scenarios

I’m still thinking about her every minute. Like literally every minute. I think about her face. I replay snapshots of us hanging out last week. I replay the feeling of comfort, excitement and admiration I felt. I loved that she was so comforted by me. It’s a happy place I can escape to. I’ve been living there all week. 

I wonder what she’s doing if she’s having a good time with Mike I wonder if she’s thinking about me too. I do the math over in my head of when I will see her next.

Thankfully, the feeling is less intense now than it was on Saturday and Sunday. That was actual withdrawal pain. The feeling is less now less reactive, but also deeper somehow more authentic somehow. I probably am putting a lot on her. But just because it’s novel doesn’t mean it doesn’t have profound weight and meaning.

I imagine all the various scenarios of what it will be like when she gets back and we see each other again. Or what work will be like with her around. Or what six months or a year from now will look like. 

One scenario is a world where we can be together as much as we want above board and honestly. In that world, both our careers would need to change and my marriage would need to end. She wouldn’t get to be a mom, and I want her to have what she wants. And eventually, we just become a boring married couple with unmet needs.

In another scenario, we are still keeping it a secret. It’s alive and electric. Forbidden love that we both know wouldn’t survive daylight. But that’s what makes it so amazing. It would be complicated if she gets promoted to my team and then I’m her actual boss . Would she feel like she slept with me to get a promotion? Am I predatory?I hate that. it would Il legitimize both our relationship and her promotion for which she’s so worthy.

In the third scenario, we draw a hard line and neither of us are crossing it. Who knows who would be the stronger one. Probably her. and then I would be the one stuck in this mire of wanting her and not being able to have her. I wouldn’t be sleeping with Ruth, but I would be with her in my mind constantly. but at least there would be a chance that our careers could go on as they are on their current trajectories. Thankfully, she would get to stay at Earls where we could still see each other professionally. She would meet a new guy and have kids and a family. And maybe we could be friends. this one kind of feels like it sucks the most but it’s fair and logically correct.

In the fourth scenario, and the one I’m most preoccupied with lately, we see each other when she gets back on Monday and I ask her how she’s doing and she tells me how hard her week was having to be with Mike but thinking about me the whole time. I tell her it was the same for me having to put up with Carrie. My heart is racing and we talk about what we should do. We give each other a smile and we both know what we should do. We talk about the right thing to do is to end it. But our eyes were telling a different story of desire. We leave work and go back to her apartment. We have some drinks and we fuck all afternoon. It’s so hot. The next day we go back to work and vow to each other that we have to stop for the sake of our jobs. But the affair stays alive behind closed doors, adding excitement to both of our dysfunctional relationships. Every so often through the year will get assigned on a trip together, and we bunk up and hang out and they will be amazing holidays together. That forbidden love forever sustained.