Today was mostly a useless day. I got little accomplished. And I was distracted for most of it. distracted and ambivolent about sitting still and trying to memorize information. went for a couple long walks.
i was looking at my stomach today and i think i am getting fatter. definitely fatter that i was a month ago. i’m chalking it up to it being winter and being an animal fattening itself for the oncoming cold season… however, IT’S NOT WINTER.
here’s the other thing. if i was serious, if i was sure being a musician was what i wanted to do, i would move to LA and start a band there. that scares the shit out of me. what also scares the shit out of me is turning 30 and having not left the safe haven of vancouver because i was too chicken-shit to try things out. is it that fear? or is it lack of drive keeping me in Vancouver? Or is it that I am happy day-to-day doing what i am doing?
don’t get me started thinking about the future. statistically, happiness and time spent thinking about the future are inversely proportional (negatively correlated).
went to see rancid at the CCC tonight with T and abra. Tamar’s plans kind of fell through and I was stoked that she offered to take me! I had hella fun. I like watching musicians rock out, regardless of the genre. I am fascinated with their gear, their stage presence, their interactions etc. The more I listen to this thing called punk music the more i realize what i like and don’t like about certain bands. It’s really fun discovering new music.
Herbalizer in the beginning of October at the Commodore. yay! Five Alarm Funk opening. yay!
School is riveting. totally enjoying myself. Finding myself actually thinking about what I am learning and starting to be able to apply it to people and situations in real life. Having a head filled with knowledge certainly helps dispell some of the horrid thoughts.
got my bass amp and cab last night from the space. grabbed my guitar amp too. thinking of selling it. trying to build the balls to get a band together. I’d be pretty stoked to play bass for Dustin’s hardcore band that i heard him talking about. too bad he fears me cause my penis is bigger than his. honestly.
work is fun. good people i work with. there’s never enough money though. no matter how much you make it is never enough. learning how to save money and somewhat manage my finances. i did a rough estimation of how much my income will be now that i am in school and taking time off to study. i am sadly going to be earning a lot less than i was for the past year or so. oh well. if i become a psychologist i will maybe make more money. but while psychology is interesting and i would like the self-pride from accomplishing a degree, i do not currently see myself able to spend my days in that line of work. i am pretty tactile and i like solving problems. i like constructing things and finding ways to engineer things so they work better. I could really see myself being in to advertising which would fit nicely with a degree in psych. who the fuck knows. who the fuck cares.
so… comming up on two years of this blog. yay me. i feel proud of that. it’s nice to be able to look back at where i was at two years ago… go ahead, look! it’s revealing.
had a lot of fun with some rope tonight. i thought it was gonna be tedious but it turned out to be very entertaining… that’s totally not the right word for this context, but what the hell.
my life is so fucking busy it’s awesome. it’s awesome, if i look at it objectively. subjectively i am really coming to terms with a relatively uncomfortable level of stress and anxiety pretty much every day. it’s okay though. i seem to be managing. i have developed or am developing some methods of organization and planning in my daily life that allow me to take on a lot more than i ever thought possible. i build houses three days a week, usually monday, thursday and friday. then i study all day tuesday and wednesday. on my study days i try to not sleep in. i get up at a reasonable hour sometime around 9am, eat granola and yogurt or fruit if i have it and it’s not gone bad. drink some tea and delve in to the books. tuesday is critical thinking. wednesday is abnormal child psychology. saturday and sunday is psychotherapy. i usually need two days for that one cause there’s a lot of material to cover – three textbooks: psychotherapy manual, student workbook and casestudies in psychotherapy. then there’s always bulletin boards and online assignments that i need to cover.
I have been trying to hit up some meetings this past week. dropped in on ‘happy destiny’ thursday night downtown. hitup my regular friday night ‘bigbook study’. dropped in on ‘young at heart’ saturday night. oh, and then took a friend to the beginner’s meeting saturday night. fuck that is a lot of meetings for one week.
went to seattle yesterday. free show of Bedouin Soundclash and Flogging Molly at the University of Washington. fucking good times. I had a lot of fun. thought i lost my cell phone in the mosh pit but all was well when i found it in the lost and found. there are some honest people out there.
i want my bass cab in my house. i want tubes for my amp. i want a band. i want to be touring in the spring. i want to buy a 24′ sailboat and sail to Hawaii.
good night.
I think it’s been a while since i’ve actually needed to write in here anything self-depricating. And that’s a good thing. Cause it’s fucking nauseating to read. nevertheless, i am awake today, looking at my left arm all cut up from something i did to myself last night. I’m ashamed of it. I’m ashamed for the way i feel. the way i felt when i did it. the way that i felt like i had no other option. it was that, or i was thinking of checking myself in to the psych ward at VGH. or scoring some crack. i figured this was the best available option. i don’t even know what my problem is. i jsut know that it was too much for me. too much for me to handle. and i felt trapped – no way out. she called my at 2am or so, and asked what i was doing. I was sitting on my floor with a blade in my arm. so lame. what am i doing? she asked if i wanted to come over. i said i did but i had been smoking. what does that have to do with you coming over, she asked. i said i stank and tasted gross and generally jsut felt like dying. not existing anymore. I’m sick of myself. of my lame problems. my fear, my insecurity, my low self worth. i really felt like she made me want to me a better person. after a little while that better person became familiar and that was just the person i was. then came the day when my problems mounted. i felt alone, detached with no one to talk to. no solution. and i took a spiral down. i want to be dirt. and then i felt like a fraud. like i lead her to believe i am someone i am not. all the trying to be great fails and i am left raw, the true being i am in all my deficiencies.
i start school tomorrow. i am going to pray for this obsession to be removed. i am going to pray to be divorced of self-pity, selfishness, fear and resentment. over and over again it is shown to me that a spiritual solution is really the only one for these kinds of problems. then i am supposed to help someone else in need. someone who’s problems are greater than mine. to get out of self. prayer and service. that is my path.
I’m not dead. not yet.
four fires in my block in the last two weeks.
got my house broken in to on sunday. video camera stolen. roommate’s ipod. some DVD’s and a bucket of change.
need to sleep.
will write soon.
and then i remember, I’ve only known her for two days over two weeks. And then i tell myself to not anticipate too much, to not expect anything, and to really be careful where I’m throwing my heart.
i asked her if i could tell her something and for her to not say anything in reply. she nodded. i said, “i like that you are stable, that you have your shit together. you’re solid and it’s really nice being with someone who is wholesome.” she said nothing and we just gazed at each other in the static glow of the paused tv. when we look at each other we look at each other plainly, no drama, no front, no facade. blank right to the core. we sometimes just look at each other like that for minutes, not saying a word, nothing verbal, nothing nonverbal. is it telepathy? are we having a conversation? it oftentimes feels like it. i like it. it’s comforting. there is a quiet in that gaze. a stillness besets me like an all consuming sedation enshrouded in the freedom of a field’s morning dew. forever once, and never always. i will not be sentimental like that. the future is never so i will let this pass. knowing it is forever always there i need not be wistful. i need not be sentimental before i die.
so we had our first DTR (define the relationship) talk last night. Oh boy. It was actually good to clarify things, I suppose. And she verbalized almost exactly what I had assumed anyway. She was in a 12 year relationship seperated by a 6 month break following in to her latest 2 year relationship. And they broke up in March. I was really not expecting her to want to jump right back in to an intense relationship and so far that has held true. She told me she cannot share 100% of herself right now. It terrifies her to think of being back in a relationship like the last one she was in. I told her I could relate and I feel the same way. I enthusiastically thanked her for her honesty and told her that I pretty much had guessed that’s where she is at and that I am not exactly eager to jump back in to an intense relationship either. We’re both fucking terrified of codependant relationships, of being tied down, of being controlled, of any limitation. She told me she really digs me. She told me I’m totally cute and handsome. I told her that was redundant. She laughed. So, I’m gonna let her drive, and let her call me when she wants. I want to see where she defines our relationship as comfortable. However, I have a creeping suspicion that now that we are mutually attracted to one another and are actually getting to know one another, there is little either of us can do to control where this is going.
Tamar.
Met a girl named Tamar. I really dig her. She’s gone for a few days. Been thinking about her a lot while she’s been gone. Been thinking about her a lot all week. I know this already, but it sure is nice to have someone to think about. Maybe it’s just a distraction. Is everything just a distraction from the immportant thing? and what is the important thing?
haven’t talked to Lorea in a while. Feels good. Feels good to feel like I am me again. Like I am growing again, and not suffocating in pain. In time everythingfadesaway.
Haven’t smoked a cigarette since last monday. I smoked a bit of a cigar last night and it was disgusting. Been thinking about how to rid myself of the obsession to smoke cigarettes. Doing a fearless and thorough moral inventory of myself followed by a look at my harms done to others followed by a start at ammending my harms and rectifying my defects has led me to rid myself of the obsession to get high and drink alcohol. Curious why if my spiritual condition is such as to remove the obession to smoke meth why then is the obsession to smoke cigarettes not removed. That’s what I asked devitt today. That’s what I wanted to know. I hate the obsession. I don’t mean just the thought. Just thoughts I can resist. But obsessions for me are thoughts that I have no mental defence against. It is a curious mental insanity during which all reason is gone, all ability to resist is useless and I end up doing whatever it is… smoking, fucking, getting high anyway. Always followed by regret immediately after or during.
Fucking gonna play loud guitar tomorrow. Not now, i have neighbours. Put new strings on brantley’s Telecaster. I almost like it now better than my Stratocaster. they both have their place. The tele is more lead-oriented.
haven’t played vids in a while.
Drinking a lot of water. Allow myself the luxury of buying 1.5litre bottles of water whenever i want. I figure it is worth the cost in bennefit to my wellbeing. I hardly want to smoke when I have my bottle of water. I feel better when I am hydrating. I don’t crave bad food when I drink lots of water. My thoughts are clearer. More focused. I feel healthier.
Been running a lot. pretty much every day that i work. days that i don’t work i still get some form of exercise. Skimboarding with the Cory or Rob. Riding with Devitt. Going for walks with people and talking. Walks are nice. Tamar and I went on a walk on our second encounter. It was totally nice. Opened me up to the idea. Took Briony for a walk today. A short one. It’s nice to see things. Not stand still. Keep the cardio up while living.
Sometimes i think I suck. Sometimes I think I’m really pretty alright.
Loneliness sucks a lot. Feeling in love, that tingly sensation that tells you you’re special in someone else’s eyes, could just be a flight from the fear of loneliness.
It takes a lot more than just a hot girl to turn me on. To get hard I actually have to feel spiritually connected as well as physically attracted. Never used to be that way. Atleast, I never comprehended it as such. I’m alright with it. I’m done being a slut. I think.
My room mate is home. HAve to hastle her.
hey nick,
what she wants…
she doesn’t want you.
she wants them instead.
she doesn’t even know who they are yet.
but the door must be kept open.
commitment is a bitch.
so is responsibility.
no one likes chains.
she doesn’t want you.
so stop thinking it.
she doesn’t want your sex.
no more implying in text.
bark bark bark little doggy.
barking up the wrong tree.
no more manipulation.
no more sentimentality.
just a letter on a door
that says “do not enter”.
go fuck yourself,
sincerely, the truth.