oh crying girl, you’re so emotional and i love it so much. expressivityness is nice to see in someone. this message made me smile a huge smile and laugh outloud in joy. seriously. fuck, you rock. i really am happy to be cutting these stencils. just for today, i am happy about it. tomorrow’s another day.
“i can feel like i have nothing to say onthe phone, and then start typing 2seconds later and just go off…weird
i’m the exact same way about it. some people have a way with words spoken that i just don’t have. it’s like my mind is a little slower and more methodical than is fit for spoken conversation someteimes. haha, i was jsut thinking abou us having like “conversation stations”. two computers in my place so that whenever we need to really discuss something important we assume our stations and talk to each other through typing. haha. nerd. i think ‘nerd’ is so outdated. seems like everyone is techno-savy these days and if they’re not then they are the ones who are missing out. our generation is so radically different than even from ten years ago. it’s great to be a part of. i know my smoking bugs you though, it would bug me as well if i was not smoking and you started. so, your concerns are very warranted. as for right now in this moment, it is making me happy – smoking that is. partially cause you’re not here so i know it is not possible for it to physically bother you – the smell, the taste in my mouth etc. but you’re worth it to me to be courteous and likeable, so that is definitely one of the key reasons i don’t want to smoke when you’re here or present. i just get so fucking rotten when i don’t smoke and am withdrawing off nicotine. i get really irritable and anxious and am not fun to be around and generally hate existing. it’s a rough time but it’s something i will need to go through to, as i said, be courteous and likeable for you. so… bear with me.
i just got back from a day outside. such a fucking gorgeous day out. cherry blossoms, sunny, warm and breezy. i woke up at noon and had coffee at JJ with an old friend – Anna Silverman. you know her. it was nice to see old friends. she is doing well, dating this guy that i know from AA, interestingly enough. She’s totally in love with him and I am totally in love with you, and it was nice having that pressure off so we could just talk about our spouses and being in committed relationships. then i walked up main street. then back down main street. ran into a bunch of my friends who had taken up residence on a patch of grass with guitars. breanna was there, JR came up there too and we had a really fun time there. felt like wreck beach, ya know that vibe? talked with breanna about you and it was really nice cause she is happy for me that you and i are together. she likes you a lot. i told her about you and i and how it’s been really nice the past coupel days to just have some space and be able to do whatever i want with my time, and to have the freedom to hang out with my group of friends and make art and write – things that i have neglected over the past while. she gave me some good advice about dealing with it all. spoke some sense in to me about what is not my responsibility – your emotions and what is my responsibility – my actions and boundaries. it was nice. i just walked home. the cherry blossom trees reminded mye of you cause they are so fucking beautiful – cheese but true cheese.
Tonight – going to have dinner at Briony’s new place downtown.
TOnight i am going to a drag-king show with Rob and Breanna. Never been to a drag-king show. rob is basically twisting my arm to go with him, i think cause he wants the male support. there’s just gonna be a shitload of man-hating dykes there… i don’t know why he wants to go. Breanna’s worried about running in to her stalker ex-girlfriend. haha. her ex is a drag-king. a girl that wants to be a guy… wears a strapon all the time under her pants and wants to go on testosterone. i’m not even kidding. after that we’re going to a rock show at Pat’s Pub on Hastings. the band is Treacherous Machete. They’re on my myspace friends. Bluesy rock. kinda sound like Queens of the Stoneage and White Stripes. it’s nice going out and doing stuff. I shoudl throw-out the pre-conceived notion of what going out with a girlfriend is like and just have fun with you like this. go out more. live more. be less of a let-down. throw off the imaginary chains that i imagine i am in when i am around you. you’re gonna think about that last sentence now… but maybe you understand what i am saying and i don’t have to explain more.
gonna cut stencils now and listen to rock n roll.
love you baby.
and yes, i find it very attractive that you are working now. that you are building some structure in to your life and amped about stuff.
love
n.
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