I’ve told Carrie that I don’t wanna be married anymore. All she heard was that I’m unhappy and she’s doing everything to try to keep me to stay. She went to see Counsellor today. She went and fixed the relationship with her brother today she’s trying to show me that she’s gonna change as a person. But for me, I’m already checked out. It feels too little too late. And that’s heartbreaking for her. I don’t wanna give her false. Hope that things are going to turn around and I’m going to want to stay. I want separation. But I also love her as a person and it hurts me to see her hurt. After telling her I wanted a divorce last night I ended up sleeping in our bed. Not because I wanted to, but because she was begging me to stay in the room with her. She was in full-blown panic attack. It felt heartless for me to leave her like that. So I took care of her. after hours of convulsing and throwing up, I got her calm down watching a show and gave her an Ativan. She put her head on my shoulder. I put my hand on her back. I comforted her and I told her it was gonna be OK. Which is an a lie. I know she’s gonna be OK. She’s a strong woman and she could do hard things.

What do I do tonight when I get home. She’s doing everything to try to show me how an ideal partner she is. She made dinner. She’s giving me space. But all I want is distance and it makes me feel like I’m the monster.