way out

I think it’s been a while since i’ve actually needed to write in here anything self-depricating. And that’s a good thing. Cause it’s fucking nauseating to read. nevertheless, i am awake today, looking at my left arm all cut up from something i did to myself last night. I’m ashamed of it. I’m ashamed for the way i feel. the way i felt when i did it. the way that i felt like i had no other option. it was that, or i was thinking of checking myself in to the psych ward at VGH. or scoring some crack. i figured this was the best available option. i don’t even know what my problem is. i jsut know that it was too much for me. too much for me to handle. and i felt trapped – no way out. she called my at 2am or so, and asked what i was doing. I was sitting on my floor with a blade in my arm. so lame. what am i doing? she asked if i wanted to come over. i said i did but i had been smoking. what does that have to do with you coming over, she asked. i said i stank and tasted gross and generally jsut felt like dying. not existing anymore. I’m sick of myself. of my lame problems. my fear, my insecurity, my low self worth. i really felt like she made me want to me a better person. after a little while that better person became familiar and that was just the person i was. then came the day when my problems mounted. i felt alone, detached with no one to talk to. no solution. and i took a spiral down. i want to be dirt. and then i felt like a fraud. like i lead her to believe i am someone i am not. all the trying to be great fails and i am left raw, the true being i am in all my deficiencies.

i start school tomorrow. i am going to pray for this obsession to be removed. i am going to pray to be divorced of self-pity, selfishness, fear and resentment. over and over again it is shown to me that a spiritual solution is really the only one for these kinds of problems. then i am supposed to help someone else in need. someone who’s problems are greater than mine. to get out of self. prayer and service. that is my path.