There’s been a development. And I don’t need opinion Breanna, I need support Breanna.

Carrie and I are going to try to see if we can make it work. We are committing to going to a couples counsellor weekly for a 8 weeks and work through this shit that has gotten so big that I wanted to blow it up. If nothing else, so that we can both feel like we really tried everything, and so that we can identify how we each need to grow from this.

We’ve been together 18 years. That’s not nothing. And sure there has been a lot of shit I’ve put up with. We also have three kids and seeing the way this was so fucking hard for them this last week was just heartbreaking. Last night I thought about jumping off the balcony to just end the suffering because I felt like there’s no other option. But I think there is. I want to see if I can get everything I need and not explode everyone’s lives. My needs include sleeping with other people – I straight up told her that. And she said “I’ve known for a long time that is something you want and I want you to have that.” And that’s a must for me. I’ve just been too scared until now to really lay it out. But now I have no fear of “wrecking my marriage” by asking what I need, because it was already over. If it’s going to be rebuilt, it’s going to be better.

And this fear I have in this relationship – this terror and shame I feel, that’s my shit. That is 100% be projecting my mom onto Carrie and reacting as though I’m 16 again in my moms house getting “caught” and yelled at and shamed. And I need to work through that with my own counsellor or it will just continue to haunt me with every relationship. Her part is when I withdraw, it triggers her abandonment issues, so she gets mad trying to get me to stay but it does the opposite and triggers my issues and I withdraw from her. And that’s been our cycle.

We have both been operating at 110% for so long we have both neglected ourselves. We’ve been putting the kids first, and I’ve been putting work next, and then her and then me. And I never actually take care of me. So I have been burned out for so long. And so has she. Really, I need to flip that and put me first, then her, then work, then the kids.

So yeah.

I still am so hot for Lauren, and want to lick every part of her sexy body, and I don’t know what to do with that because it’s career suicide and also I know is blocking her from experiencing a potential relationship with a guy who could give her the family she wants. But goddamn, the sex was so hot, and she makes me go crazy with lust.