Looking at my posts from the weekend, it occured to me that there are a lot of people that probably think I’m insane. Not in the stupid AA “definition” of insane (repeating the same mistakes twice), but I mean the actual definition of insane: inflicted with a persistent mental disorder or derangement. The thing is about mental disorders as far as I can tell is that there is no way for one who is inflicted with such a disorder to know what a proper mental order is, or what sanity is. So, I am lost.
I have met few people who can understand my condition who do not associate themselves with the disease model of addiction and alcoholism.
I think it’s absolutely absurd that I am an alcoholic. I mean, I am not at the point of doubting it. I still see it as a fact about myself. But when I write it out, or say it outloud to another person who is not an alcoholic, like someone from my past, or a border cop, or someone else’s parents, I feel evil. I feel defective. I feel like the stereotypical drunk redneck with a shotgun and overalls who beats his son and molests his daughter. I’m pretty okay with associating myself as a drug addict. I know that when I put any drug in my body I have a profound reaction to it and I really like the feeling it produces. I like it so much that with ensured resources I have and would pursue staying high.
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