Some thoughts about this relationship

Things are good. When I think about it, I couldn’t ask for more out of life right now. Quitting smoking was so empowering for me, it really made it clear to me that I can make profound changes in my life and that I can choose to live the life I want.

I really don’t have much to say today.

Last night I told Lorea that I can’t do this “casual dating” thing anymore – that it just really wasn’t working for me. I thought that’s what i wanted. I thought being able to sleep with whoever I want whenever I want was freedom, but it turned out that what makes me feel free is knowing that I am just with one person, that just one person wants to be with me. That I can make the decision to choose just one girl to sleep with and to be romantically intimate with is a comforting thing. I feel like I can relax now knowing that there is some degree of dependability in that, however unpredictable it may be.

Yeah, I’m scared of it. I’m scared of committed relationships. What scares me is the idea of my world closing in around me to only include that one person, so much so that I suffocate. What scares me is that she might sleep with another guy. What scares me is that there might be lies and deceit. What scares me is that I might hurt her.

My fears are valid. Based on my past experiencesin romantic relationships, fears around the issue are to be expected as they are in any situation with the potential to hurt. but i think the hoensty between Lorea and I is such that this can really be a great experience to figure out what a healthy relationship might be like for me. She doesn’t freak out when I let her know my fears. She is relatively stable and keeps her head when I am wavering all over the place. I appreciate this in her. I am able to recognize my fears for what they are and know that I need not fear anything cause there’s nothing I have not yet conquered in my life. How empowering is that? If we’re still alive, we’re on top our game.

Thinking of doing service once a week at a soup kitchen or some similar outlet to give back to my community selflessly.