Aug 31

It was because my parents had raised me in their image. I was taught what the meaning of the world was not in a way that I could find it and understand it, but what their version of the world was. Their value system that I should just listen to it and follow it because it was their value system not ever being taught how to actually rationally figure out what my own values are, but my own understanding of what is right and wrong is my own morality. My own ambitions And then, when I hit an age where I was betrayed by them, it shattered my trust in them, as well as the models that they race me under. My whole world fell apart.

Just collapse with everything I understood the reasons behind everything led to me seeking escape for the overwhelming avalanche. A psychic break. I tried to patch with drugs and alcohol. On the first time I experienced getting high, getting drunk became escape from having to face my own sense of having no model . The overwhelming anxiety is that that caused. Next 456 years I chased that feeling. I pursued it. I wanted to stay in that state of feeling this attached. But there were consequences to staying detached. Consequences both in terms of my life, opportunities, and ambitions, but also consequences in terms of internally, one consequence being now seeking ever more effective or interesting ways to detach into escape reality. Eventually, the external consequences feel further need for the internal consequences, vice versa and a spiral. Eventually, I hit my own gate my own threshold for what kind of collapse and pain I’d be willing to endure. I also noticed that logically this path wasn’t going anywhere and I had enough. I guess that’s a self-love or passion or the need to stay alive to give me just enough reason to want to stop before completely annihilating myself. I truly believe that the people that you see killing themselves over drugs on purpose or having no ability to stay sober are the results of Losing that last bit or never having the ability to have that last bit of self flow of self-awareness of willingness to want to stay sober. The last bastion of one zone consciousness with that last part of me that was gasping for air finally was at its last step. A complete psychic breakdown had occurred, and suddenly that core was able to break through all of that impending drive towards self-destruction dust began a bounce back that wasn’t consistent but was persistent long enough for me to build back support in place through AA through being humble over run over again so I could build back those layers of protection around that core. Now being able to rebuild these layers of values of personality of self reflection, like layers of an onion around that core this time was able to build exactly how made sense to me. Not my parents, not anybody else. But people are not able to get sober sometimes it’s because they allowed other people‘s versions or morals or outs to craft their own onion skin layers. They weren’t authentic to them and they wouldn’t last when tested.