Last week I was unloading a truckload of shit at the dump. I dropped a really heavy piece of an MDF desk over the side and it bounced off the ground and bucked me in the chin. Felt like getting hit in the face with a 2×4 and I was momentarily stunned. When I got back in the truck Chuck looked at me and gasped, “what happened?!” I looked in the rearview and there was blood all over my chin. It took a butterfly bandage and tape to hold it shut for the rest of the day. There goes my modelling aspirations, i thought. “Chicks think scars are hot,” said Joseph. It’s almost healed now. I consciously didn’t shave all week. Don’t wanna seem like I was clumsy enough to have cut myself while shaving.
New albums on rotation:
The Rapture – Echoes
Queens of the Stone Age – Queens of the Stone Age
Of Montreal – The Sunlandic Twins
Lamb of God – Sacrament
Kyuss – Wretch
Killswitch Engage – As Daylight Dies
Hatebreed – Satisfaction is the death of desire
God Forbid – IV: Constitution of Treason
Deftones – White Pony
Deftones – Adrenaline
Deftones – Saturday Night Wrist
Coldplay – X&Y
Cat Power – What Would The Community Think
Billy Talent – Billy Talent II
As I Lay Dying – A Long March
Drinking water and smoking cigarettes. I tried quitting in the last week twice. Not gonna say when it’s gonna happen. Guess the desire to smoke is still stronger than the desire to not smoke. And the perceived rewards of smoking greater than the rewards of not smoking.
Finished my 15-page paper for psychotherapy 2318. waiting for it to be marked. I have three exams next week. Tues, Wed, Thurs.
Tanned today. I burnt myself. Burns always turn to tans. Unless they peel.
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A conversation I had today made me cry. Tears of not fear, sorrow or joy. Just emotional release, I guess. There’s some moments in life that are so beautiful. So full of wonder and awe that tears are really the only way to react. Some moments I am sitting there and my eyes turn in to cameras and I feel as though I am watching a movie. And the acting is really good. Cept it’s usually not appropriate timing to stop the person who is saying something so beautiful to tell them that their acting is really believable; that way they just bit their lip while they talk about their childhood trauma really shows their character’s dynamic; that’s perfect! Flair you nostrils just like that and show your anger so quaintly while you talk so eloquently!
There is an opposition between living truly authentic lives and the day-to-day operations in which we function between rising and sleeping:
I want to tell you something. I want to share with you a piece of my true self. Strip me bare of all my pretenses and social constructs of behavior, take away all my influences of past experiences and relationships, remove the fear that resides within me of what will happen next, tomorrow or in one hundred years because I wish to tell you something that is so important to me that none of these things will get in my way. If I were to die tonight in my sleep I want you to know something. I seek an unhindered congruence in what I show to you and what I really am. I seek naked authenticity in my existence. It is my hope that when I show you my true self I can make myself so unequivocally accurate that you understand exactly my feelings and thoughts.
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