Am I happily married? Or is the pain of leaving just greater than staying? Her constantly inconsistent attitude toward me. One minute she’ll be hugging me and kissing me and I believe the connection between us is real. Within an hour she will be yelling at me louder and with more ferocity than I would treat my worst enemy. It’s the worst when she yells at me I front of the kids. After slamming the door as hard as she could, Rowan turned to me and whispered, “we don’t slam doors,” something she has been taught and understood since she was old enough to slam a door. It’s hard to fault her for her angry spells though – she seems totally absent when she’s in them a “red out” they call it, where she’s not even aware how angry she is, can’t connect reality with the emotions coming out of her and seemingly no ability to control its onset or the ability to regulate it while it’s happening. All I can do is go silent, try to stay loving, try to tell myself “this is not your wife right now.” Usually, 9 times out of 10, she’s come out of it completely within an hour, back to being loving and affectionate, apologetic for her behaviour. But sometimes she feels justified for being angry. But nothing justifies being THAT angry towards the ones you love.
When I can tell she is sensitive, I have to walk on eggshells. I am careful to not be too close, because she could lash out over anything at anytime. I have just had my heart broken too many times, trusting that this person loves you and could never hurt me and the next minute being treated like the furthest thing from it.
There is just no justification for it.
Dexedrine seemed to help. It reduced her emotional tension, things which used to trigger her seemed to run off her back. But today she is out of pills and has no patience for anything.
I don’t want the kids exposed to this. When she is right-minded, she agrees that she doesn’t either. And that’s the funny thing about it. When she’s right-minded, her and I can compassionately joke about it and actually have productive conversations about what could help her – drugs, anger therapy, me taking careful approach to not suddenly switch plans on her, me taking more of an active role in the kids’ routine… But it’s like we are talking about a third party, like we are talking about how to help
A sick friend. Within an hour of such a talk, she could very well be back to frothing at the mouth yelling at me and slamming doors. I dunno.
I dream about what it would be like in another relationship. Would I be free from this? Probably, but I’d also probably have to put up with some other undesirable quality. Should I just count my blessings? The thing that has always made me stay is the kids. I would do anything for them, including sacrificing my own happiness and relationship aspirations to ensure they don’t have a broken home. But am I delusional? Is the home broken by having an angry mom? Is the reality that she loves me and just has angry spells? Or is the love all just put on as well, as flippant as at other emotion she may have?
Just to clarify, she doesn’t hit them. Doesn’t say cruel things to them. Doesn’t manipulate them. It’s not that deep. Inside, i believe she loves them more than anything. Her anger is only surface deep. But as I sit in the other room some nights, hearing her yell at the kids while putting them to sleep, my heart starts pounding in a full adrenal response to terror. How the hell is that not impacting the little guys who are an 8th my size and 5 feet from it?
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