whatever and everything

22 – dodecahedra

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nokin

in

Ran 6km in 26 minutes today. that works out to 4.3 minutes a kilometer… meaning if i ran 10km at that rate I would run it in 43 minutes. That’s fast. And I wasn’t even trying to run my fastest. Last time I remember running a 10k was the Sun Run when I was 17 or so. My time was 1:07.

Jealousy is ripping me apart. It is truly bothersome. I didn’t really ever think of myself as jealous but the past while it has been made painfully obvious to be how devestating this character defect is in my life. I just wrote character defect and that phrase is resonating in my head and I don’t really like the sound of ‘defect’. I think ‘maladjustment’ is a better term, and one that i can live with. So, as I was saying, jealousy is proving to be a pretty devestating maladjustment in my life. Through recent events that have occured in several different relationships, I have determined my self-esteem, security and sex instincts are still very volatile in engagements with females in my life. That is to say, my self-esteem, sense of security and my sexual instincts are fuct. If I feel I am not getting attention, if i feel another guy is getting attention, if i feel i am losing intimacy I feel hurt in the same way and react with the same response time and time again, every single fucking time. I feel hurt… I feel scared… I act out selfishly or angrily at the ones who most often were’nt making any effort to hurt me in such a way. It needs to stop. I need this reaction to stop. It is pissing me off and I know I can change. I will change. I have tried and I know that squelching the reactionary emotions that come up for me – feelings of abandonment, loss, pain and loneliness is not the answer. Supressing those feelings after they have come up doesn’t work and just leads to quiet resentment that grows in to something more vicious and vile than the pain I feel.

So… I need help. I need to know how to get out of this cyclic misery.

Life’s really not that miserable. That is my biggest problem today and that’s really amazing.

Started reading The Satanic Bible by Anton Lavey.
Oogidy Boogidy, Satan’s going to kill your babies.

Comments

One response to “22 – dodecahedra”

  1. Jeff Avatar
    Jeff

    That’s 13.846154km/hour, roughly speaking. Walking is something like 5.632km/h. My belief has always been that people who think walking is “exercise” need to be chased by a pack of vicious dogs for half an hour, have their heart rate measured afterwards, and then asked the question “did that feel even remotely similar to how you feel after going for a walk?”

    If you saw that extra hot picture of me in my blog and read about my adventures with the people who are willing to cuddle me and started to feel a tinge of uneasiness, let me assure you (in a Willie Nelson voice) that “you are always on my mind.”

    Reading that over I realized it might seem like I’m poking fun at you or being insensitive to what you wrote. That’s def’ not my intention. I’m looking forward to being reuinited with you, holmie.

    I’m posting in my other blog as we speak, those fucking leeches back home fucking suck me dry 🙂 If any of my relatives stumble across this (you know, as people do from time to time) I want them to know that I make my blog for myself. I’ve probably read my entire Asia blog 30 times over just because I’m narcissistic.

    Aiight peace or whatever they say in Vancouver, I’m way too plugged in to Europe to remember what’s going on on that continent that people here generally refer to as “America.”

    Ciao.

    p.s. It’s fucking hilarious to see wrinkled ass old ladies with gravely Italian voices bust out “ciao” in the more cas(ual) way to their Italian cronies.

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