It’s the Saturday night before Halloween. Halloween is on Monday. I just got home from a party/dance for sober peeps at the Cambrian Hall on 17th and Main. After my first Red-Bull-Something and a double espresso I was so amped. I was stoked to see JR, Anna and Leah. We danced it up like we were on E, but we weren’t, so it was better. The thing is with me and these kind of nights is that I innevitably end up in this situation that I am sitting in right now. The party gets old and I feel the need to change my atmosphere. I want to hang out with my friends but they always have other plans. Plans which usually don’t include me. Then comes this rush of self-pity and self-loathing. I immediately fall in to a depression. It’s a similar effect to when I used to be high and party. There was always the Big Come Down. And that’s exactly how I feel now.
When all the drugs are gone, or when they just stop working, when all the seratonin is flushed I’m left in a pathetic puddle of IHateMyselfAndIHateThisMoment. After the laughter then comes the tears, I guess.
I walked in my door and dropped my bag of fireworks by my microwave. Dragged myself to the washroom to take a leak and looked in the mirror and my sad expression. I am wearing a white headband as worn by Richie in The Royal Tannenbaums. I looked at my old sink, the same sink he slit his wrists in to in my favorite scene from any film. The thought went through my head that I could cut myself right there and I would feel better. That I wouldn’t feel alone. I think that’s what always motivated me to do it. I always felt the loneliness.
It tends to be some pretty inopportune timing that when I feel like this Jr and Leah are extra mushy with each other, and tell me how they want to go fuck, details about their sex life, and how much they love each other. What goes through my head is how badly I want someone to be that with, which is an obvious exposition of my motives for being in a relationship with someone. I feel attention hungry and I hate myself for it.
So I guess this post is trying to make myself feel better. To try to do something productive for me, cause other people just aren’t doing it right now. I feel so weak, so unable to be enough for myself. I see really attractive girls and I think I shoudl go talk to them. But I realize the grossness of my motives so it holds me back. Why would they want this. Why would they want what I have. They don’t want it.
Self loathing, go fucking kill yourself. Ironic that I am wearing an orange bracelet that reads “SUICIDE PREVENTION AND AWARENESS 1-800-SUICIDE”.
Ben and Jesse are a great couple. They inspire me. I wish I had a girl like Jesse.
whatever.
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