ninth floor balcony

We are going to try to make it work.

Seeing her again this morning, just so fucking sad. I was sad too. Last night, drunk, messaging Lauren. Missing her. Wanting connection and comfort. Feeling so lonely. Realizing I was looking outside myself. Thinking about what was I had and this separation and the pain I was causing and the pain I was causing myself. 

I thought about jumping off the balcony from the ninth floor. And how would end all the suffering for me. It would just be over. But then the thought of suicide comes with his own sadness. 

Bleak

I am willing to see if we can work it out. I’m willing to talk with her to see what the deal is. Maybe we can work it out maybe we can’t. But I’m willing to try. I’m willing to talk to somebody together. I want to be open to change. 

I’ve been running from this fear.

I’ve been drinking too much to escape this darkness.

There’s so much to learn from this. And so much growth is around the corner.

There’s so much I have learned from Lauren. What passion feels like. To be wanted. To feel attractive. Flirting with her feel so good. Sex that feels so good. 

I don’t know what is in the future for Carrie and I. But I owe it to our family after 18 years to see what else I can grow from this.

He held each other both crying this morning. And there was a glimpse of something beautiful. Something deep.

So we are both just gonna be brutally honest with each other and in therapy and if it works it works.

I told her I know that it’s going to be hard for her. But I don’t know what else to do. Lie to her? Lie to myself?

I told her that I really need to be able to have the freedom to have sex with other people. She said yes she wants that for me and she knows I need that. 

Whether I use it or not, I need non-exclusivity.

I can’t feel trapped. I can’t feel suffocated. I need to be real with myself why I have these feeling of suffocation.

I told her that I want my own bed, and sometimes we can sleep together but I also need my space. She’s okay with that.

Everything is on the table. Everything is negotiable. We had to burn it down to build it back up.

I need therapy. I have been transferring my childhood trauma to Carrie. She’s become the stand in for my mom. I am afraid of her because I was afraid of my mom. Boring trauma and I’m ready to get over it.

Pain is an indicator. It’s also the greatest motivator. There is fear here. I have to go through it or I’m going to jump off a balcony.