i will let this pass. knowing it is forever always there i need not be wistful. i need not be sentimental before i die.

so we had our first DTR (define the relationship) talk last night. Oh boy. It was actually good to clarify things, I suppose. And she verbalized almost exactly what I had assumed anyway. She was in a 12 year relationship seperated by a 6 month break following in to her latest 2 year relationship. And they broke up in March. I was really not expecting her to want to jump right back in to an intense relationship and so far that has held true. She told me she cannot share 100% of herself right now. It terrifies her to think of being back in a relationship like the last one she was in. I told her I could relate and I feel the same way. I enthusiastically thanked her for her honesty and told her that I pretty much had guessed that’s where she is at and that I am not exactly eager to jump back in to an intense relationship either. We’re both fucking terrified of codependant relationships, of being tied down, of being controlled, of any limitation. She told me she really digs me. She told me I’m totally cute and handsome. I told her that was redundant. She laughed. So, I’m gonna let her drive, and let her call me when she wants. I want to see where she defines our relationship as comfortable. However, I have a creeping suspicion that now that we are mutually attracted to one another and are actually getting to know one another, there is little either of us can do to control where this is going.

Tamar.
Met a girl named Tamar. I really dig her. She’s gone for a few days. Been thinking about her a lot while she’s been gone. Been thinking about her a lot all week. I know this already, but it sure is nice to have someone to think about. Maybe it’s just a distraction. Is everything just a distraction from the immportant thing? and what is the important thing?

haven’t talked to Lorea in a while. Feels good. Feels good to feel like I am me again. Like I am growing again, and not suffocating in pain. In time everythingfadesaway.

Haven’t smoked a cigarette since last monday. I smoked a bit of a cigar last night and it was disgusting. Been thinking about how to rid myself of the obsession to smoke cigarettes. Doing a fearless and thorough moral inventory of myself followed by a look at my harms done to others followed by a start at ammending my harms and rectifying my defects has led me to rid myself of the obsession to get high and drink alcohol. Curious why if my spiritual condition is such as to remove the obession to smoke meth why then is the obsession to smoke cigarettes not removed. That’s what I asked devitt today. That’s what I wanted to know. I hate the obsession. I don’t mean just the thought. Just thoughts I can resist. But obsessions for me are thoughts that I have no mental defence against. It is a curious mental insanity during which all reason is gone, all ability to resist is useless and I end up doing whatever it is… smoking, fucking, getting high anyway. Always followed by regret immediately after or during.

Fucking gonna play loud guitar tomorrow. Not now, i have neighbours. Put new strings on brantley’s Telecaster. I almost like it now better than my Stratocaster. they both have their place. The tele is more lead-oriented.

haven’t played vids in a while.

Drinking a lot of water. Allow myself the luxury of buying 1.5litre bottles of water whenever i want. I figure it is worth the cost in bennefit to my wellbeing. I hardly want to smoke when I have my bottle of water. I feel better when I am hydrating. I don’t crave bad food when I drink lots of water. My thoughts are clearer. More focused. I feel healthier.

Been running a lot. pretty much every day that i work. days that i don’t work i still get some form of exercise. Skimboarding with the Cory or Rob. Riding with Devitt. Going for walks with people and talking. Walks are nice. Tamar and I went on a walk on our second encounter. It was totally nice. Opened me up to the idea. Took Briony for a walk today. A short one. It’s nice to see things. Not stand still. Keep the cardio up while living.

Sometimes i think I suck. Sometimes I think I’m really pretty alright.

Loneliness sucks a lot. Feeling in love, that tingly sensation that tells you you’re special in someone else’s eyes, could just be a flight from the fear of loneliness.

It takes a lot more than just a hot girl to turn me on. To get hard I actually have to feel spiritually connected as well as physically attracted. Never used to be that way. Atleast, I never comprehended it as such. I’m alright with it. I’m done being a slut. I think.

My room mate is home. HAve to hastle her.

hey nick,

what she wants…
she doesn’t want you.
she wants them instead.
she doesn’t even know who they are yet.
but the door must be kept open.
commitment is a bitch.
so is responsibility.
no one likes chains.
she doesn’t want you.
so stop thinking it.
she doesn’t want your sex.
no more implying in text.
bark bark bark little doggy.
barking up the wrong tree.
no more manipulation.
no more sentimentality.
just a letter on a door
that says “do not enter”.

go fuck yourself,
sincerely, the truth.

I’m guilty. it’s true. I was working on the westside today and i actually went out of my way to drive by her house… twice. and here’s the creepiest part. the first time i drove by i didn’t just drive by. it was sunny out and i thought maybe she’d be lying in her backyard tanning. so i parked and walked over to the fence to see if i could see her. i didn’t. i got back in my car and went back to work.

there’s certain things that i won’t ever write in here.

i have a pinched nerve in my neck and another in my right shoulder blade. it hurts whenever i am exerting myself, which is pretty well all day.

tomorrow i have to phone about getting renter’s insurance. I also need to call the Canadian Firearms Center place about getting my firearms license. devitt, rob, ward and i are going to arm. in order to possess and acquire a gun in canada you must pass a written and practical test based on the Canadian Firearms Safety Course. in order to possess and acquire a restricted firearm in canada you must additionally take the Canadian Restricted Firearms Safety Course. Restricted firearms include handguns, semi-automatics with a barrel length of less than 470mm and firearms that can fire after being reduced, by folding, telescoping or otherwise to a length of less than 660mm. I plan on getting a handgun or possibly a semi-auto rifle. Shit is going to go down in my life-time. Our society WILL crumble in my lifetime and I don’t want to be one of the ones without a gun when our society is in total anarchy. Also starting planning with rob on an emergency safe location away from the city. Ideally a place within distance of one tank of gas with fertile land, fresh water supply etc.

Just wanted to make an amendment to that last post. I feel what i said may come across as blaming her for not being a certain way that would have made things work. that’s a pretty fucked up way for me to look at it and i hate looking at it that way. What’s really going on is I AM the fucked up one. I am the one with unrealistic views, lacking compassion and understanding. It was because of how I am that I caused myself so much pain when we were together and it is because of my fucked up dysfuntional nature that I am now so fucked up, raw and hurting.

It’s not you. You’re gonna find someone who loves you more than i can, loves you exactly how you are, no matter what you do. Aparently i am not that person right now.

fuck. fuck. fuck.

she makes me wanna die.
I am fucking hurting so much. this sucks. I didn’t really expect this to be this hard. I really can’t expect any sympathy from anyone. there’s nothing anyone can say to make this feel any better. there’s really nothing i can do do make it hurt any less. i feel heartbroken. i feel lost and alone.

when i’m at work it’s not so bad. i am thinking about dimensions and angles and trying not to hurt myself with power tools. whenever i have a moment with my thoughts all i can think about is she and she is all i can think about. it’s sick and obsessive and i can’t get out of it. it’s all consuming and all day today i was actually experiencing a physical reaction to it. I could feel the pain in my body. it felt like a harsh anxiety. Like when i was driving i wanted to swerve in to the oncoming lane just to get in an accident and be comotose and make it stop. I was driving by the psych ward at VGH and thought about maybe checking myself in for a few days to just chill out and come off this. I was in the shower and considered slicing up my arms but then i wouldn’t be able to donate blood so i considered slashing my legs and i had to tell myself i am over that.

oh yeah, the blood thing: I called last week in attempt to get out of myself, to stop thinking about my pain and to be of service to others. I called to make an appointment to donate blood. then they told me i am barred from donating till the 5th of august. apparently my blood is no good. apparently that last time i went to donate blood i got through all the checks until they looked at the scars on my arms from my then frash slashing and i had to tell them what it was from. then they asked me a list of twenty questions again, like had i had intercourse with an IV drug user in the past 6 months and i had to say yes. I’m not a very good liar. so they rejected me. and apparently barred me from donating for a year. and so i got rejected again. there’s few things that compare to having an authority on health tell you your body is not good enough to be of any use to others. especially when you’re just trying to ‘do the right thing’ and be of service.

so i’m still stuck with working with drunks and drug addicts. took a couple to a meeting tonight again. hated every minute of it. prayed before hand for the willingness and strength to get through with it. prayed to be relieved of the bondage of self, my fucking selfish thinking that is plaguing me so i can give myself entirely to helping these people. it helped a little. not much. i still wanted to leave the meeting after 15 minutes. no one had anything of any value to say. they were all bitching and whining. i couldn’t leave though because i had to drive the two newcomers back to their recovery house. it came my turn to share and i said that am scared. i am scared particularly when i have to share. I feel like i have really something special, i have been relieved of the obsession to use drugs and that’s fucking amazing. I did the work outlined in the 12 steps and to my amazement and disbelief, i no longer have the all-consuming obsession let alone the desire to use drugs or to drink. I am scared when i am asked to share that i will not be able to clearly transmit the way in which i am transformed from what i was and how exactly i did it. so i essentially just told them i am scared and to read the big book cause what i did is layed out in there.

as i said, working with others isn’t really relieving this pain at all. i jsut want her so badly. i want her in my arms. i want her warm body next to mine. i want us to be lying quietly and for her to tell me she loves me. i want her to tell me i make her happy. i want her to tell me she wants my children. i want her to tell me she’s the only one she wants. i want to be the only one she wants. i want her to stop fooling around with other guys. i want to have a house and a dog with her. I want to cook amazing meals with her. I want her to be outrageously happy to see me and to be with me. I want to just know that we have an eternal bond without either of us saying anything. I want serenity with her. I want to trust her. I want to run my fingers all over her smooth naked back once more… ghosts, remember. I want to have the most amazing sex i have ever had again and again with her like that time not very long ago. I want to have the most amazing sex with her every day except for days when we just want to hold each other and that’s okay. I want her to love herself. I want her to stop selling herself short. I want her to stop working fights as a ringgirl and getting paid to be naked for other people. I want all these things and I think what I want from her is her to be someone she is not. I think these things are too much to ask from her. I think i don’t know what i have to offer her. I think if she would tell me honestly, she wants from me things that i am incapable of giving her. like understanding and compassion and trust. I don’t think i can give her those things that i know she wants.

this isn’t making me feel ANY better. in fact it’s making me feel worse. why the fuck did i write that. get it out, right? should i delete it? fuck it. i don’t care anymore. I still miss her. I still want her in my arms. I know it would fucking hurt to have her in my arms. and it fucking hurts to not have her in my arms. i wish i could just take a stand and stay away from her. but i can’t. why i am i so drawn to her? I jsut said that she can’t give me what I want and I can’t give her what she wants, so what’s the deal? why are we still crazy about each other? Is it becuase we occasionally give each other a spectacular intangible feeling that in that moment surpases all the bad shit? are we just chasing a pipe dream? Or is it that we are so fucking close to being each other’s perfect partner but both fall short of it and so we are left wishing those deficiencies away in hopes that the whole union would be perfect? It drives me to insanity all day thinking about these things. how many times a day do i write her text messages and then delete them without sending them? how many times a day do i think about what she is doing.

alone. alone. alone.

Lonely. Still. Yes I am. Fuck I hate this. Ann the other day was talking about a friend of ours who has been whining about his broken heart for 8 months and her response was, “fuck man, i’ve had a broken heart for 6 years and you don’t see me whining.” It scared me to think that i might feel this way for upwards of 6 years.

Forgetting to take my antibiotics.
Missed three counsellor appointments in the last week. Keep appologizing. Keep rescheduling. I asked her what is wrong with me. I am having severe difficulty getting to those appointments. She told me I went through this last summer as well. I was in a depression like i am now, she called it a depression and then she corrected herself and called it a ‘low spot’. whatever. She told me I could not seem to make it to her appointments last summer either when I was heartbroken. And this is the time when I need her the most. I told her about my dream last night. I dreamt that I had relapsed and met her for coffee to tell her what happened. I couldn’t even speak. I was just bawling my eyes out. I really wanted to kill myself. skytrain, bus, bridge. who knows. It was a really intense dream. then i woke up to the most annoying alarm clock ring on my phone. I almost fell back asleep and missed work but i imagined i had no option over it. I removed my will from the situation and got out of bed, on my knees and prayed for the first time in a long time. I just prayed for god to take away my difficulties so that victory over them would bear witness to those i may help fo thy love thy power and thy all greatness. hail satan. praise jesus. hari krishna. I had to repeat “take away my difficulties” about ten times before i really felt my difficulties had been removed; in that particular situation the difficulty being my desire to fuck work and get back in bed.
holy fucking tangent.

and i thought i had nothing to say.

I am trying to quit smoking and have only smoked 6 cigarettes all day. That’s quite the drop from my usual 30-40 a day.

I sent her a text message. I knew I shouldn’t have. I knew it was the less-wise thing to do. But I was also in a fuck of a lot of emotional pain and anxiety. not aided at all by the ol’ nicotine withdrawl. why do i have to miss her so much. it fucking kills me. everywhere i fucking look I see her. I see some girl’s hair in a magazine and think of her hair. Someone says something a certain way like she used to and it breaks my soul. I see places we used to go, i think of the good times we had together and it just is fucking hurting me. IT IS HURTING ME. So I just had to text her. I knew it wasn’t a wise idea but i did it anyway. I just said “I miss you and it fucking hurts.” Except maybe without the ‘fucking’. She replied. Told me she is in agony as well and has been crying nonstop since sunday and that she didn’t excpect to hear from me for a long time. The more I hurt the more I want her. The more I want her the more it hurts. I want a goddamn cigarette. No i don’t. You just
think you do. You want her beside you naked and close. No you don’t. You just think you do. Atleast the pain of not smoking somewhat takes the attention off the pain of being alone.

REading this book called The Power Of Intention by last name Dwyer. He was talking about how ego, our personal chatterbox mind voice that is the person “I” in the statement “I am me” is a pain in the ass. In particular, this ego gets in the way of our ability to realize our intentions – our intentions being our ambitions; the path of god; our life destiny; etc etc. Dwyer talks about how there are six ingredients to the ego that empower the ego to cause us to experience that feeling of disconnectedness and disharmony. Here are the six ego beliefs:

1. I am what I have. My posessions define me.

2. I am what I do. My achievements define me.

3. I am what others think of me. My reputation defines me.

4. I am seperate from everyone. My physical body defines me as alone.

5. I am seperate from all that is missing in my life. My current life space is disconnected from my desires.

6. I am seperate from God. My life depend’s on God’s assessment of my worthiness.

Well, I am really happy to have read that fourth egoic belief. Cause I am so in that right now. You know what helps me? This is what I do. I imagine myself in a dreamy field. There are flowers. It is the most perfect day. I fill in this daydream with all the best things i can think of and then i imagine her there with me. Everything is perfect. It is perfect only because it is not existing in this physical world but it is existing in a spiritual place that I am creating with my imagination. This place is pure. Intended that way. We are together and what seperates this vision from just a thought is that she is there with me. Not just imagined but her spirit is actually there with my spirit. together. in perfect unison. we are united and together forever in each other’s loving, tender embrace. everything is effortless and fear does not even exist there. I can visit her whenever I want and she can visit me whenever she wants. It is in this spiritual place that I find my sanctuary. The only place I can escape this pain that seems inherant with the physical, emotional world.

Must go to sleep now. see you in the spirit world.