trapped

Watching Sid & Nancy in my new place. And Five minutes has passed since I wrote that. I’m distracted. Okay, well. I like having a real house. There’s a front door, a back foor, A deck, a living room with couches coffee tables and a tv, a second floor with it’s own bathroom, a basement and a garage. wow. k, i can’t concentrate on this right now. fuck it. my roommates rock. my band is in shambles and we’re trying to work something out. i am smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. somedays just one. two when i’m working. I get really stressed out and agro lately. get the desire to beat someone’s head in with a crowbar atleast once a day, usually twice and almost always in traffic. haven’t had a satisfying day at work in over two weeks. just a lot of fucking around getting materials, ted changing his mind, the clients changing their minds, me fucking up, and just a fucking waste of time and energy. I just want a big job with all the materials pre-bought and delivered. Like framing a house. I could go for that right now. A few solid weeks work. 40 hours a week framing 8-4. that is what i want. my chicken is thawing in the kitchen. i should go create something and eat it now. it’s friday night and i have no plans tonight. i might work tomorrow. i can’t decide. i only worked 5 hours yesterday and 8 hours today. i really should work tomorrow. lately i have been really unmotivated to do anything. getting out of bed is once again a struggle. if left to my own devices, that is, if i don’t have any commitments i sleep as much as possible, then when i’m awake i play vids and guitar and otherwise bum around. i guess the worst thing is just how i feeeeel. i feel like a sack of shit. I noticed the other day that I have pretty much entirely been neglecting my spiritual growth. In fact until the otherday I completely forgot i am a spiritual being locked in this body of flesh. i am still operating day to day bound in this fucking horrible hell of a physical world. it’s hell when there’s no freedom in the way of spiritual release. k. gotta go eat, smoke and sleep now. FUCK.