self-centered, i think

Feel the need to post just a reminder that I am selfish and self-centered to the extreme. So much so that I don’t even see it and am the last to know about it. I think that I am so great and doing so well then I realise that I have been thinking about just myself for the last week straight even when I think I am thinking about others it’s always about me. My sister let me know about this tonight, how I never give a fuck about her or her struggles. And I feel awful that it litteraly came down to her jumping up and down yelling at me to break through to let me know that she is struggling in a big way.

I also had a recognition of a defect of character, being that it is and has harmed people in my life for a long long time. This defect is that I come across as not caring, as being disinterested when really I lack the ability to show my compassion and empathy that I feel. I am a very sensitive person and I feel great emotion for other people’s struggles. I really lack the skills to show this and to make this evident. My operation in my head in response to emotions, be them my own or someone elses is to disect the problem and rationalize solutions and responses. When someone tells me their cat died I feel their sadness but I really struggle and panic for the words to say to express any kind of sympathy with how they might be feeling. All I feel capable of is acknoledging their emotion, “that sucks, you must feel sad” and to then rationalize solutions “do you want another cat?” , “are you lonely? find a solution to your loneliness” maybe you didn’;t need a cat afterall. it’s for the best. it was meant to be. it’s all part of a plan. It drives me nuts cause i feel i can never connect with people emotionally and if i try i feel like a fraud.

I deal with my own emotions in the same way, except i love rationalizing how i feel and finding solutions to the problem. my whole life i have felt the impulse to respond to emotions rationally. if the emotion was good i would analyze the pleasure-giving situation and aim to replicate it and continue it. if the emotion felt uncomfortable i would analyze the pain-giving situation and alter my actions and reactions to cease and evoid the emotion in the future.

control control control.

i don’t want to hurt my sister anymore.

i want her to know that i love her and i want to feel comfortable enough with her to let her know that i love her. to let her know that i care about her even if i don’t understand everything she goes through.

she told me i have boyish reactions.

there was just a gun shot outside my window. i swear it was a gun.