intention

Lonely. Still. Yes I am. Fuck I hate this. Ann the other day was talking about a friend of ours who has been whining about his broken heart for 8 months and her response was, “fuck man, i’ve had a broken heart for 6 years and you don’t see me whining.” It scared me to think that i might feel this way for upwards of 6 years.

Forgetting to take my antibiotics.
Missed three counsellor appointments in the last week. Keep appologizing. Keep rescheduling. I asked her what is wrong with me. I am having severe difficulty getting to those appointments. She told me I went through this last summer as well. I was in a depression like i am now, she called it a depression and then she corrected herself and called it a ‘low spot’. whatever. She told me I could not seem to make it to her appointments last summer either when I was heartbroken. And this is the time when I need her the most. I told her about my dream last night. I dreamt that I had relapsed and met her for coffee to tell her what happened. I couldn’t even speak. I was just bawling my eyes out. I really wanted to kill myself. skytrain, bus, bridge. who knows. It was a really intense dream. then i woke up to the most annoying alarm clock ring on my phone. I almost fell back asleep and missed work but i imagined i had no option over it. I removed my will from the situation and got out of bed, on my knees and prayed for the first time in a long time. I just prayed for god to take away my difficulties so that victory over them would bear witness to those i may help fo thy love thy power and thy all greatness. hail satan. praise jesus. hari krishna. I had to repeat “take away my difficulties” about ten times before i really felt my difficulties had been removed; in that particular situation the difficulty being my desire to fuck work and get back in bed.
holy fucking tangent.

and i thought i had nothing to say.

I am trying to quit smoking and have only smoked 6 cigarettes all day. That’s quite the drop from my usual 30-40 a day.

I sent her a text message. I knew I shouldn’t have. I knew it was the less-wise thing to do. But I was also in a fuck of a lot of emotional pain and anxiety. not aided at all by the ol’ nicotine withdrawl. why do i have to miss her so much. it fucking kills me. everywhere i fucking look I see her. I see some girl’s hair in a magazine and think of her hair. Someone says something a certain way like she used to and it breaks my soul. I see places we used to go, i think of the good times we had together and it just is fucking hurting me. IT IS HURTING ME. So I just had to text her. I knew it wasn’t a wise idea but i did it anyway. I just said “I miss you and it fucking hurts.” Except maybe without the ‘fucking’. She replied. Told me she is in agony as well and has been crying nonstop since sunday and that she didn’t excpect to hear from me for a long time. The more I hurt the more I want her. The more I want her the more it hurts. I want a goddamn cigarette. No i don’t. You just
think you do. You want her beside you naked and close. No you don’t. You just think you do. Atleast the pain of not smoking somewhat takes the attention off the pain of being alone.

REading this book called The Power Of Intention by last name Dwyer. He was talking about how ego, our personal chatterbox mind voice that is the person “I” in the statement “I am me” is a pain in the ass. In particular, this ego gets in the way of our ability to realize our intentions – our intentions being our ambitions; the path of god; our life destiny; etc etc. Dwyer talks about how there are six ingredients to the ego that empower the ego to cause us to experience that feeling of disconnectedness and disharmony. Here are the six ego beliefs:

1. I am what I have. My posessions define me.

2. I am what I do. My achievements define me.

3. I am what others think of me. My reputation defines me.

4. I am seperate from everyone. My physical body defines me as alone.

5. I am seperate from all that is missing in my life. My current life space is disconnected from my desires.

6. I am seperate from God. My life depend’s on God’s assessment of my worthiness.

Well, I am really happy to have read that fourth egoic belief. Cause I am so in that right now. You know what helps me? This is what I do. I imagine myself in a dreamy field. There are flowers. It is the most perfect day. I fill in this daydream with all the best things i can think of and then i imagine her there with me. Everything is perfect. It is perfect only because it is not existing in this physical world but it is existing in a spiritual place that I am creating with my imagination. This place is pure. Intended that way. We are together and what seperates this vision from just a thought is that she is there with me. Not just imagined but her spirit is actually there with my spirit. together. in perfect unison. we are united and together forever in each other’s loving, tender embrace. everything is effortless and fear does not even exist there. I can visit her whenever I want and she can visit me whenever she wants. It is in this spiritual place that I find my sanctuary. The only place I can escape this pain that seems inherant with the physical, emotional world.

Must go to sleep now. see you in the spirit world.