hold hands as we all go down together

Worked in the sun all day. It was really beautiful out, very sunny. I got a lot of sun even though i wore sunscreen. I haven’t washed my hair in a week. Gonna see how long i can go without shampooing it. Finishing up the soffits on Sylvia’s house. Taking longer than i want it to and it makes me frustrated. Ted is really stressed out cause his ex-gf just checked in to treatment. Also Sylvia has been putting pressure on him given that she expected her soffits to be done by now. Sometimes it’s hard to not be affected by the emotions of those around me. I feel bad for ted cause I really think he’s a great guy and a greater boss and it hurts me to see him sad and stressed. I talked to him at the meeting tonight. He said he wasn’t alright and his eyes were tearing and mine started tearing automatically as well.

I was looking forward to jamming tonight all day. When it came down to it I found our rehearsal really frustrating. i just feel that i what i want to write, the music i want to write never is realized when i jam with others. my songs always get changes, diluted. i really just wanna be in a band, a very particular band in my head, and be touring on the road playing shows, rocking venues. seems like i can never get there.

I’m lonely. right now, i’m alone and i’m lonely. my bed is so empty without her. i miss her. that kind of love seems so far away now, like it’ll be forever till i can be in love like that again. i hate that. i hate being lonely. it’s the worst. i started remembering a bunch of great things about her and then i had to make myself remember the bad things cause it was hurting too much to not have the good things. i’m supposed to be pouring my anger and sadness and loneliness in to my music and art but neither seem to come even close to satisfying. fuck. chain smoking helps. so does masturbating like 5 times a day. i look forward to work, helps me focus on something else, and unlike the band thing when i build stuff it usually turns out surprisingly beautiful and gratifying. think i need to be playing with a different band.

need a new cell phone.