so, all those pictures you gave me of you right before you left for mexico? I just stuck them all over my apartment. Looking at you is comforting but at the same time painful, cause i wanna reach out and touch you.
just wanna post this pid of my bod for jeff’s benefit to show him how ripped i’m getting. atleast i think, if my memory serves me that i was not quite as toned a few months ago. i guess i’m just surprised that doing something as simple as running everyday and eating properly most of the time and generally not being harsh to my body actually precipitates change – change that i can see visibly. without further adieu:
I’ve not really been that in to AA meetings the past month or so. My attendance began to dwindle and by this time last week i had not been to a meeting in two weeks. Over the weekend in San Fran, I went to several meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and spoke with many recovering and recovered alcoholics/addicts. I have had a change of perspective this past week regarding meetings. I came to a realization that it is important for me to attend meetings to be of service to those addicts and alcholics that are as fucked up as I once was. I am feeling pretty fucking fortunate to be where I am today. There was a long time where I thought I was just terminally defective and that nothing i did would ever return my life to a semblance of normalcy. today i find myself in a very different spot. I am in a spot where I don’t hate myself, I wake up most days loving life, I work hard in a job i love, i like my employer and do my best to be of service to him, i have a wonderful girl whom I am in love with, i love my family truly and genuinely, financial troubles are a thing of the past because money really doesn’t concern me much anymore. I feel like anything I want to do, i can do, and that is a fucking amazing thing. I remember looking at my good friend Jeff maybe 8 months ago and thinking to myself, “that guy can do whatever the fuck he wants to do – he has confidence.” what i didn’t know at the time was that I saw in him something that I wanted and i have worked towards over the past while. and i think i am getting closer. my journey of becoming a better person will not end until i die, as with everyone. but the difference today is that I am actually interested in pursuing that journey, that i am not actively killing myself today.
anyway, back to the service thing… what changed in me over the weekend was that i came to a realization that I want to be of maximum service to my family, my friends, the people around me, my community and my world. that’s not something i would have said even two months ago. of course, words are one thing and action is what really matters. i also believe strongly that there on the path to the successful consummation of any thought or idea there is necessarily the inclusion of willingness. that is, a thought leads to words, which lead to willingness which lead to action. a thought will remain a thought and cannot become action without the willingness to do so. and that is where i am right now. immediately preceding action, in a state of willingness to be of service. and I am so totally alright with that. It is a fulfilling place to be in and of itself. I’ve spent almost a year fucking obsessed with my own recovery and now i feel compelled to help someone else, someone who might be struggling the way i struggled for two years before i finally found a path of recovery that worked for me.
i have 355 consecutive days without taking a drug or drinking.
Leave a Reply