the rains came last week. i felt their effect of my mood immediately. i think it’s been affecting me since.

today i’m not feeling okay. isolated. like isolating. not talkative. not able to connect with people – even my wife, even my baby. feel this creeping feeling that i’m on the wrong path. that i shouldn’t be married. that what the fuck was i doing tying myself down like this. that i should be out exploring life and the world. that i am marginalizing myself. marginalized existence. i know life is what i make it and if i don’t like it so much why don’t i change it. well, that’s a hard thing to do and a choice that comes with a million sacrifices. enough sacrifice to be a road block, at least until perhaps my sanity can return.

i feel though that the sadest part, the thing that makes this whole feeling worse is feeling like i have no one to talk to about it. my wife is too busy with the baby, and thinking about herself and how hard life is for her today to really hear what i’m going through. it’s okay. i’ve gotten used to solitude and coming to terms that there really is no one. we are truly alone and any idications to the contrary are lies and deceipt.

things that aren’t my life:

• photojournalist on assignment in africa or asia
• banging countless dumb whores
• overseas at some obscure military posting in Cyprus or Kandahar
• in the Canadian Special Ops
• posessing a college degree and owning a home, a high-paying job and driving a Range Rover
• making art in some loft somwhere