I had to work this morning and she took the kids out and to the beach. But the beach was too stressful for her so she bailed. I met them back at the hotel after working. They were all in terrible moods. Turns out the kids and her hadn’t eaten and Rowan told me she was a total stress case. I took the kids out for lunch and took them back to the beach. We had a great time! Rowan said “I don’t know why the beach was so stressful this morning but this is so nice.”
I told her mom is under a lot of stress and is having trouble accepting this separation and she needs time to process it.
Rowan told me the other kids were super stressed too.
Probably because they are taking on her emotions, as they have always done. Whereas I had such a blast with them! What’s not to like! In Hawaii with my favourite people, at the beach!? It doesn’t get any better than that. But instead she chooses to be unhappy and focus on… what? What’s different? The IDEA that we aren’t married anymore? I don’t get it. Literally nothing has changed except me drawing a line. And it has shattered her world. I didn’t realize the extent of her codependency.
Took Carrie and the kids to Monkeypod for dinner. When we left the hotel Carrie just looked sick. I could tell she was suppressing so much anxiety. It’s hard to see her in pain. I wish I could fix it. But I can’t lie to myself and to her to fix it.
I ordered some food I thought she would like – a tomato avocado salad and a lobster pizza. Thankfully, she actually ate some. After some food and a cocktail I could see the light come back in her eyes.
After dinner, the kids ran off to look in ABC and Rowan was drawing in her sketchbook. Carrie and I finally had a few minutes to talk. This had been a theme in our marriage also – rarely having more than 30 seconds to talk with each other, the kids absorbing all air from every situation.
I asked her how I could help her.
She said, “I haven’t had the time to process this yet that you have. But I know it’s going to be okay.”
I said, ”can I suggest something? That you stay in the moment. Look at us right now, at this restaurant, in Hawaii, with our kids. Nothing has changed except the IDEA that this concept of “marriage” is something we are no longer subscribing to, and your reaction to it. You don’t need to let the fear of the future or your sadness of some perceived loss ruin your present moment. Be here, be here now. The kids need you to just be present with them. If not, they are just picking up your stress and sadness and it will be stressful and sad for them.”
she heard that. And it seemed to click for her. That she was going to be okay. That her and I are ok, even without this label. I told her that nothing has changed, I’m just calling a spade a spade – that our marriage wasn’t a marriage for years. We were roommates and coparents who held hands and occasionally fucked. And that’s the whole point – I was dying a slow death in this marriage. I needed to leave to be able to experience romantic, sexual desire and intimacy. She keeps saying, “ but we were both just so busy and focused on the wrong things. We could fix it. We could work on intimacy.” But for me, that ship has sailed. Our relationship is past that and not able to return. You can’t willfully make yourself manufacture intimacy.
I asked her if we could call each other partners instead of husband/wife or ex. This is my partner, Carrie. Because we will always be bound to each other through the kids and the experience we have had the past 18 years. I am okay to call her my close friend and partner. Partner is non-exclusive. Partner doesn’t come with the pretense and structure and meaning of the concept of marriage. Partner can mean business partner. Partner can mean sharing a common goal and interest. And it isn’t sexual. She likes that. She is into that. So that’s what we are now.
we haven’t figured out our housing situation yet. One day at a time.
Leave a Reply