she makes me wanna die.
I am fucking hurting so much. this sucks. I didn’t really expect this to be this hard. I really can’t expect any sympathy from anyone. there’s nothing anyone can say to make this feel any better. there’s really nothing i can do do make it hurt any less. i feel heartbroken. i feel lost and alone.
when i’m at work it’s not so bad. i am thinking about dimensions and angles and trying not to hurt myself with power tools. whenever i have a moment with my thoughts all i can think about is she and she is all i can think about. it’s sick and obsessive and i can’t get out of it. it’s all consuming and all day today i was actually experiencing a physical reaction to it. I could feel the pain in my body. it felt like a harsh anxiety. Like when i was driving i wanted to swerve in to the oncoming lane just to get in an accident and be comotose and make it stop. I was driving by the psych ward at VGH and thought about maybe checking myself in for a few days to just chill out and come off this. I was in the shower and considered slicing up my arms but then i wouldn’t be able to donate blood so i considered slashing my legs and i had to tell myself i am over that.
oh yeah, the blood thing: I called last week in attempt to get out of myself, to stop thinking about my pain and to be of service to others. I called to make an appointment to donate blood. then they told me i am barred from donating till the 5th of august. apparently my blood is no good. apparently that last time i went to donate blood i got through all the checks until they looked at the scars on my arms from my then frash slashing and i had to tell them what it was from. then they asked me a list of twenty questions again, like had i had intercourse with an IV drug user in the past 6 months and i had to say yes. I’m not a very good liar. so they rejected me. and apparently barred me from donating for a year. and so i got rejected again. there’s few things that compare to having an authority on health tell you your body is not good enough to be of any use to others. especially when you’re just trying to ‘do the right thing’ and be of service.
so i’m still stuck with working with drunks and drug addicts. took a couple to a meeting tonight again. hated every minute of it. prayed before hand for the willingness and strength to get through with it. prayed to be relieved of the bondage of self, my fucking selfish thinking that is plaguing me so i can give myself entirely to helping these people. it helped a little. not much. i still wanted to leave the meeting after 15 minutes. no one had anything of any value to say. they were all bitching and whining. i couldn’t leave though because i had to drive the two newcomers back to their recovery house. it came my turn to share and i said that am scared. i am scared particularly when i have to share. I feel like i have really something special, i have been relieved of the obsession to use drugs and that’s fucking amazing. I did the work outlined in the 12 steps and to my amazement and disbelief, i no longer have the all-consuming obsession let alone the desire to use drugs or to drink. I am scared when i am asked to share that i will not be able to clearly transmit the way in which i am transformed from what i was and how exactly i did it. so i essentially just told them i am scared and to read the big book cause what i did is layed out in there.
as i said, working with others isn’t really relieving this pain at all. i jsut want her so badly. i want her in my arms. i want her warm body next to mine. i want us to be lying quietly and for her to tell me she loves me. i want her to tell me i make her happy. i want her to tell me she wants my children. i want her to tell me she’s the only one she wants. i want to be the only one she wants. i want her to stop fooling around with other guys. i want to have a house and a dog with her. I want to cook amazing meals with her. I want her to be outrageously happy to see me and to be with me. I want to just know that we have an eternal bond without either of us saying anything. I want serenity with her. I want to trust her. I want to run my fingers all over her smooth naked back once more… ghosts, remember. I want to have the most amazing sex i have ever had again and again with her like that time not very long ago. I want to have the most amazing sex with her every day except for days when we just want to hold each other and that’s okay. I want her to love herself. I want her to stop selling herself short. I want her to stop working fights as a ringgirl and getting paid to be naked for other people. I want all these things and I think what I want from her is her to be someone she is not. I think these things are too much to ask from her. I think i don’t know what i have to offer her. I think if she would tell me honestly, she wants from me things that i am incapable of giving her. like understanding and compassion and trust. I don’t think i can give her those things that i know she wants.
this isn’t making me feel ANY better. in fact it’s making me feel worse. why the fuck did i write that. get it out, right? should i delete it? fuck it. i don’t care anymore. I still miss her. I still want her in my arms. I know it would fucking hurt to have her in my arms. and it fucking hurts to not have her in my arms. i wish i could just take a stand and stay away from her. but i can’t. why i am i so drawn to her? I jsut said that she can’t give me what I want and I can’t give her what she wants, so what’s the deal? why are we still crazy about each other? Is it becuase we occasionally give each other a spectacular intangible feeling that in that moment surpases all the bad shit? are we just chasing a pipe dream? Or is it that we are so fucking close to being each other’s perfect partner but both fall short of it and so we are left wishing those deficiencies away in hopes that the whole union would be perfect? It drives me to insanity all day thinking about these things. how many times a day do i write her text messages and then delete them without sending them? how many times a day do i think about what she is doing.
alone. alone. alone.
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