L:
i’m happy that you were alright with me needing a night off. i actually was really on the fence with whether i was going to call you and ask you to sleep over or whether i thought it best if we had a night apart. i’ve felt nervous in my interactions with you as of late… not sure why… just totally overthinking everything instead of jsut letting things happen… which i think is indicative of my life in the larger scale lately where i think i have been really clutching on to controlling everything and trying to driect the whole show instead of shutting the fuck up and letting someone else drive.
maybe that’s it… just a thought i had… not sure… i’ll know after i think about it some more…
I live in suite with a shared bathroom. I share a bathroom and a small corridor with a headjob named Lutz. Lutz is a fucking cocksmoker.
he left some bitch note under my door with a fucking bag of hair he pulled out of the drain bitching all about how he is the only one who cleans the bathroom. which is true. so then i went to talk to him to agree on a cleaning schedule, and we got in an altercation. well, more accurately, he got irate and threatening all yelling and flapping his arms around. i was calm and cool and just wanted to agree on a fucking schedule so i could go for my run. he started bitching about everything so i just filled out a bunch of dates and when who was cleaning what and dropped it at his door and went back in my suite. he got really fucking mad… and was yelling.
fuck him
i fucking hate that psychopath…. god, how can i be of fucking service to this fucking sick fucking man.
god please fucking help me to not be fucking resentful against this poor sick fuck.
blah blah blah… in this instance trying to follow a spiritual solution seems like the stupidist thing in the world. everything in me wants to just ruin him.
anyway… so, i REALLLY am going to move, get a new place, a bigger place, out of this shithole.
talked to my mom, went to her place for dinner and talked it out with her… i was really pretty upset byt the whole crazy-fuck-living-next-door-to-me thing. still am.it’s unnerving. makes me anxious. takes up space in my head that i wish it wouldn’t. so i coped… i ran for a long ways. i lost track of time and space. i ran 6km in about 30 minutes.
anyway. probably will be dead on the phone if you call later than midnight. working man bullshit. i have a hard time accepting that if i work fulltime, i have little energy to give to you during the week.
it’s something i can’t yet accept, and so it pisses me off. makes me grumpy pants.
*this is a kiss*
love you. you know that. you better know that.
fuck… it’s comforting knowing that you are willing to stick by through my bullshit nights of being a dick and being tired and me going through my moments of insanity… comforting knowing that you love me through all that… but it’s hard to trust it. hard to accept it. it’ll take time. it’s something i’m learning… to not split the moment i feel uncomfortable… to work through what is going on with me… and you seem to be willing to sit there with me through it and not sketch out… i appreciate it.
nite.
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