This time of year… Maybe Tom is right. Maybe it is this time of year that makes me depressed which leads me in turn to this mental state I am in now where I do not feel that I can face life. I feel as though I am totally incapable of dealing with what I have before me. Just for clarity, let’s review what it is that is bugging me…
- Got in a fight with Carrie last night which carried over to tonight’s conversation on the phone which evolved into tonight’s fight on the phone. Her grandmother died two days ago. While I admittedly lack any experience in bereavement support, I have nonetheless did everything I could to show her that I care. Considering the business of our lives lately, this included a brief 2-minute conversation and embrace while I was still half asleep as she left for school at 7am and I still lay asleep, a 10 minute phone call while I was incredibly busy at work, a 10 minute car ride conversation where she expressed some sadness and requested that I stay at her house for the night. She made arrangements to fly to Calgary for the following morning. I had an incredibly stressful day myself at work then my car wouldn;t start after work and I spent an hour in the rain waiting for a jump start all so that I could rush off and spend time showing my sponsee how to do Step 4. Then to the meeting to be of service there. She hadn’t been to a meeting in about 10 days – the longest she had ever gone without a meeting. She also hadn’t eaten in 8 hours and was totally insane. All defects were in full swing, including my favourite, where she tells me that she’s okay with something, like me going and eating with my buddies and then going home to sleep cause she doesn’t feel like eating and come to think of it has lots of her own needs to tend to. I agree, and think to myself, “wow, I am dating such an understanding girl. Even though both our lives are falling apart she has the ability to reccognize that and allow us to both go and deal with our shit. Our love never falters. WRONG. It was infact a manipulative ploy to see whether I would stay or go. Because I left, she later sent me a hateful text telling me essentially that I don’t care for her needs and that I’m selfish, blah blah blah. Come to think of it, we’ve been fighting a lot lately – I would say weekly. If I start blogging again, I will be able to track it.
- Work. Hate it. They use me, underpay me. I feel undervalued. I work in a rich company that lavishes other departments and not mine. I feel like the bastard step-child. Cinderella. If I had more money, say $28/hour, would I enjoy it? Hardly. at the end of every day I feel entirely used up. I’m of no use to Carrie after work, and no use to anybody. At the end of every day I feel angry at people, irritable, resentful at my work and the state of my life, trapped in a job where I feel undervaluedd and overworked.
- The state of my Finances. I do not make enough money to support everything. Rent, gas, clothing, food, phone bill, visa bill, financing, savings. I can’t keep up. I am constantly drowning. CRA is hounding me for proof of my 2006 income.
- MSP is hounding me for payments to my long overdue MSP premiums. I can’t pay this until CRA gets off my back. I don’t know what to do.
- I have been waiting to move in to my new house for months. Rob keeps pushing the date for move-in and it’s driving me mad.
- I want to travel. I want to be doing something other than what I’m doing right now. But what else it new.
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