Just Kidding

Just Kidding

Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe she doesn’t actually like me. Is she just pretending to be into me for career advancement?

On the one hand I wish that we hadn’t ever crossed the line. On the other hand, I wish that since we crossed it we had gone even further past it. That I had railed her bones.

She asked me on the plane ride from HNL to SFO, “Since we’ve crossed the line, should we just continue to cross it?” I thought about fucking her in the airplane bathroom. I almost said it out loud. But we were both trying to be good. As good as we could be. Holding each other’s hands and touching each other’s legs was collectively the most we could cross the line. It was also the least we both wanted. Pulled in one direction by the carnal desire to tear each other’s clothes off and pulled in the other direction by the logical knowledge that we had already gone too far.

“I think we gotta shut it down.” I said. I already knew it could never work.

She said a few times and few different ways, “you have more to lose than I do.”

“You have a 15 year marriage and three kids. I just have an unhappy relationship with my boyfriend.”

I told her, “just because I’ve been married for 15 years doesn’t mean we don’t have problems.”