What did I do today?
Woke up alone. Felt alone. Immediately felt guilty for not getting anything done cause it was a Saturday and this is supposed to be one of those days where ordinary people are supposed to rest or something. Saturday is pretty much the only day I can get any chores done that I need to get done. Woke up with the sun in my eyes when I tore back the sarong, pinned up, filtering the window light. Glorious day. Dripping with Glory as I would imagine glory to be used in a sentence to describe a very sunny day that makes everything crisper and fuller of life, or some semblance of God. It told me not to be miserable and to just start living today like you’ve done every other day. So, today I listened.
Walked to Reno’s intending to eat a breakfast in solitude, maybe get to read the paper. Stopped in at Dadabase to say hi to Ignacio and cause when I ran in to Mo and Ignacio last week they told me to come in and sign their “manifesto” and join the Main St. community of people that are all on this “Main Street for Peace” kick. They told me they want my name on the back of their shirts – my artist name, nokin. They are printing these shirts that say “Main Street for Peace” with a pretty line art picture of a peace dove on the front and the names of some 60 artists and Main St. merchants. They said they’d add my name to the list and give me a shirt with a donation of 5 bucks next run they do. I thought in my head that when they give me one I’ll cross out the ‘peace’ with a jiffee marker and write war. If you know me at all you would know what that means. It doesn’t mean I am for war. It doesn’t mean I am against peace. Sure, I like peace. We also live in the luxury of a society where peace is at already here at home while war is discretly hidden from our ignorant eyes across an ocean, on the other side of the world and the only thing that gives it away is the headlines on the newspapers saying 8billion more tax dollars going to fund a war most don’t care to know about. It just all seems so absurd. It intices the apathy in me… If we’re gonna turn a blind eye, if there really is nothing we can do to stop our government and the government of other nations from participating in an unjust war then why bother… let’s join em. Then on the other hand there is the side of me that shouts for slaughter and war and to bleed the earth and all it’s inhabitants quicker than we already are. Like watching a rodeo and while the inner child in me is crying over the death of another calf I am cheering with the rest of the stadium for death and more death and more entertainment watched safely from up here in my nosebleed seats with my popcorn and peanut enema.
Had breakfast at Reno’s. Not in solitude. Devitt was there with his loyal herd of fellows. Felt pushed down – 2 feet small. The younger brother. I never liked my brother’s friends anyway. I just felt so alone.
After breakfast of pancakes and mash I journeyed by foot up Main Street. I looked in the Salvation Army for cowboy boots for me but I found some for you. I couldn’t figure out what size you’d fit. I know you’re a 9 and a half but you never know with leather. you never know at all. I have two pairs of jeans by the same brand and the same size ans the same model and they fit entirely differently. so you never know at all. i called you just to tell you i wanted to buy you boots but will have to wait for your feet to be there but i just got your recording. i wanna do nice things for you. i wanna treat you nice. i wanna buy you things. i wanna dress you up pretty and i’m making a conscious effort every day to be a better person for you. for us.
i kept walking all the way to the bank up on 27th Avenue. It was as sunny a day I can remember in a while. A glorious day. My eyes bled tears from the cold wind and prying light. Cashed the cheque. The pavement was dry enough so that the skaters and bikers were all out with the dog walkers and sunday perusers doing their perusing a day early. To the next bank, and payment of 600 dollars to my Visa bill. If it was sunny all the time I would never need to bus. I could just walk always. Took the side streets to admire the architecture. Saw some bay windows and thought of you. And the way I like to act so smart. I was thinking it’s about time for me to realize that you are already impressed enough. Made a journey to Broadway and Heather, to the London Drugs to fill a prescription for antibiotics. I have a staph infection, if I hadn’t told you. It’s a common bacteria. It’s an infection that can kill. That’s why I waited a week and 4 days to fill my prescription. Death is never quick enough for some.
Talked to my sister and my mom and my dad on the phone. I thought I would never enjoy talking to them again. But things are changing. I’m growing to love them again. I like talking to my mom about things that interest her like cooking and gardening and for some reason I can actually get in to conversations about things i have no interest in but enjoy the act of being unified in conversation with her about things. My dad isn’t going to be around many more years and I am grateful to have these last few years in this frame of mind to remember him and be remembered by. Everyday I notive ways I am like him, much to my disappointment at time how incredibly similar we are. I will always remember the things he has taught me and the ways I aspire to be more like him everyday. Those things I always resented when younger are the things that make him strong and the things I admire. Simplified heroic.
Practiced bass and guitar at home for about 6 hours straight. Learned the bass parts for The Patient and Lateralis by Tool and the bass part for Professor Nutbutter by Primus. Those are some really complicated and strenuous basslines to play and it was really satisfying learning them. Remembering how to play them is a whole nuther thing. But I know how to play them at least. Also learned the acoustic guitar part for Young Pilgrims by The Shins. As well, I programmed about 6 new bass presets in Guitar Rig. Guitar Rig is this piece of software by Native Instuments that emulates a whole shitload of amps, cabs, effects and mic placements. I create presets that sound good and then save them so that when I start recording I can just select one of the sounds I’ve created and get on with the creative process rather than getting held up by not having an inspiring sound.
She’s out at a meathead festival called the Elite Fighting Championship and the more it happens the more I am becoming okay with letting that piece of me go; that uncomfortable attachment to the idea that I am the only one that can find her attractive. She’s the main course. The fight is jsut the side dish. Of course entree’s are smaller these days and sides are a good filler. I could feel lonely. I could feel disapointed. While a mass of other guys are gawking at her, fulfilling their vague juvenile sexual fantasies with superficial images of her body and nulifying the insides, i am searching for freedom from the haunting attachment to the need to protect her from such a situation. Perhaps if eyes threw punches I could feel the need to protect her, to defend her position. But they are not indellable I have no argument when she comes home to me everynight and puts her arms around me and can tell me everything cause she knows I love her. That is more than any other can dream about, and I am so fortunate to have found love.
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